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Chet (Pizza Face)
Narcissistic, cynical, controlling, vulnerable, obsessed with materialistic things
Has cysts covering his face
Clothing: Cheap brown suit with black dress shoes and a plain yellow tie, Complete with short spiky hair
Mildred (Chet’s best friend)
Puts up with Chet’s nonsense, been his best friend since childhood, helped him through the time his father died)
Also Chet’s business partner
Clothing: modest and nice grey pantsuit complete with red shoes and a business casual, bob haircut.
Agatha (Teaching Spirit that haunts Chet)
Witty, sneaky, and insightful
Clothing: Black long sleeve shirt, Blue jeans, slip on shoes. Pixie haircut.
Marie (Chet’s mother)
Widow, unmotivated, lost all interest in her only child Chet after father died
Clothing: Light blue blouse with pink cooking apron. Complete with white slip on shoes and a “grandma bun” hairstyle.
*( ) = stage directions
In the Palermo pizza factory, Chet is overseeing the production of pizzas. Backdrop of stage looks like garage doors and cardboard boxes, and left side of stage consists of conveyor belts and employees (consists of extras, Agatha is in disguise)
Chet: Let’s get a move on people, Pizzas don’t make themselves!
Worker: Mr. Chet, can we please go home I’ve been here since 7 a.m.?!
Chet: It's only nine at night, do you have a better place to be? Plus how am I… I mean, how are we going to make any money without pizzas going through?
Worker: Well, I do have a home that I want to go home to to make sure my kids are in bed before my mom leaves. She’s been watching my kids all day and I’m guessing she wants to go to bed too.
Chet: That’s not the kind of attitude a money motivated employee should have. You’re lucky I don’t fire you for that.
Worker: Whatever, I quit, I don’t need this anymore. I’ll find a better job with a better boss.
Chet: Good leave. Less people I have to pay.
(Agatha continues to look on in disguise)
(Approaching Chet upset that he causes employees to hate their job and leave)
Mildred: Come on Chet that’s the third one in a month! Why do you do this if you know how long it takes to find new employees.
Chet: (as he and Mildred walk to a chair in the factory (down stage right) Chet sits down on a chair as Mildred stands looking down on him)
These people need to know how to work under the stress of long hours, I’m trying to teach everyone that works for me life lessons that they need in order to survive in this industry.
Mildred: Well it actually looks like you drive employees away who aren’t a complacent towards you as everyone else is. I know I’m your best friend but this is getting ridiculous.
Chet: Well since I can’t move my business in the direction I want it to go, I’m going to-
Mildred: You’re going to do what?
Chet: (angrily) I’m going home!
Set in Chet’s living room of his lavish yet lonely home. Middle of room is a fancy leather couch facing flat screen T.V. on right side of stage. Coffee table next to couch has remotes and facial cream. There is a dark hallway up stage left. Living room is casually lit (picture a normal household).
Chet is flipping through channels on his T.V. when it suddenly short circuits.
Chet: Oh what the?! (reaches for phone and dials number on the back of the remote he picks up from the coffee table.)
Yes? Hi I’d like to replace this television I bought…. Yeah I still have the warranty. What do you mean its expired? I just bought this 2 years ago, you know, I don’t work my butt off every day to buy cheap stuff that breaks all the time, I outta….(phone hangs up) This is some kind of joke, why would my T.V. just break like this?
(Peeking out from the dark hallway)
Agatha: (soft voice) I can tell you why.
Chet: WOAH WHO ARE YOU?!
Agatha: Why, I’m the reason your T.V. doesn’t work.
Chet: What do you mean? What’s your name?
Agatha: I’m Agatha, the spirit of decency, I bring a message, and it doesn’t involve the television being on.
Chet: Well whoever you are, you better leave before I call the cops on you. I’m a very rich man so you better not cross me.
Agatha: Go ahead and call people, I’m just a spirit so they’ll never see me, only you can.
Chet: Okay I believe you, but only because there’s no way any normal human being could get into my house with all of my security systems in place. (sarcastically)So, what did I do to deserve you coming into my life?
Agatha: You’re a terrible boss and a really bad friend to Mildred. Have you ever wondered why those cysts on your faces just keep getting bigger?
Chet: Well, my doctor said its from working around all of the greasy ingredients, why do you think?
Agatha: Well it’s a little something called karma. The more hideously you act towards others, the more hideous you begin to look.
(Chet walks over to his turned off T.V. to check his face like it is a mirror. He then starts to feel around his face with all of the pimples and cysts)
Chet: This is bad, you’re telling me I have huge boils for the rest of my life? This will ruin me if I try to look professional. I’ll just look like a hormonally unstable teenager compared to my business associates.
Agatha: There is a way to reverse them though.
Chet: Really? Tell me how I’ll do whatever it takes. I swear I’m successful in everything I take up just watch me!
Agatha: You just have to start being nice to people and your cysts will go away.
Chet: Just like that? Boy this should be easy. Who do I start with?
Agatha: Your mother.
Chet: Oh no. (slaps his palm to his face)
Chet meets with Mildred at his mother’s (Marie) house to set things right. Maria’s front door leads into her yellow kitchen that has an island counter, a light brown dinner table. Kitchen is brightly lit.
Chet: (outside of front door talking to Mildred) Thank you for coming with m….
Mildred: Woah, did you just say thank you? Anyways, carry on.
Chet: Thanks for coming with me to help me make amends with my mom, she always liked you…. Probably more than she liked me.
Mildred: Maybe you should have said “thank you” to her more often
Chet: (Knocking on door)
Marie: (Opening door quickly and eyes light up) Chet? My gosh I haven’t seen you in years. After all this time I thought you still hated me for embarrassing you in front of your friends when.
Chet: It’s okay Mom, really I forgive yo….
Marie: But that rash you had from your underwear was just too wild to not talk about
Chet: (Looking angry and frustrated) Well how bout we go inside so we can cool down, shall we? (They walk inside) So I see the house is a dump as always. (Mildred slaps him) I mean, I love how clean the house is mom, you did a great job.
Marie: Aww thank you. I see you still have the cysts on your face, remember how I used to put Preparation H on your face to stop them from irritating, I think that was a good Idea.
Chet: (losing his temper) YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS!
(Chet flips the table and runs out of the house while Mildred runs after him.)
Chet comes back into his living room furious that his mom embarrassed him in front of his best friend mildred. He walks into Agatha who is about to lecture him. Living room setting is the same as before.
Chet: Okay you can’t even be mad at me for that I deserve way better than to be embarrassed in front of mildred like that
Agatha: (Walks in from his dark hallway) Chet you need to be more patient! Your mom is such a sweet old woman and she loves you, she just doesn’t understand how embarrassed those stories make you feel.
Chet: Because she doesn’t even try to! (pacing around he stops to feel his face, then looks into his blank T.V. and sees more cysts than before) Oh my God! It's worse now!
Agatha: You should have been more patient. Next time you see her you need to talk to her.
(Mildred walks into the room and Agatha quickly jumps into the dark hallway)
Chet: How did you get in here?
Mildred: Does the spare key you gave me for emergencies ring a bell?
Chet: Oh yeah, what do you want?
Mildred: I just want to let you know that what you did to your mother was monstrous. I can’t believe how mean you’ve gotten. You really need to…. (She takes a concerned look at his face) your face looks worse than before. I thought it was bad, but now its really bad. What happened?
Chet: I’ll explain later. I think I know what I need to do.
Chet goes back to his mother’s house to attempt to get her forgiveness. As he walks up to her door, he notices the mail woman dropping off her mail is the worker who quit her job at Palermo’s. She looks miserable, and from this he has a change of heart.
Chet: Oh hey I haven’t seen you in awhile. (Sounding sorrowful)
Worker: (looking startled and then settling down) Oh yeah, hello Mr. Chet
Chet: You know, I’ve been thinking about the day you quit and I realized how unfair I was. I don’t know how the mail business is treating you, but I’d like to offer you to come back to Palermo’s. Before you answer, I’m prepared to give you a raise and hours to your liking.
Worker: I thought you’d never ask. I hate this job so thank you! (She moves in to hug him and pulls away.)
Chet: I’m really sorry but I never learned your name. May I ask what it is before you start working for me again?
Worker: It’s Agatha. See you on Monday Mr. Chet!
Chet: (with a surprised look on his face) Uh yeah, haha, see you there!
Chet’s face is cleared up as he enters his mom’s house to apologize. Her kitchen was left as it was when he flipped the table over.
Chet: (Marie opens the door) Okay before you kick me out I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for being so mean to you all these years. I love you and I wish I never flipped your table and made such a mess. Can I come in and clean it for you.
Marie: Of course you can. All I wanted from all these years was an apology, and now I finally got it. (she says with a smile) I’ll help you clean and we can make lunch to celebrate you being my son.
Chet: I’d like that. (he also says with a smile)
(Him and his mom begin to clean up, and as he takes the spelled dishes to the sink for washing, he sees his reflection, notices the cysts, and smiles with hope. Then, curtain drops)