dear freshmen

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Dear Freshman: Failure is the New Accomplishment

If your goal is to fail high school, then read this three-step guide. This is your guarantee for failure. First off, don’t do your homework. It is a waste of valuable time. Second, never show up on time for class. That’s for kids who want to make the most of every possible minute to learn something. Finally, practice the art of disorganization. Organization is for winners and you want to be a loser, don’t you? If you follow this three-step process, you will become successful at being unsuccessful. In short, you will fail high school. And then you can help stimulate the economy by working at a fast food restaurant for the rest of your life.
What is homework? By definition, homework is something that teachers assign to kill your social life. If you do your homework you can no longer hang out with you’re friends or playthat new videogame that you bought last weekend. Homework is a huge time suck. Every waking moment between the last bell of the day and the time you fall asleep from exhaustion, you’ll be doing homework. Teachers tell you that you “need” to do your homework to make the most of your learning opportunity in class, but they don’t understand. Homework is for kids who want to succeed. Homework is a black hole that sucks the fun out of everything. So, skip the homework and you’re on the way to failure. Plus, if you don’t do your homework you can use all those great excuses like “my dog ate it”.
The second step is to always show up late to class. “Tardy” is a term meaning “this kid is smart enough to value sleep.” If a student shows up to all of his or her classes on time, they are obviously losing sleep. Losing sleep can be harmful to your health. This has proven to be true by doctors and scientists worldwide who say that high school students need up to 10 or more hours of sleep per night to be fully functional. Now, why would you put your education over your health?

You’re almost there! The third and final step to failing high school is to practice disorganization. Staying organized is a great way to do well in school, but it is also a great way to lose valuable time and money. When you are disorganized, you can’t possibly succeed in high school. The goal is to stuff everything into your backpack. Forget the binders and folders and pockets to keep class work separated. Crumpled and torn papers are the standard for disorganization!
If you follow this three step process, I promise that you will fail high school. If you prove worthy of failure, a broad variety of low paying jobs will present themselves to you throughout your lifetime and you are guaranteed a lower standard of living. Being successful isn’t all that great, but failing couldn’t be better. Hopefully by now you have the basic idea of how to fail high school. If not, I am sincerely sorry for you and wish you luck on your hopeless endeavor.
Look at it this way, if you set low goals for yourself, you are more likely to meet them. So it’s a win-win situation! Be part of the few, the accomplished, the failed.

P.S This is foolproof.

(564 words)

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