This Is How It Goes | Teen Ink

This Is How It Goes

October 29, 2015
By VM709 DIAMOND, Ormond Beach, Florida
VM709 DIAMOND, Ormond Beach, Florida
72 articles 7 photos 25 comments

Favorite Quote:
" I will never be what you want from me "

I'm not crazy I promise. I'll tell you what happened and those will be my last words tonight. So I may have snapped over something small but its to late to turn back . Heres how it goes .. this is my story. I was born on December 25th 1976 . Yes I was a Christmas baby. My Mother went into the hospital at 5 am Christmas morning and I was born at 11:59 Christmas night. Because of this they named me Angel but they also had high expectations of me. Before I start this you need to know my writting may be chicken scratch and my words illogical as I write due to the fact I've downed 10 cans of beer and 2 bottles of anti-depressents. Anyways so yes I was at the high expectations. My Mother was a lawyer and my Father was a doctor so my grades were expected to be high and my attitude was supposed to be higher. To relieve myself from these distractions I started getting high - I didn't deal and I didn't do it alot but I did it enough to feel like I was worth something and soon I didnt care about any expectations set for me anymore so I gave up. I stopped eating and suddenly I couldnt eat without the guilt and the horrible feeling of wanting to die. And so I started overdosing on my antidepressents. My Mother and Father never noticed the missing medications and even if they had they never said a word to me. You see the medicine made me feel happy and it took that many to do it . Maybe  I thought I was just going to be happy because of how many antidepressents I had taken - it mightve been a placebo of death but 'll never know. But suddenly things changed my parents cracked down on my smoking and overdosing and I didnt know what else to do so I used my own money once I turned 18 to buy a fake id so I could go drinking at the local bar. One night when I was 20 , just a month before my 21st birthday , I was caught drunk driving and suddenly my life changed. I was booked and I lost my job , my house , my lively hood and everything I had worked so hard for. So I had decided instead of building it back up that I would simply just end everything and that's what I'm about to do. So tonight when I got home to my make shift apartment I finally scrapped by with enough money to pay rent for I opened up my case of beer and chugged down all the antidepressents I had been saving up . I'm 35 now. Still unmarried and childless with a job at a local restraunt working as a waitress. My Father passed away years ago and my Mother wont speak to me and the pills are all I have. The pills and the cigrattes and the beer. They are all that keep me going .. but ironically what is keeping me going is slowly killing me. That is all I have to say. Goodnight but hopefully not goodbye .. or hopefully good bye I dont know anymore. 

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