Once upon a time, I denied all knowledge of you. I began by denying even your existence, your presence in my world. At first it was extraordinarily simple; I hadn't learnt your name, I couldn't recall your face. Undoubtedly, by discarding you, I dismissed all of the eventual, endless complications. Often, when I stepped outside, you were there. You live no more than two meters away from me; our paths are constantly crossing.  Slowly, day by day, my brick wall became weaker, more permeable to your charms. 

Once upon a time, I denied your beauty. Front covers don't usually affect me; I'm more  interested in the words inside. I did everything that I had to; I avoided glancing at you as much as possible and, if I looked by accident, it was never for more than two seconds. After being within a closer proximity to you, my denial did not last. Your cheeks were often flushed, adorably red, as if in permanent embarrassment. Your smile was bright, wide and genuine (and, now, forever emblazoned within my mind). Despite these things, the most beautiful components are your eyes; so light, so dreamlike, the windows to another dimension. The spontaneous mesh of so many shades of green, flash in your eyes. 

Once upon a time,  I denied your kindness. I know that that is the main things which causes me to fall. On our way home, one sunny day, you spoke kinds words to me, you helped me, you advised me. Ignoring my heart, threatening to jump out of my chest, ignoring my brain, screaming at me to turn around and run, I absorbed, I took in and listened carefully to every single word that you said. I heard your voice, deep and mysterious, persuading me to be more honest to myself. 

Once upon a time, I denied your intelligence. You get those guys who just lack common knowledge, and those who are so intelligent that they are full of themselves. You are reasonably intelligent - and absolutely modest. Of course, there are problems - no one is perfect. But your flaws (and your English grade) only, somehow, make you cuter. Maybe one day soon I'll find your hamartia, maybe one day soon I won't. 

Once upon a time, I denied my feelings for you. It didn't exactly work out. Eventually, there did come a time when my denial stopped.

Now, I constantly stand and glance out of my window. I wait for you to arrive back to your house. I change my route so that it conflicts with yours. I go out into the garden at times that I'll know you'll be out there. It's wrong, I know, but I'm way too far gone to even want to stop it. When I know that you are not home, I wonder where you are and who you are with. It causes stress. It causes tears. This is clearly what obsession is like. 

I daydream about you. I imagine you as mine. I daydream about you before going to sleep, I daydream around you when out with my friends,  I daydream about you wherever I am. I research help but I know it won't help me. Mostly, because I don't really (entirely) want it to. Everyone tells me to keep my distance but, again, I want to see you. 

I'm constantly looking for you even though I know that you are bad for me. I orbit around you. You affect every decision I make; but I know that needs to stop. I want nothing more than to forget about you. I want nothing more than for this to be one bad dream. I want to go back to my ignorant denial - it was so much easier than this.