I knew a girl who lost her mother because of a terrible reign of mindwashing. It was symbolic, religion is suppose to save you and not harm your family, allienate your children..destroy your whole world. I couldn't believe cults existed before we started going to church. I am part of the system in which God is a man and women are slaves. I am a slave.

I worry about my future withitn the church. My rabi told me I was a delicate flower and could be smushed by the evils within me easily. His ranting didn't worry me, I was strong. I had been abused, physically, mentally, any way possible. My father of many men whom my mother thought it would be nice to elliminate one by one from my life. I don't know his name or their names for that matter. Even if I didn't know their names one face stuck out to me.

I could see it in my dreams. He had green eyes, wild green eyes that ate my soul from the inside out. His hair was a burnt blonde ash and his face was old. I cant shake this memory. I dont know who he is but he is a part of me, bad or good I cant shake his face. I asked my god mother about him, she said she had no idea what I was contemplating in my head. He didn't exist. I knew that was a lie. Her eyes were hiding a deep secret within.

The time was Passover and we prepared with a feast. My mum was laying next to Burch A Haven. I spotted her and ran to her. I sat on her grave and layed a vail of roses down. It was her favorite time of year oh how I wish she could have dinner with us. It was almost sun down I had to get home before they prayed or I was not to get dinner. I was almost seventeen and I was treated like a savage at home.

I missed my mother her death story always frightened me. She was brainwashed as a child to kidnap children and make them pray with her in the congregation. Maybe I wasn't hers after all. Maybe the man I saw in my dreams was my grandfather or maybe my father was extremely old. Who knew why bother trying to remember. It didn’t matter my fake mother was dead, I was alone with my godmother. My awful, godmother. She made my skin crawl because of the beliefs she also had. Women were slaves and men knew best.

I hate the Jewish religion. It makes me sad to have to be Jewish. All the stereotypes I don’t need that or this for that matter. I just want to leave and never come back. I walk home a sad an miserable person. I just want to be able to breathe finally without all the rage, anger, and tiredness. I want to throw up all the fire and angst in my soul. A bridge of denile in there that everything will be okay and we will survive. I don’t think I will survive. I want to throw myself off a bridge and make my god mother happy. As I rant the world doesn’t get any better. Why rant?