Child's Play #4 | Teen Ink

Child's Play #4

May 26, 2010
By AoifeTracey SILVER, Dublin, Other
AoifeTracey SILVER, Dublin, Other
6 articles 0 photos 40 comments

Favorite Quote:
'Dont bend facts to suit theories, rather theories to suit facts.' Unknown

I slumped on the kitchen sofa and stared out the window. The dark clouds had cleared up and it was fairly dry. I was bored and in desperate need of a distraction. All this thinking about Ryan surely was not good for my health. I grabbed my raincoat and told my mom where I was going, not that she listened. I shut the door behind me, and began for the forest. It was more, alive this time round. The birds in the trees were singing, and the rabbits on the ground were skipping. This automatically put me in a better mood. I smiled, and continued walking, completely ignorant to Ryans warning. Surely this animated forest couldnt so dangerous. After a while, I sat on the ground and leaned against a tree stump, relaxed. I hadn't realised I had started to doze off, when a loud bang boomed through the wood. In an instant, the whole scene had changed. The birds flew up to thier nests and hid, and the rabbits that were skipping for joy one minute, were now sprinting through the forest like thier lives were in danger. I was suddenly on full alert. Another bang shook the forest.
I was angry at the noise that ruined my perfect mood, and decided to follow it. I doubt anyone outside the forest heard, so it looks like I was going in alone. As I walked on, the boom had gotten louder, and so I knew I was close. I stopped. In front of me was a tree trunk, on the ground, broken in half. As I got closer, I realised that more and more broken tree trunks lay dead on the ground. I had almost decided to turn around and sprint home, because my cockiness had worn off and the voice in my head was telling me to run home, then I noticed something on the froest ground. I took one step at a time toward it. I managed to acknowledge that what ever was on the ground was too big to be an animal, so it must have been a person. I had never been put in this situation before. I didn't know weither to help whoever was on the ground, or just be smart, listen to my head and go home.
I decided that I would go and see if they were ok, that was it, and then go home. I walked slowly over to the person and looked closer to see if he was moving.
Suddenly, his arm moved, and I jumped back. He got up with his back turned to me, and shook off the leaves and small pieces of bark. I figured that he had something to do with the many broken tree trunks. I was afraid to move, so I stood there for a moment. From the back, I could tell he was tall, and of average muscular build. Then he turned around and I gasped. His clothes were severly torn, scars covered any exposed skin, and his complexion was extremley white, like a corpse. His eyes shocked me most. The iris in his eyes were crimson red, with black around the edges. He stared at me for a moment, sort of like the way Eric had stared at me the first time we met.

His eyes widend, like Eric's. Then I heard the footsteps of someone behind me, and turned slowly to see who it was. That's when my nightmare began.
Up until now, I was wide awake and fully consious. I knew that the man I had seen was no dream, that the boom in the forest was no dream, but now, I was questioning my level of consiousness. Standing in the middle of the wood, with his dirty hands by his side, was Ryan. The breath was knocked out of me, and I was completely speechless.
Maybe Ryan was as suprised as I was, but it didn't show. His face was blank, his expression was emotionless, and his eyes widend a little when he seen me.
I wanted to ask so many questions. What was he doing here? Did he know the red eyed man? Why was he dirty? What was the boom? A million thoughts were running through my head, but I was unable to get a single word out. I was frozen in place. I turned back around to see the red eyed man, not knowing if he was hurt. The last thing I remember was the man leaping toward me bearing his sharp teeth, and Ryan jumping in between us just a split second before I became mince meat. After that, I blacked out. I couldn't hear, or feel, or see anything. I must have fainted, or maybe Ryan was to late.

When I came around, the first thing I felt was warm bedsheets and a hot water bottle. It felt so good against my cold skin. Then I opened my eyes a little to see where I had ended up. It was a familiar room, with familiar people pacing the floor. I was able to see Tesse, sitting on a wooden rocking chair, and my mom,up and anxiously bitting her nails, something she never did. Tesse noticed me opening my eyes, and alerted my mother. She quickly walked over to the bed, and I sat up. There was an ache in my back the minute I did, and I groaned. There was also a pain in my arm, and when I looked down, there was a white cotton bandage from my wrist to my elbow.
''Hey, honey'', my mom whispered.
''Hi, mom'', I said. I hadn't realised how much my throat hurt or how hoarse I sounded until I spoke.

She sat on the edge of the bed and fixed the sheets.
"What happened?", I struggled to say. My mom looked behind her, and tesse stod up.
"Ryan brought you in", she said, "you fell in the woods and hit your head".
She said it like it was a fact. End of story. Even though thats what could have happened, the way she said it didn't convince me enough. I just wanted to sleep.
"Hey, mom, could I get some toast please?", I croaked.
She jumped up immediatly. "Sure", she said. Tesse got up too. "I'll make some tea", Tesse said as she walked out of the room.
I sighed, and collapsed into my pillow. I didn't expect to have the time of my life on this trip, but injuring myself was a bit much. This proved how accident prone I actually was, but I just couldn't shake the image of the man with the red eyes out of my mind. Maybe he had contacts or something, I thought, but when I seen him, he was lying on the ground, and looked hurt. Another thing entered my mind, why the hell was Ryan there. A shiver ran down my spine, and I was glad when I heard a faint knock on my door. A distraction.
"Come in", I groaned, snaping out of my pensive mood.
I was aching all over but managed to sit up against my pillow. I was glad I didnt have a mirror, because if I had seen the way I felt, it would have probably put me in a state of shock. I put my hair behind my ears, and turned my head toward the door. So much for a distraction. Ryan was standing in the doorway. The obvious disappointment on my face made him reluctant to enter.
I let out a breath, and faced the window, wanting him to go, but having a million questions unanswered. He shut the door softly, and from the corner of my eye, I seen him sit on the wooden chair opposite my bed. I sighed, and turned around to face him. His eyes were hard, and he looked upset over something. Before I could get a word out, he began to speak.
"I'm sorry, you shouldn't have been out there today, I'm sorry", he repeated. The sudden apology surprised me a little.
"Why are you sorry?", I said.
He gestured at my hurting body with his head. I couldn't unerstand how this was his fault, just because he was there doesn't make him responsible for my clumsiness, and I said "How is you're fault? I tripped".
I looked at his face and a corner of his mouth curled up. I was a little ofended when he chuckled.
"Is that what they told you?", he said.
It was no surprise that what Tesse told me wasn't true, she was not the most convincing liar.
"What really happened?", I said.
The aching in my back was not as bad since I had taken the painkillers, so I crawled to the end of my bed, and faced Ryan.
He was surprised at my sudden movement.
"You didn't fall", he started, " you were attacked''.

His voice was hard and cold, which starled me. I suddenly realised that I was right. Ryan didn't get to me in time, and the red eyed man did launch at me, but why was I sitting here, with just a few scrapes. I couldn't make sense of my miraculous outcome.
"What happend?", I asked again, this time, wanting details.
I looked in his eyes, and looked again. The last time I had noticed the colour of Ryan's eyes, the iris was emeraled, but now, they had changed to a deep, chesnut brown. Contacts must be big around here, I thought. His voice broke the silence.
" Are you okay to come outside?", he asked.
He was analysing my minor injuries.
"Sure", I said.
I got up slowly of the bed, and sudenly realised that I was in my PJ's. "I'll wait outside", he suggested, and shut the door behind him.
I threw on an old pair of jeans and a sweater, and brushed through my tangled hair swiftly, and gave one look at my little mirror to make sure I was half decent. I went down the stairs slowly, and grabbed my jacket. Ryan was leaning against a tree on the forest border. When he seen me, he smiled and made way into the wood. I followed behind like a little puppy. It was a while before he stopped somewhere in the heart of the forest. He turned to look at me. I walked toward him, and we were gazing into eachother's eyes, but it wasn't like some soopy romantic movie, it was like we were trying to figure eachother out. The inensity of the moment was to much and I had to look away.
Then something unexpected happened. It took me a minute to realise, anything. My eyes were closed, and I felt something cold on my lips. Then I had discovered what was happening. Ryan was kissing me. I wanted to push him away, but something in my head convinced me otherwise. I had never kissed a boy before, as I was not that 'smooth' with the opposite sex when it came to relationships. I was shy, and liked to keep to myself in school, obviously not as attractive as miniskirts that leave nothing to the imagination, or faces masked in make-up. Kissing Ryan was, amazing.
The ferocity of his cold lips against mine was intense. When he pulled away, I was dumbfounded, left wanting more. He, himself, looked surprised, although he probably had experience. When you are as beautiful as he is, you would probably have alot of expertiese in the relationship section, I assume.
I was soon back in reality, which meant I still had unanswered questions. I quickly gathered myself up again, and said "Are you going to tell me what happend?". He smiled, a kind of dark smile.
"You're quite stubborn", he laughed.

I felt slightly offended, but just replied "Well?".

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This article has 8 comments.

on Aug. 20 2010 at 10:22 am
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

Well I hope you put them up! You are an author. You were able to take an idea and express it through words that you came up with on your own. What I've given you is just a guide, but I'm glad you're taking it into account! I'd love to see the changes and progress in your writing, as you have grown since the beginning of your series, so please post another part!

on Aug. 20 2010 at 6:17 am
AoifeTracey SILVER, Dublin, Other
6 articles 0 photos 40 comments

Favorite Quote:
'Dont bend facts to suit theories, rather theories to suit facts.' Unknown

Thank you so much for such detailed critique, I really appreciated replying to the post I left you. It has really helped me progress with my creative writting, and I have alterated my story to the way you suggested, hope you don't mind ! When you called me an author, I got goosebumps. I am just a 15 year old hopeful, but thanks ! I really hope you read my next installments, if I do decide to put them up. Thank you so much again. Aoifex

on Aug. 19 2010 at 11:31 pm
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

I've read the previous part of the series, but did not leave comments in case suggested alterations had already been made, but in general:


Your spelling has improved ten fold! You've separated the paragraphs more, which makes it sooo much easier to read, and your diolague has been organized poperly! Good for you! It's great to see an author learning and progressing throughout a series.

When parents are being addressed by their children, then 'mom' and 'dad' should be capitalized because that's what they're being called.


Now, the serious critiques begin...

"I grabbed my raincoat, told my mom where I was going (not that she had listened), and set off toward the forest"

You don't need to describe every single step she took to leaving the house and taking a walk. The reader can put the pieces of the puzzle together.

New paragraph for this!!   "It was more...alive this time round..."

Don't get too wordy, the real goal of a writer is to write something elegant and intriguing with as little words as possible.

"Surely this annimated (not a great word choice here. Perhaps 'happy' or serene' could work better) forest couldn't be dangerous...sat on the ground and relaxed against a tree stump...I had started to doze off without realizing when a loud bang (booms boom, bangs bang. the word 'rang' is best suited for bang) rang through the woods.

New paragraph at "In an instant" Get rid of the word had in that sentence, you don't need it.

I really like the way you're describing the way things are changing and how the mood changes.

"skipping for joy one minute now sprinted through the forest, as if in danger. Another bang rattled the forrest and my perfect mood was ruined."

"As I walked on, the boom-

Is it a bang or is it a boom? Bangs are loud and sharp like cracks and gunshots. Booms are powerful and continue on until they dwindle into nothing, like the crumbling of a wall or thunder. Petty difference, but difference none the less.

"was getting louder (tense confusion I think) and I knew I was close.  I was forced to stop, a fallen tree trunk, broken in half, blocked my path. As I came closer to it, I realized that more and more broken tree trunks lay dead on the ground" That last sentence set the tone very nicely!

"I took one step at a time toward it, acknowledging that what ever was on the ground was too big to be an animal, perhaps a person."

I like how you're building suspence here. I also like your descriptions in the following sentences, although, I think that you should break them up into paragraphs for ease of reading and flow.

"toast please?" I croaked. No comma needed there.

"I sighed and collapsed onto my pillow."


"Couldn't shake the image of the mad with red eyes out of my mind."

Thoughts, because italics don't go through on this site, should be inside of quotes for ease of reading.


"A shiver ran down my spine." Very nice, but the rest of the sentence doesn't make sense. If she's glad, why did she shiver? If she shivered because there was a knock at the door, then that would make more sense. Otherwise, you've just crammed two well written sentences into one and it doesn't belong.

What is soopy? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's a word. I like you diction and description in that paragraph.

"You're quite stubborn," he laughed.

Commas, in sentences such as that, go inside of the quotes with a single space between the quotation marks and the next word and a period after the last word of that sentence.

Well, this was just a bunch of grammar corrections, but it's just grammar.  The content of your story was interesting and suspenceful. After all, what's the point of having good structure of the content is bad? None! Your content was wonderful and I'm very happy you asked me to critique this! Keep writing this, it's enchanting and thrilling! Good luck!

katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jun. 23 2010 at 7:38 am
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

Your welcome; sorry for being a little harsh, I just wanted to give you my honest opinion.  As for the "I saw vs. I seen" this is how you'd use each:

"But when I saw him, he was lying on the ground......."  You had "I seen" instead of the correct, I saw.

You used "I seen" correctly here: "because if I had seen the way I felt....."

      Just say it in your head.  If it sounds off, then it might be wrong. I mean, I'm not an expert, and don't pretend to be.  I have grammatical issues, too.  My problem is "comma/semi-colon issues."  I just wanted to try and help.  I have to say a lot of the issues with your story were grammatical.  The plot sounds interesting and I want to read more :)

on Jun. 22 2010 at 1:53 am
AoifeTracey SILVER, Dublin, Other
6 articles 0 photos 40 comments

Favorite Quote:
'Dont bend facts to suit theories, rather theories to suit facts.' Unknown

Can I just say thank for following up the story and taking the time to read it. I am very grateful for such detailed feedback. To answer some of you're questions, no, I have no spell check on my wordpad. I am still unclear if I should use saw or seen, but I will find out. I am looking over the scene where she is in the bed and you are right, it does sound unrealistic, I will try to make it clearer. Ryan has a tendancy to be very good at persuasion, and Eva's mom is easily convinced that it was just a knock on the head, nothing serious. I will make a 5th instillation, and I will be sure to check for mistakes in spelling, as I am a capital offender! Hha Thanks again for reading it, I will be sure to check out some of you're work. Aoifex 

katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jun. 21 2010 at 5:10 pm
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

I'm really interested in this story!  I have no idea what could possibly happen next, so that makes this very unique and original.  But I just can't get past the grammatical errors.  Every time you should've said "I saw" you said, "I seen"  That is something you absolutely cannot get away with.  I cringe just reading "I seen."  It takes me back to 4th grade when my teachers would constantly lecture us if we were to say something like "I seen."  You also didn't add any apostrophies to some words that needed them.  There were a couple of misspelled words.  Do you have spell check on your computer?  I know some people only have word pad and not microsoft word and word pad might not have spell check.  So if you're not sure how to spell a word you might want to look it up on the Internet because too many grammatical errors are very unnattractive.  Some things also didn't seem realistic.  If she fell and hit her head hard enough to knock her out, why wouldn't anyone take her to the emergency room?  That also distracted me a bit.  However, I do have to say, I really want to read more.  You can't just end it right there, leaving us all waiting!  I want to see what happens next! :)

on Jun. 10 2010 at 1:16 pm
AoifeTracey SILVER, Dublin, Other
6 articles 0 photos 40 comments

Favorite Quote:
'Dont bend facts to suit theories, rather theories to suit facts.' Unknown

I don't know if I will put up more. Please elbourate on the same comments, not being rude, just want to know so I can fix it. Thanks, Aoifex

EllieK. BRONZE said...
on Jun. 9 2010 at 4:28 pm
EllieK. BRONZE, Wilmette, Illinois
4 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Not all who wander are lost"
JRR Tolkien

"Sometimes life sucks, so suck it up"

""We succeeded in taking that picture (from deep space), and if you look a it, you see a dot. Thats here. That's home. Thats us. On it, everyone you ever heard of