A Promise Kept (1st chapter) | TeenInk

A Promise Kept (1st chapter)

March 19, 2009
By white_tiger2200 BRONZE, Edmonton, Other
white_tiger2200 BRONZE, Edmonton, Other
1 article 0 photos 5 comments

Chapter One

Shimi was a sensible girl; she did well in school and she understood almost everything that was shown to her. But there was one thing she couldn’t fully understand: true love.

Yes, she did sort of love them, but they had never really been her real family. And sure, they were her family now, but she loved them like good friends, because that’s really what they were to her. She didn’t have to love them like a family; there wasn’t really a family setup anyway. And besides, she could take care of herself, although it helped that they all looked out for each other. But that didn’t really matter.

Not, at least, until she met him. He was different. She could tell right away that he wasn’t just some tall blonde haired guy who was in a few of her classes. No, he was a tall, blonde haired guy who radiated kindness, especially in his sparkling green eyes and his perfect smile. Yes, she could tell that he was definitely going to be different to what she was used to people being.

But Shimi was also different. And she couldn’t let him know that. No one else knew and they didn’t need to know anyway. The only thing that she knew would be safe to tell him was about her eyes, and how they changed color. They were naturally blazing forest green, but she couldn’t help that they changed to lavender when she was really scared or excited or how they changed royal blue when she was angry. And they only changed when she blinked, which most people, especially him, found interesting.

They were the only people who knew just how different she was, and in her opinion, should be the only ones because they were different too; they understood what came with it. And after all, they all lived together with her.

But even as her friendship with him grew, she found that he didn’t seem to notice. And even if he did, he didn’t seem to care.

So they continued their friendship. Shimi never thought that anyone else but them would like her as a friend so much. But there were times when she’d have her doubts and thought that it was just too good to actually be true. ‘He wouldn’t like me if he knew who I really was…’ she would think to herself when she took time to reflect on it. ‘Or would he…?’ But the voice in the back of her head always came to the same stupid conclusion: ‘No, he wouldn’t… He wouldn’t like me. He’d probably hate me and never speak to me again! This friendship is too good to be true!’

She hated that very thought, that she had finally found someone who liked her who wasn’t one of them, but yet, it wasn’t a truly honest friendship, like she had always wanted. And that hurt.

Then she started to spend more time with him. And she realized that she was starting to grow closer to him, like she couldn’t bear to spend long periods of time without him. This had never happened with any of them. She never found herself feeling excited and calm all at the same time when she was with them. She never smiled and giggled as much either.

Shimi didn’t actually realize that it wasn’t just a friendship to her anymore until Draco told her so. “You’re spending too much time with him you know…” he told her one evening when she’d come home a bit later than expected, and it wasn’t the first time either.

“What do you mean?” she asked, confused.

“I think you know exactly what I mean Shimi,” he replied, “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” he asked.

“I’m WHAT?!” she looked at Draco, with surprise in her eyes. “LOVE? You know perfectly well that we can’t love Draco. Besides, I don’t know what love is…” She looked away from his gaze.

“But you know you are Shimi, I see it in your eyes!” Draco tried his best to sound calm because he didn’t really want to accuse her. He just wanted to know the truth about his friend. “I don’t mean it like… Well, what I mean is that you’re in love with the idea of him. You’re taken with the prospect of being friends with someone not like us. You’re seeing that it’s not all that bad and… it’s caused you to see him in a completely different way. It’s an infatuation, that’s all it is…”

The room was silent, and Draco could tell that his words were sinking in and that Shimi was realizing that just maybe there was something more to her “too good to be true” friendship than she had thought.

“You know that you have to end it, right?” Draco asked as she looked back at him. “After all, if Sin found out, she would almost literally kill you both…”

Shakirami realized that she really hated the truth sometimes. “But… how? How do I tell him we can’t be friends anymore without telling him why?”

Draco hesitated. He didn’t want to say it, but it was the only good solution he could give her that would make everything fine again. “Simple… yes, it’s simple. Bite him,” Draco mumbled as though he feared his friend would do just that to him.

“What?” She looked at him, examining to see if he was joking. But he wasn’t. “I can’t do that Draco. You know how much I hate that. I would never… I can’t…” But she knew Draco was right. It was the only way.

The author's comments:
This is the first chapter of a book I've written called "A Promise Kept" that I'd like to publish in its entirety hopefully soon! I hope you enjoy and any questions/comments that you have I'm totally open to hearing!

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This article has 17 comments.

on May. 12 2014 at 6:15 pm
white_tiger2200 BRONZE, Edmonton, Other
1 article 0 photos 5 comments
I've finally self-published this book so you can check it out here now: blurb.ca/b/3761261-a-promise-kept   Thank you to all who have read and supported my writing! You're all lovely people!! <3

on May. 26 2011 at 3:43 pm
kenzie011 BRONZE, Vancouver, Washington
3 articles 0 photos 8 comments
It was good, but the beginning sounds more like a summary. Other than that, nice job. :)

on Feb. 5 2011 at 3:57 am
Raven_Mi BRONZE,
1 article 0 photos 45 comments

Favorite Quote:
K.I.S.S.- Keep. It. Simple. Stupid

i totally loved it

it keeps u in suspense, u dont find out wat she is until the very end

i cant w8 2 read more  

on May. 13 2010 at 3:40 pm
white_tiger2200 BRONZE, Edmonton, Other
1 article 0 photos 5 comments
Thank you so much! I'm really hoping to publish the entire manuscript soon but perhaps I shall submit the second chapter to Teen Ink first! Thank you for your interest and I'll check out your stuff as well! ;)

on May. 13 2010 at 12:09 pm
meganleigh122 GOLD, Greeneville, Tennessee
13 articles 0 photos 81 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain."

this is really good!! and yes, the vampire thing is getting a little worn out because of twilight, but your version gives a whole new spin in my opinion. keep writing!! and i want to read the rest!!! please check out some of my stuff if you have a chance :)

on Nov. 23 2009 at 8:41 am
Twilight_chic BRONZE, Jacksonville, Florida
3 articles 0 photos 8 comments
yay....i cant wait!!!

on Nov. 17 2009 at 8:19 pm
white_tiger2200 BRONZE, Edmonton, Other
1 article 0 photos 5 comments
Why thank you so much for your comment! I'll try to post the second chapter as soon as I get a chance... :)

on Nov. 17 2009 at 8:18 pm
white_tiger2200 BRONZE, Edmonton, Other
1 article 0 photos 5 comments
I think I heard the name Shimi in Star Wars (weird yes...) Draco I heard long ago and was also later a nickname of one of my friends... Gorgo I made up, Sin was a nickname of someone I knew (I think; it's been so long since I started writing this hehe) Thanks for your comment!

evie428 BRONZE said...
on Nov. 17 2009 at 6:20 pm
evie428 BRONZE, Ontario, Other
4 articles 1 photo 88 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writing a novel is not merely going on a shopping expedition across the border to an unreal land: it is hours and years spent in the factories, the streets, the cathedrals of the imagination."

Wow really good! Where did you come up with your names? did you make them up! respond if u have a chance! thanx!

on Nov. 17 2009 at 3:09 pm
Twilight_chic BRONZE, Jacksonville, Florida
3 articles 0 photos 8 comments
You have to post the next chapter it's just to good not to!!! plz plz!!!

on Nov. 17 2009 at 2:39 pm
dragonfan SILVER, Arcidia, Indiana
9 articles 1 photo 213 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Death truly makes an artist"

wow this is so cool i cant wait to read more.

on Jul. 11 2009 at 9:12 am
white_tiger2200 BRONZE, Edmonton, Other
1 article 0 photos 5 comments
Thanks everyone for your comments so far! Just a heads up to everyone: I wrote this story long before I'd read Twilight or before it was even popular for that matter so please be kind about that "vampire" detail! And keep in mind that this is the first chapter from a unique point of view; the rest of the book gets more in depth and has a lot more dialogue! :D I really appreciate all the comments so keep 'em coming!

Merry(: said...
on Apr. 8 2009 at 10:06 pm
I thought you did wonderful... but in the end when you revealed that they were vampires (which I'm assuming) it all went down. They should be like fairies or something. I mean I'm getting tired of vampires. haha.

Your story is very great though.

Keep writinPr

on Apr. 8 2009 at 9:58 pm
Inkspired PLATINUM, Whitby, Other
26 articles 0 photos 493 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If one will scoff at the study of language, how, save in terms of language, will one scoff?" - Mario Pei
"I write for the same reason I breathe - because if I didn't, I would die." Isaac Asimov

Let me guess.... vampire? I like the way you hint but don't actually tell. It keeps the suspense going. Maybe closer to Shimi's point of view would work better, saying what she thinks. Otherwise, this is going to be a really great book! It kept me on the edge of my seat!!

on Apr. 8 2009 at 8:30 pm
Stephenmcreynolds BRONZE, Ottawa, Other
1 article 0 photos 16 comments
That was good.

Could you check this out to give me feedback?


on Apr. 8 2009 at 4:46 pm
Denae Worcester BRONZE, Castle Rock, Colorado
1 article 0 photos 31 comments
The first time you mention her full name (Shakirami, for that's what I assume that is) you need to say that's the same person as Shimi.

Also, you have too much telling at the beginning. No showing. Who is this guy she's seen? What are all the conflicts pulling her different ways, against and for the guy? Why does she think she likes him?

Good job keeping back what she and Draco are, except something magical with changing eye-color. She doesn't actually sound very careful, like she probalby should be.

Pooky said...
on Apr. 8 2009 at 1:56 am
Awesome! Absolutely love it! Truly unique!