I can’t pinpoint the exact moment that I fell in love with you. Maybe it was long before we were together or maybe it was long after. Maybe I never loved you at all and my feelings were just those of strong admiration or borderline infatuation. Maybe it wasn’t exactly you that I loved. Maybe it was the thought of just simply having someone at all. Either way, when it ended, it hurt. So I guess it had to be love. And I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anyone before and the thought of not being with you caused me so much pain.
When it ended, I felt empty inside knowing that you didn’t love me anymore. That all the time we spent together meant less to you than it did to me. All those words that held no meaning. The constant I Love You’s and the times we told each other that we would never be apart. Now it’s over and I know I need to move on, but it’s your eyes. They have always been, and will continue to be my breaking point; my weak spot. I will say that I’m done and I will say that I’m over you, but just one glance and I’m back fighting off the never ending flow of senseless little memories that dare to break my façade. The indescribable pain that I feel when I see you is unbearable, yet every single day, I put on my happy face and pretend that nothing is wrong. That I’m fine. That I don’t feel as if my heart is being torn apart every time you speak.
I never knew that another person could make me feel this way. We were so close and now we’re not. Everything changed; everything’s different. I wish there was a book or maybe a set of guidelines for how to pull me out of this depression that I’m in. I have to wait for many more months until I an escape this prison that I’m in where my daily punishment is seeing you. I can’t keep living this life where I continue to push these feelings deep inside me during the day when I’m around others and let them out at night when I’m alone. I can’t keep living this life where I tell lies to keep other people happy because I know that my problems will only make them exhausted.
All of this hurt because of you. How do I fix this? How do I get through? Am I the only one? Are there millions of more just like me? All of this hurt because you decided that you didn’t have the same feelings like you used to. I wish you knew. I wish you knew how I feel right at this exact moment. But most of all, I wish you would want me again.
So I guess this is what heartache feels like. When you learn that the person you love dosen’t reciprocate the feelings, you kind of feel like your world is crashing down all at once. And when it’s done crashing, it starts all over again.