pt 1
i thought love was instantly smiling when you saw him from across a room. thought it was feeling warmth underneath his touch. wanted to think that all the public displays of affection and the long sexual texts were apart of it all.  i believed that even though there were things he wanted to experience and do that i did not, he loved me and i loved him.  that was my solid belief, with everything within me, until that day at a track meet  in a neighboring town when my eyes caught another and my mouth lingered on his name. it was a pure stare, the type were you find yourself not looking at their body but looking at how they hold themselves and how they let you peek into what they may be thinking. because the deep coloring of his  eyes held me in and made me feel a calm that i had not known for quite sometime. i was thinking in that instant what was i missing. your mouth and your brain grow up with you and everyday you develop these new thoughts and these new words, well that day my mouth and brain grew distant in the best way possible because words couldn’t begin to scratch the way that stare changed everything. it was simple; i asked and he willing stood there for me and held onto to my belongings while i finished my race. he watched me the whole time i was running, bundled in my blanket and clutching to my cracked phone.  i was out of breath not just from running but from the way he looked. he wasn’t overbearing but quite and enticing, i wanted to know more but i was with someone else, some one who i didn’t belong with. collecting my things from this boy i now knew as my breathless sight was hard to do, i wanted to prolong the engagement , i wanted to find out about him, turns out he did too. i began growing cold in that moment and had to get that blanket back at some point but i didn’t want him to become cold too, it was a fight with myself to stay loyal to whom i was with but in the end of all my thoughts i took my things and left him standing there,  only having spoken between us in that moment being a lustful thank you. the rest of that long night i resided beside whom i did not enjoy, his hands not asking for mine but wanting everything else, i wasn’t keen of this want to publicly display his affection. when the races ended and the crowds returned home as well as i, i laid in bed and let my thoughts drag on about this peculiar new character. months into my relationship with this  pushy figure i kept thinking about that night with the other. as a more secretive day grew into motion watching movies and feeling underneath blankets my body greeted its most disgusted state. every touch from this boy threw me into a longing to be left alone, to be let go of. he wanted everything from me , wanted me to  sub-comb to his desires. reaching where he wanted id swat away his sickening touch but with every act of resistance he only pressured me more and so i fell to his grip. a mere hour of this touch i bared, but a longer time after i would hate myself and body. this boy and i reached the end of being together out of his disappointment that i wouldn’t let him take my purity. that relation was not one of love, it was loneliness wanting to be cured temporarily, it was a filler in the void. words like to play mean games and so do the people who abuse their meaning, this boy never was an intellect nor had a care for the delicacy of how words could make something beautiful, rather he was a master of mangling things to fit what he wanted. and so he created his own language full of hate  to catch me up on and run me down. he loved the heavier names , the names given to the girls who really do sell away their bodies, though he thought of me as a  prude he still called me to his attention as a whore. love doesn’t leave one trembling from the misuse of words, rather it mends a body, but mending was what i had missed. i was free from his touch but not free from its wounds, not quite yet.