real

What a better place to start then the beginning a small voice said in the corner of my mind.

She stared blankly at the piece of slightly bent lined paper in front of her. There were words on it but she couldn’t make any sense of it. She sighed and tried to run her hand through her tangled mess of curly hair. Not being able to make much progress she promptly took her hand out and stopped trying. She was physically and emotionally exhausted. All the days seemed to run together in a grey blur of massive nothingness. Her medicine was helping to an extent for now at least she could think a bit straight without the darkness corroding her mind with thoughts that would make her wish evermore for that sweet oblivion that eternal slumber felt to be. But she still felt purposeless. School which used to be a haven for her held no value to her anymore and she just couldn’t find the energy to motivate herself to think otherwise. She tapped the orange Ticonderoga pencil rhythmically against the faux wood table hoping that something, anything would come to her, to no avail. She often found it hard to sleep at night and paid the price for it when classes started. But she kept this to herself as to knowing that when it came down to it that either way she was going to have to at least pretend, for now, not to be effected by it. Suddenly while in her haze of thoughts her teacher called her name out and her eyes quickly snapped up towards the board.
“Lanae, are you alive in there?”
It was a funny question I told myself. And even almost contemplated saying “barely” but knowing the obvious answer to the question I blurted out halfheartedly “Umm yeah of course!” and even added a slight chuckle at the end for emphasis. The teacher then turned back to the board and continued the lecture on something to do with the Middle East. I found it especially hard in this class- though I like the idea of it. World cultures, a concept that always held at least some bit of interest to me had now become lifeless and just an array of facts for me. I felt that maybe the teacher was a good person at heart but put so very little effort into his teaching that it was painfully obvious. So after about 6 weeks of it I had come to the conclusion that I would only put in as much effort as he did, which wasn’t a lot. Though knowing that wasn’t the wisest idea I did it anyway- not caring either way. But after what seemed like hours the class finally ended and I was free to proceed to my next class.

The days continued to repeat like that over and over for months and her home situation only grew worse. She wasn’t one for pity so she refused to let another soul know of the ongoing battle that partook in her each day. She kept thinking to herself fight the good fight and maybe it will all be worth it someday- she was fighting the war and battling her innermost demons and though even at times it felt like she couldn’t win anymore she kept on fighting. She started to tire more and more and the more fatigued she got the harder the battles became. She told herself once that she was tired of being tired and tried to give up- but fate stood in the way and told her that her war was not over until it was won. She kept on keeping on and even found solace in one of her classes. It was a class where she felt truly free to be herself a class where some sort of expression was not frowned upon and creativity was even encouraged. She smiled on the inside knowing that there was at least one place where she felt…well- human.

“Okay class tonight for homework there is an optional 2 point extra credit assignment – It will be on Edmodo.” I smiled both inwardly and outwardly- I didn’t consider myself a very good writer and was always a bit shy on showing others it but I loved assignments like these. Where we could just for once be free to let all of the emotions and thoughts out through paper and words. I immediately couldn’t wait to get back to my student home and start it. And for just that moment she felt at peace- and didn’t have to worry about the storm of chaos that was brewing within and all around her.

She got back to her student home- a place she didn’t like nor necessarily dislike either. She tried not to form much of an opinion about it for knowing that would just cause strife for her on the inside. It was about 5:00 and that made her feel good to be back this early- she was a busy girl. She had to be to keep her mind off of the icky thoughts. It was her way of escaping even if just for a while. But nonetheless she made her way to the computer room and dropped her book bag at her feet to pull out and sit in the mahogany chair in front of the computer. She started up the monitor and logged on using her student identification username and password. She waited for it to process anxiety building in her. Setting up desktop….setting up desktop….setting up desktop. Finally the light blue screen revealed her generic windows wallpaper and she clicked on the green, yellow, and red icon. It popped open and she clicked her way to Edmodo. After another long process of logging in she finally got on and scrolled to the latest post. Finally she found it “Extra Credit +2” she read the prompt trying to absorb it quickly. She had no idea what to write about nor how to even start it. That was always the hardest part for her, the beginning. She stared at the white and blue screen intently refusing to let sleep override her eyes for a moment. She finally clicked on the box and slowly began to attempt to type first slowly and then more rapidly still- the Calibri body font eleven font looked perfect on the screen to her as the first nine words fell perfectly into place-
“What a better place to start then the beginning…”