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True... From My Journal
September 12, 2014
I'm talking to him again. I don't know why I do this to myself. I'm that girl who spends two years waiting on a guy who doesn't like her. I try to get over him. But five minutes of conversation and I'm in love all over again.
I hate him.
I hate his dark wash jeans and his perfect smile.
And the fact that he doesn't like me back. Why doesn't he like me?
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God, I pray that I can just get over him. It's been four years. Please. If it's not going to work out, please take this crush away from me.
I'm miserable.
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I haven't seen him since I was thirteen. I'm seventeen. He takes six months to reply to emails. It's obvious he doesn't like me. But then, why does he email me at all?
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I finally did it. I don't care anymore. I asked him if he liked me. He said, "I like you but I don't want anything to change between us."
I thought that if he admitted to liking me, he'd at least talk to me more often. I wish that, at least, would change.
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He still takes forever to email me. He's never remembered my birthday. I pretend to forget his so I don't look so ... obvious.
He always says goodbye first.
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HE SENT ME A PRESENT IN THE MAIL! Two pairs of glasses, square sunglasses and cute nerd glasses. I'm wearing the nerd glasses now. I can't help it I'm all smiles.
I wish the box had a note. I checked twice.
Three times. .
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It's October and my birthday's in March. All he said about the gift is that it could be a late birthday present or an early Christmas present. I don't understand.
I'm going to bake him some cookies (with a note) in return.
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How long does it take someone to get something? I can't ask him. It's supposed to be a surprise.
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He said that the box had been on his kitchen table a few days and his mom never told him about it!! But he said the cookies were good. The ones that weren't dust. .
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No more updates on the cookies.
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No more updates from him. . . I need to move on.
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He doesn't like me. Listen to yourself. He DOESN'T like you. Yeah it hurts. But move on already.
Stop telling guys you're in a relationship just because you're waiting for him. It's. A. Lie.
--------
I met a really nice guy named Kyle. I think we're going to date. I haven't emailed him about it yet. It'd be strange.
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Kyle and I aren't working out. Our personalities are colliding. I see it ending soon, which does make me sad.
He doesn't know anything about this.
--------
I. . . He. . .
He emailed me. Usually it's a great day when he does but. .
There's another girl. . .
It's been five years. I've gotten used to the idea that this is possible. But I always thought that maybe, maybe he liked me. He never talked about another girl. I thought that meant there was hope that he liked me.
Now I know.
He doesn't like me.
I feel like Scarlet O'Hara at the end of Gone With The Wind. . I was in love with. . what?
He doesn't like me. He likes someone else. .
-------
I told him about Kyle.
-------
We hardly talk anymore.
--------
I'm nineteen now. Suddenly he texted me. I was shocked. All these years we never texted. I thought he was trying to keep me away.
I kind of like this texting thing.
Feels like an actual friendship.
--------
I can't believe him!! He had the nerve to say that the reason we were never closer friends was because "I" didn't email him back!!
Hello. I was the one in love with you all those years. Don't you dare try to remind ME what happened between us.
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It slipped. I'm so embarrassed. My face is hot and my eyes are tearing from the burning at my cheeks. I told him I was in love with him that long. I meant for it to be a joke.
I didn't mean for him to say it back.
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I don't get it. You were there! He said that he liked me but didn't want things to change! He CAN'T blame this on me. All these years of heartache? He can't dare blame it on me.
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I called him a coward. I couldn't help it. I was pissed off. He should've told me how he felt.
--------
He said his parents don't believe in dating. They believe in courting and only when you're ready for marriage. Thirteen and fifteen aren't ready for marriage.
I guess that makes sense.
I'm still mad.
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He lives in Canada now. He said postage would take too long, so he picture messaged me the letter he wrote.
He said he was sorry for the hurt he caused me.
He said he didn't lead me on out of love, not the lack of it.
--------
All those years of hurt. . .
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I'm so confused. I don't know how to take this. I thought I was over him. He said how he still has a crush on me and wants to start a relationship if I. . .
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You don't understand. I spent all that time trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Why I wasn't good enough. I tried everything to get him to like me.
I got shot down so many times. You don't know how that feels.
--------
He's still waiting for a reply.
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He's grown a short beard since fifteen. Funny enough he still dresses the same. His smile seems bigger and more vibrant now.
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I'm so scared.
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He hurt me so badly. (I don't know what else to write.)
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It's strange finding this journal again, after all these years. I'm so much older. . . Okay, I'm thirty. (Who's going to read this anyways, right? I'll be honest about my age.)
If you're wondering what I did, I declined him.
And now we have two beautiful children, ha ha.
It's funny how things turn around like that, isn't it? Michael's been so good to me. I truly believe all the waiting for each other is what has made us the committed couple we are today.
I chose to decline him. I didn't want us to start a relationship out of pity or hurt. Instead we started a friendship anew. One where we spoke to each other more than two times a year.
Of course, the love never left either of our hearts. It only grew as we became more real and open with each other.
Two years later, he asked my father's permission.
He still wears those dark wash jeans.
And I wear a perfect ring on my left finger. The kind I always imagined him giving to me, ever since I was thirteen.
© Rebecca B., Marietta, GA
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What inspired me was real life. . . I have quite some experience with long distant relationships (or crushes) as you can see. . . And the feelings that go along with them.
I hope you guys will be encouraged if you went through what I went through. Life is a rollar coaster. Toss in love, and you go upside down as well.