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The Day I Let Go
I woke up unwillingly, and although it took me several tries, I got out of bed completely and into the shower. The rest of the morning went by in a blur, with thoughts that included of things like "Okay now time to brush my teeth", "Have to get dressed in a few minutes" and "I hope he's here today." By the time it was 6:50 I was brushing my teeth and walking out the door, so I was a bit early this morning. But I wasn't really aware of it since all I could think of was stepping on the bus and seeing his face and smiling at him. After some worrying in the mirror of my mothers car, I walked to the end of the driveway, not feeling quite as nervous as I thought I would. I was standing there for a while when I saw the bus turn the corner down the road. I said to myself "We were such good friends, no wonder why I don't feel so nervous." And sure enough, as the bus inched closer, and I peered in through the windshield, I saw a head that looked a lot like his and I thought "Okay maybe just a little nervous." Either way I hopped up those three familiar steps, and when I reached the top I lifted my head searching the back of the bus anxiously for his face. Yet, to my defeat, I saw no such face. Only my other friends whom I see everyday. I instantly felt my heart drop. How dare he skip out on me? I couldn't wait to talk to Heather about this. Well I had a little way to her house so I started thinking.
He left back in December, more than three months ago, and that was because he didn't know how to stay out of trouble. Well in the midst of my thinking I looked to the front of the bus and saw that his little brother was on. I planned to ask him why his older brother wasn't on today, like I had been highly anticipating, but I was going to do so later, when it wasn't so quiet. I found out what was going on with him from his little brother, that's how I knew he was supposed to be back today. He actually got back the 26th but I can only see him at school, even though he lives around the block from me.
We arrived at Heather's house, and as she jumped those stairs and plopped into her seat across the aisle from me, I looked solemnly upon her face, as she shared the same fascination as me with our old friend. Immediately she pointed out her new jeans, they were skinnies which she wasn't usually allowed to have. Anyway, I still stared at her waiting for her to ask me what's up. Well she didn't, so I dryly stated,
"Guess who's not on today."
Heather replied "Kayprece?" (One of my other friends on the bus, she wasn't on this morning and I was thankful, I was not in the mood to hear her stories)
I shook my head, "Ron."
Her eyes grew wide, "Woah, I totally forgot."
"Well I didn't, that's all I thought about the whole weekend."
All she said was "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, me too." I said coldly. I should've been more considerate, knowing she only pretended to care as much as I did about his absence.
"And we have been waiting three months for him to not show?!"
I just said "Yeah, I know." when I felt like saying "I'm the one who waited while you were off getting a new boyfriend every week." But I shut my mouth, and sat for a while in an awkward pause. Out of no where I felt an urge to rant,
"And you know the worst part? Ron was the only one I could talk to like that. If I was feeling down he could cheer me up. My friends can't even do that, they make me laugh, but HE made me okay. I told him everything! And on top of all this, my cousin might have cancer! She went from a size XL to a SM. That doesn't just happen! Her mother, my aunt of course, is having one heck of a life. I feel bad for her. She lost her mother when she was just a child, her dad died back in '06, her other daughter past away a few years back, and her dog died two days ago! Now this? I am in a slump right now Heather. I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to die." That may have sounded a bit dramatic, but not if she knew the whole story. And I wasn't getting into that right now.
I continued "This day was supposed to be amazing. But I guess its not now." And I turned towards the window and noticed we were getting close to the school. Remembering there wasn't much time left, I turned back to ask Ron's little brother to see what happened.
I said to Heather "Watch this." because I was still quite angry.
"Laura!" I said to get the attention of a girl ahead of me. "Can you wake up Jonathon?" Which is Ron's little brothers' name, he was sleeping.
He wouldn't wake up, this angered me more. And I noticed he had his hood up,
"Take his hood off." I said. They did so, and he woke up, and half asleep he said,
"Whaa?" Jonathon has a bit of a speech impairment, he was talking really quiet, and he sat 5 seats ahead of me, so it was kind of hard to hear him.
"Where is Ron." I stated loudly and clearly, showing I was unhappy. He said something but I couldn't hear him, so I asked him to repeat himself. Which happened a couple of times. But in the end this was what he was trying to say,
"Ron came back on Saturday, but he won't be coming back to school. He has to go to scope because they don't want him getting in anymore trouble."
I felt my heart shatter into a million little pieces, all over the dirty floor of the bus. I looked back to Heather and I guess the look of shock on my face said it all because she just said "I know." with the same dumbfounded look on her face. But I didn't believe it for a minute. I just looked out the window in disbelief, when I noticed we were at the school.
We went to get off the bus, and onto the blacktop. I searched for my group of friends and went over to them. We all stood there shivering, teeth chattering, and I ended up telling two of my friends what happened because I already told them about Ron back in January. So I had to update the when they asked about the upset look on my face.
The bell rang and the mass of students walked inside the school. I went to my locker, to the bathroom, and to first period, with my head still in a blur thinking about Ron. The first warning bell rang, and I knew I had like three minutes left, I hate sitting alone so I got up from my seat and asked to get a drink of water. But as I was walking out I saw my friend Michelle, her eyes were red and she was definitely crying. As I was walking by, I saw her and stopped her.
"What's wrong?" I asked, my voice filled with concern and seriousness.
She shook her head, but I insisted,
She said, "Sit with me?"
I replied "Sure, okay, let's go"
Awkwardly we tried to find two empty seats by each other. She told me all about how she and Tyler just broke up because he found out she loves this guy named Michael. I wasn't interested, but I had to comfort her in her time of need. Although the conversation was filled with uncomfortable breaks and interruptions, I ended up giving some good advice which is always my intent. When I felt it was alright, I told her about my morning, but leaving out some embarrassing details like names and too much detail on my feelings towards Trey.
Well the bell rang again, dismissing first period, and onto second. I had keyboarding. I was just going through the motions honestly. I had no feelings towards anything that was happening except for my thoughts on Ron. Good grief I just couldn't get him out of my head. Keyboarding Class went by slowly, as usual, and I told two more of my friends that already knew about the situation. Well, after that class, I was at my locker, with Penelope who was waiting for Kara, and they were making they're usually inside jokes that I had no idea about. But they started talking about Penelope's ex-boyfriend something I knew about and I hopped in the conversation. They started blurting out really loud inappropriate stuff about her ex, and we started walking away.
Ms. Baker called me back, I was scared because I though she heard what they were saying and was trying to blame it on me. Instead it was about the field trip, so we took care of business and I went up to third period social studies. Class was boring today, unusual for this subject, and Lizzy came up to me when I was sharpening my pencil and told me she had something to tell me.
She said "Its good news, but you're going to be mad." I already knew what it was, when she said that it was about Miguel.
I said "No no, I don't want to hear it." And I walked back to my seat.
Well, Mary already knew about Ron but I didn't feel like filling her in on what happened, instead I focused on the two to try and get my mind of him who couldn't stay away. Lizzy and Miguel had a long and detailed past which angered me because she was with him but he was a complete jerk to her. So they broke up. Now I think based on what Mary just said, they're going to get back together. That's why I was so rejecting. I wrote a not saying "What do you have to tell me?" just to make sure I wasn't over reacting. I passed it to her and waited on her to write back. The teacher walked out for a minute, and the note got passed to me. But the teacher came in the class at the nick of time and I thought he saw it. I quickly hid it under my book and started working on the warm up. But it was too late, he came over and lifted my book and took the note. Me and Lizzy were freaking out, me especially because I had no clue how detailed she wrote her reply. The teacher read it and said
"Not Miguel! Oh no, don't go back out with Miguel! Didn't you learn the first time.?"
Everyone started laughing because they all know about the couples past troubles. Well after that incident, third period went by quickly.
When fourth period arrived, I was anxious myself to go to lunch or just be around that group of people. We always have a good time. Especially me Penelope and Miguel because we're all connected in the "drama". Miguel and I kept our tradition of saying the assigned places in line and at lunch was bull crap, I did that one, and he spit out his gum. Its just a weird tradition we have. He's alright, and we're okay friends, but what he did to Lizzy was just not right and I don't think they should be together.
Lunch was fun, I got a few laughs in. Especially at the end when me and Miguel made fun of these two teachers again, its an insider we have. Well we got back to class, and I wanted to ask Miguel about Lizzy, because they have differentiated about things in the past, especially their relationship.
I asked him "So, what's up with you and Lizzy? Like are you guys getting together?"
He just looked at me.
So I continued "Remember at the "Poetry Slam you told me and Penelope that you might be going back out? Well?"
He said "Oh, yeah, she wants me to ask her out."
I replied "Oh okay", and I said it like I knew something he didn't, which was the fact that they shouldn't be together.
He asked "Why?"
I said "Oh, no reason." And I turned around. I laughed to myself, and thought 'You are so stupid. But whatever. I'm done interfering with other peoples relationships.'
After a little bit, I heard one of Miguel's friends pass him a note, I kind of peeked and saw the top half of it. It was Miguel's birthday in a couple of days and his friend wrote him saying "I was going to get you a bi-polar red head for your birthday--" But that's all I could read before Miguel laughed and threw it away. He and his friend snickered about the note, and I knew it was about Lizzy. But that's what confused me. He wanted to be with her but he made fun of her, real nice. And that's the exact reason why I don't like them being together. I had a plan to get the note and read it completely when the bell rang, I would get it off the top of the pile in the recycling bin. I did that when everyone got out of the class room and strode by Miguel and his friend, hiding their note. Me and Penelope had Workshop together so I went to her locker and told her all about the note because we both felt the same about Lizzy and Miguel's relationship. We read it in class and the inside was just more jokes about her. I couldn't believe it. But we both decided to let it go and let them hurt each other again. We were done trying to protect our friends from each other.
By fifth period I had realized that when I was alone I thought about Ron more. I mean, throughout the day he was constantly in my head but I was distracted when I was with my friends. And in fifth period math I was always alone, and I never had to do any work. I was sad and on the verge of tears all period. I tried to find things to distract me like cleaning out my binder and going to the bathroom and taking my time on the way. But nothing I did could shake this depressed feeling. I felt so empty, so done with my feelings for any boy I'll ever meet, and finally I felt like I had a hole in my heart. I had my heart broken on too many times this time. We had a good friendship, and he ruined it by being a trouble maker.
I tried so hard to find love, or someone to make me feel wanted. Is that too much to ask? To be wanted and loved, or to feel like it at least? I hated this feeling, and tired of it I put my head down and I tried to cry. To get my feelings out. But I couldn't. I felt like I was about to cry, but the tears just weren't there. They were gone, dried up and gone somewhere else. I knew right then and there, that I had to let go. Because if I didn't, there would be no end to the suffering. And I just don't have the strength to keep fighting.
I rode the bus home staring back to where he used to sit. And I realized, he's gone. He's gone and he can't come back. He just can't. Eventually, I will learn to accept that. Eventually. But right now, I'm stuck in the past. I can still see his face, I can still hear his deep luring voice. I can still feel him, his arms wrapped around me. I keep imagining him coming back, seeing him one last time would be all I could ever ask for. I can just seem him holding me, and pulling me up to his face. Accepting him being gone forever is just not possible. He'll always be in my heart, just not in my reality.