I felt like the world was golden silk, delicate and soft, but strong and beautiful. I fell in love with the ideas I created, only to have you tear them down along with me. I went from a queen to nothing in a matter of seconds for you -- before, I was golden silk, but you made me into plastic filth. You stood and watched as I crumbled before you, and pretended as if you actually cared and would help me. You gave me your hand, only to slap me with it.
“Tell me, was it worth it?”
He looked down. “Look, it’s complicated --”
He cut himself off, looking anywhere but at me. I shook my head. “You can’t -- everything is complicated. Why did you do something like this to me? I trusted you.”
“It’s not like I killed your brother or anything.”
“Like you could.”
He sighed deeply.
He tore me down and left me broken, and laughed about it. If this was the first time, maybe I would be okay. Second, iffy, but maybe. Third, I am broken and battered, and you made me this way.
“I’m sorry.”
“That doesn’t help anything.”
Sometimes I think love isn’t in your vocabulary, but I am permanently burned into you, and you to me. Love isn’t an option for us. Just a force bringing us together, not allowing more than attraction, but still something stronger than we ever expected. It’s not love. It’s a soul connection. But whether or not it’s real is the question -- I am burned into your soul and you are burned into mine. By force, we are trapped together.
I don’t remember the beginning, but now I see the end.
I feel as though I am made up of “supposed to bes”. We were supposed to be forever. I’m supposed to be happy. Everything is supposed to be okay -- but it’s not. He left bruises on my heart, and they ache every day. I hope he knows that I will always be here to keep the blood inside his veins, even on the nights where I can’t stop swallowing pills because they taste like him. I hope he knows that I will always be here to kiss him goodnight, even if I fall asleep crying afterward.
Your words were like gasoline and my heart was a lit match, and with “I love you”, you set it ablaze. At first I liked the burning sensation, because for the first time in forever I felt like I could feel something. Then you stomped on the fire with “goodbye”. This fire is still burning, though, and the gasoline dripping from your lips won’t stop fueling the flame. It’s starting to burn my insides and scar my outsides. I’m disintegrating into nothing but a pile of ashes -- I’m nothing without you.
I feel sick because to me you are every flower kissing the earth, every bolt of lightning in the sky, every drop of blood in my body -- and I’m not even a flickering light above your bathroom mirror.