A Secret No More | Teen Ink

A Secret No More

July 28, 2010
By NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky


He drummed his fingernails against the corner of his undersized school desk. Three… two… one- exactly six and a half minutes until sixth period lets out- six and a half minutes until he delivered. It was a schedule he had followed since sophomore year, every other Wednesday just after sixth period, he delivered the note. Never anything that could give him away- he either typed it up and avoided the use of his hand writing, or cut his desired words from newspapers and magazines, ransom-note style.

The message was always the same- the words always different. On Valentines Day last year he had given a small bag of conversation hearts, a cheesy card, and a yellow rose. She liked yellow. Halloween two years ago it was a chocolate eyeball and a small card saying, “You are my treat- here’s one for you. No tricks.” He’d given red and green gummy bears just before Christmas, Irish truffles around St. Patrick’s Day. Today however, like most delivery days, a simple folded piece of loose leaf was all he intended- in now four minutes and sixteen seconds- to slip into her locker. He had decided to give a plain and simple note today, a wrinkled “You enchant me” was all that was uttered on the wide-ruled paper he clutched in his right hand.

One minute and forty-three seconds, also know as eternity, to go. One hundred and three seconds was officially his least favorite number… one hundred and two… One-oh-one…

He got a sort of kick out of it- he imagined so did she. He wondered how exactly it made her feel when she received his notes. Was it the one thing that gave her self-esteem? Or did she think of herself just as fondly as he thought of her? Almost every night, in the late evening hours, she was the sun, and his thoughts were the planets- endlessly revolving around her. He contemplated all possible routes out of the Friend Zone, always trying to navigate a sure-fire road to her heart. Constantly, he wondered if he was going too far. Were his little gifts and treats too bold? His notes too strongly worded? Most of all, were the newspaper and tabloid clippings creepy? Did she think she had a stalker? These things troubled him to no end. But he was one of her closest friends, if this were bothering her, she would tell him as a friend- right? He was one of her closest friends- right?
Who did she think dropped the notes, anyway- a jock, or a techie, perhaps, but certainly not him? He knew he was a secret, pondered or not, he wasn’t sure, but only he knew that this Clark Kent lay under Superman’s six-pack.

The seconds ticked away as his patience and level of attention to the lesson diminished. He became jittery as Mr. Jacobson announced that it was now time to pack up- only twenty-four seconds remained on the teasing clock. Finally- the second hand reached the twelve and the minute hand became perfectly aligned with the two. He held his breath and waited for the bell to set him free.

The thirty-two seconds Mr. Jacobson’s clock was off by were agony- but in a way made the final bell even sweeter sounding. He wove his way through the crowed hallway; the destination was soon in sight.

Ten feet to go… three… two ... one… touchdown. The paper seamlessly slipped into her locker, making the tiniest sound as it landed on her thick beginning-of-spring hoodie. Not a moment later, though, his regulatory schedule was upset. She was exactly twenty-one seconds early- giving her a chance to see a hand dropping the note into he locker- and to whom the hand belonged.

If it was possible, his heart stopped and a smile jumped onto her face simultaneously. His gaze met hers, and at this moment he was still her lab partner, he was still her childhood friend, and he was still her next-door-neighbor.
But in that moment, and everyone that followed- the one thing he finally wasn’t, was her secret admirer.


The author's comments:
I'm don't consider myself much of a romantic, this was totally random. But here it is anyway- all types of feedback are appreciated, ratings are loved too!

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This article has 47 comments.


on Sep. 2 2010 at 8:43 pm

thepreechyteenager: your welcome!!

laurathewise: the problem with the questions is that they're obvious questions that the reader is already asking. compare these two passages and see which one looks better:

I wake up and find myself in complete darkness. Where am I? What happened to me? Am I still dreaming? Something brushes against my leg. What was that? A snake? A worm? My little brother's hand?

I wake up and find myself in complete darkness. Something brushes against my leg. Good lord... please don't tell me that was a snake.

Notice how the questions distract you. Yes, this is an exaggeration and thepreechy's piece wasn't this bad but im just trying to prove a point. You build suspense/mystery/interest by letting the reader ask the questions and not the author. It's much more effective to not ask questions at all--and if you must throw a question in there, do it sparingly.


on Sep. 2 2010 at 7:54 pm
apocalyptigirl BRONZE, Staunton, Virginia
4 articles 2 photos 285 comments

Favorite Quote:
"DON'T PANIC." ~from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

or maybe you shouldn't describe specific facial features---that way, the reader is left imagining what makes this girl so perfect. If you put in your own idea of perfection, then it won't match with someone else's and they may be disappointed. Just describe how her eyes widen and her smile spreads, etc.

on Sep. 2 2010 at 7:49 pm
apocalyptigirl BRONZE, Staunton, Virginia
4 articles 2 photos 285 comments

Favorite Quote:
"DON'T PANIC." ~from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

ARGH! Why do you keep saying it's not one of your best??? I liked it better than Encounters!

 

I also disagree with the question thing. I think it works well, makes him seem more anxious and innocent.


on Sep. 2 2010 at 5:47 pm
TaliaWolf SILVER, Albuquerque, New Mexico
8 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I mean this girl was beautiful, and I'm from Miami where beautiful people go to spawn"
Alex Flinn

True enough

on Sep. 2 2010 at 3:17 pm
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

... I might come off as rude with what I'm about to say, but I'm sorry, this is what I believe to be right.

I would be completely happy to comment on your story, had you actually reviewed mine.  I appreciate your comment and all, but I think saying seven words about my story, then asking for me to read yours is very rude.  I often comment on other people's work and then ask them to read mine, but I always give a thorough assesment of their work before asking about mine.

Again, I'm sorry if I come off rude, but I think you asking me to read your stuff while barley mentioning mine was exceptionally ill-manered.

I'd like you to know that I've read at least one of all of my reader's articles, but I hope you'll understand when I won't read yours.


on Sep. 2 2010 at 2:40 pm
lucybrown SILVER, Blacksburg, Virginia
7 articles 0 photos 112 comments

Favorite Quote:
The wastebasket is a writer's best friend. ~Isaac Bashevis Singer

First things first, but not necessarily in that order. ~ From Doctor Who

Very nice!  I love the ending paragraph!  (:

Could you check out my short story, 'Snakes?' 

Thank you!


Amiee said...
on Sep. 2 2010 at 2:14 am
oh really? this is sooo good for a 12-year old!!

on Sep. 1 2010 at 8:39 pm
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

Thank you :)

This was written when I was 12 years old, and I think I had a major growth in my writig ability shortly after this, so that's probably why this isn't as good as some of my other works. :)


on Sep. 1 2010 at 8:37 pm
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

Haha thanks :)

Maybe some girls want there guy-friends to like them, but I just sort of want to keep things simple lol

guy friend = guy friend

boyfriend = boyfriend

:)


on Sep. 1 2010 at 8:35 pm
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

Thank you :)  This is really not one of my best pieces, but I submitted it for feedback anyways.  I probably make these mistakes you mensioned in a lot of my writing though, so thank you :)  Hey, maybe I can touch this up enought, (although in this situation, I think a better word would be 'mutilate') to resubmit and see how it does. :)  Thanks again.

Amiee said...
on Aug. 30 2010 at 7:39 am
hehe this is cute~ XD i like this, but i personally think that you could write better than this. but it's real cute, i like it ><

on Aug. 29 2010 at 3:01 pm
TaliaWolf SILVER, Albuquerque, New Mexico
8 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I mean this girl was beautiful, and I'm from Miami where beautiful people go to spawn"
Alex Flinn

This made my heart smile. I liked how he knew down to the second how everything would go because he had done it so often. And I think secretly every girl wishes her best guy friend had a crush on her or that something like this would happen to her

on Aug. 25 2010 at 7:06 pm

Not bad. The main problem with this was asking too many questions. You never want to directly ask a question if you're writing in third person. A master of suspense (this piece is built around suspense lol) knows how to make the reader ask the question for themselves.

Overall make this more concise, and you have yourself a solid piece my friend. What I mean by that is see if you can cut back on adverbs and extraneous modifiers. If you find any adverb or more than one modifier in the same sentence, chances are taking them out or simplifying them would make this better.


on Aug. 23 2010 at 8:52 pm
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

Thank you!  I know the story is a little cliche, but there has got to be some reason people keep on writing this over and over... or maybe not lol

on Aug. 23 2010 at 7:59 pm
Just.A.Dream SILVER, Lake Geneva, Wisconsin
7 articles 0 photos 431 comments

Favorite Quote:
Part of the J7X team. :)

At the beginning, you made it sound kinda like he was on a mission or something, but toward the middle, it started coming together. The plot seems kinda familiar, but I think you did a good job writing this, especially the fourth paragraph, I loved how you got in the main character's head at that point! :)

on Aug. 23 2010 at 11:51 am
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

Thanks :)  I <3 comments!!!

on Aug. 23 2010 at 11:05 am
singing4ever GOLD, San Francisco, California
16 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Those who wish to sing always find a song." And, as a close second, "I have always imagined that Paradise will be some kind of library."

It's a wonderfully sweet story that sounds like it really could happen. The description of his impatience at the beginning was fantastic.

on Aug. 22 2010 at 7:15 am
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

Thank you soooo much :)

-Missy- BRONZE said...
on Aug. 21 2010 at 8:52 pm
-Missy- BRONZE, Ahhh, South Dakota
1 article 0 photos 75 comments
This is a really good story. I am glad you asked me to read this. Good write, keep it up.

on Aug. 21 2010 at 7:31 pm
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

Haha thanks like I said romance isn't my thing by why not give it a whack?  I like whacking things haha!!