A Walk in the Park MAG

June 19, 2012
By KK2013 GOLD, Solon, Ohio
KK2013 GOLD, Solon, Ohio
10 articles 2 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
Age is foolish and forgetful when it underestimates youth.-J. K. Rowling


The sun blazed on the newly placed forget-me-nots adorning her grave. Slowly, I got off my knees and backed up. Today marked the passing of an entire year my wife and I had been apart. I was reluctant to tear my eyes from the seemingly last tangible evidence that she had even existed.

Brushing the grass from my knees, I turned slowly, hearing my joints pop and yell, begging me to stop moving altogether. Noticing the pain, it dawned on me that I had forgotten to take my arthritis pills that morning. Hand shaking, I attempted to unzip my coat pocket. My fingers feebly grasped at the zipper, but it took several tries to get it open. The doctors said that this quivering was probably mild Parkinson's disease, but it supposedly wasn't bad enough to worry about.

Yet.

As I meandered from the cemetery, I awkwardly dug my left hand into the right-side pocket for the bottle. My right arm hung uselessly at my side in its sling, nothing but an encumbrance.

Grunting with success, I squinted at the label, trying to read it. I lifted my hand to adjust my glasses, smudging them a bit. I sighed, taking a pill while bracing myself for the long walk home. After the third accident last month, the court had revoked my license, and now I was forced to walk everywhere from my retirement housing.

“Retirement housing”: a year later, I still can't call it home.

Adopting a smile, I focused my attention on my stroll through the park. It was the one thing that never failed to lift my spirits. Shuffling across the street, I turned my hearing aid up, ready to absorb the life surrounding me as I entered the park.

The stroll had only one drawback: my asthma. About halfway through the wheezing became unbearable. Huffing, I collapsed on the nearest bench. As I reached for my inhaler, I once again considered an easier life, one without all of these physical restraints. If only.

As my breathing returned to normal, I looked around, enthralled by the scenery. The dark green foliage contrasted with the pink flowers. Songbirds were singing their hymns for all who would listen. I smiled. This was where I belonged.

A scream pierced the ethereal atmosphere.

“Oh my God, are you serious? Yes, of course I'll go out with you!” A girl a few feet away jumped in excitement. I watched with interest as she began texting and screaming with others. I shook my head, marveling at the youth's energy. After a few moments, I stood, prepared to finish my trek. Again, I ignored the pain in my joints.

The girl was jumping about when it happened.

With my first few steps, she dropped it.

It fell in slow motion, spinning. There was nothing I could do.

My foot fell. It crunched.

I skidded on the remains of the phone and fell to the ground. Wincing, I looked up into her eyes, hoping she would help me up, but I saw nothing but hate.

She spoke feverishly, anger flaring. “Aargh! Why does everything bad always happen to me?”


The author's comments:
I wrote this piece for fun, and it ended up in my high school's literary magazine (which I'm the editor of next year!). My goal was to contrast the different generations and their relative amount of problems and patterns of thinking.

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This article has 8 comments.


on Apr. 17 2016 at 8:31 am
foreverSmall PLATINUM, Brighton, Michigan
23 articles 0 photos 37 comments
Marvelous. I loved your points of description and the ending made me smile. Keep writing!

on Feb. 27 2015 at 9:34 am
French_Gold SILVER, Waynesville, Georgia
9 articles 0 photos 70 comments

Favorite Quote:
There's plenty of sense in nonsense, if you wish to look for it.
-Cassandra Clare

This is an awesome piece.

on Dec. 4 2012 at 4:34 pm
GuardianoftheStars GOLD, Shongaloo, Louisiana
17 articles 0 photos 495 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Let's tell young people the best books are yet to be written; the best painting, the best government, the best of everything is yet to be done by them."
-John Erslcine

Poor old guy. :( ANyways I liked it. There was a couple of scentences that could've flowed better, but over all a nice peice of work.

on Nov. 23 2012 at 2:50 pm
hugeNYRfan BRONZE, Glen Rock, New Jersey
4 articles 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
dreams are like rainbows, only idiots chase them

if that was me, i'll be like: darn!

on Jul. 25 2012 at 2:03 pm
FlameSeeker373 SILVER, Richmond, Texas
6 articles 3 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
"...Magic is just science that we don't understand yet..."


















Arthur C. Clark

Great job. I really liked the structure of the story! But, you could have been a little more descriptive and a used better wording. But again, great job!!! :)

KK2013 GOLD said...
on Jun. 25 2012 at 6:38 pm
KK2013 GOLD, Solon, Ohio
10 articles 2 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
Age is foolish and forgetful when it underestimates youth.-J. K. Rowling

Thanks sooo much! That's actually fantastic advice! :D This is exactly what I always hope for in a comment! You're the best!

SethP BRONZE said...
on Jun. 25 2012 at 1:41 pm
SethP BRONZE, Durham, North Carolina
1 article 0 photos 54 comments

I really like the concept for this story. I think you did a pretty good job getting the reader into the head of the main character and developing a contrast between the man and the girl that rings true even when her phone no longer will. 

I just have one or two suggestions for ways that, in my opinion, you could strengthen this piece and your writing in general.

There are a few places where the wording is a bit awkward ("I was resorted to walk," "the wheezing began to be unbearable," "as my breathing became reduced to normalcy"). Make your sentences punch more by cutting out some of the clutter. For example, maybe try changing a sentence like "About halfway through the park, the wheezing began to be unbearable" to something more succint and poignant to maintain the mood of the previous sentence. You could make it as simple a change as "About halway through the park, the wheezing became unbearable." When you go back and edit your writing, I think if you look for sentences or phrases like those I pointed out and cut out some clutter, your writing will gain more of a punch where needed. You definitely have moments where your prose punches, like "My foot fell. It crunched," so I would recommend trying to produce more of those types of sentences once in a while. Plus, I think varying your sentence structure will help make the first person narrative seem more realistic, and will get the reader into the main character's head even more. 

All in all, though, great job. I enjoyed reading this piece. You have a lot of potential. Keep writing!

 


on Jun. 23 2012 at 7:15 pm
luv2bLDS BRONZE, Peoria, Arizona
4 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough.

Oh my goodness! This is so good! I love how you contrasted the two points of view. It's so true, though! Keep writing! You're very talented!


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