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I'm sitting on the school's bench like I do everyday and he talks to me again. I wonder if he understands that I am not going to talk back. I can't talk back. I can't be his friend. I can't be any-one's friend. I love how someone actually tries to be my friend when it's already too late. It's already planed out. It's going to happen. I'm not scared. I just hope when I leave no one will remember me. I don't want anyone to be sad or cry over me. I have decided that I just need to distance myself.
"I can't have any relationships anymore."
"Hello,Kaylee." he said. Doesn't he understand I haven't spoken to hI'm the past month so therefor I'm not going to speak to hI'm now. He is nice to look at though. He has pretty blue eyes. They remind me of the ocean. His brown, skater boy hair cut really frames his face. He has high cheek bones. He's wearing his pants loose and a black tee shirt that really fits his muscular body. I have never seen hI'm with anything on his shirt. He always wears a pain colored shirt. Yesterday, he wore blue. I wonder what he thinks of me? My long, brown hair? I always wear It down. I never liked my hair it is to thick and wavy. When I wear it up I get headaches.Well, I guess I should be glad I have hair. I'm wearing sweat pants and a plain white t shirt today. He most likely thinks I have an eating disorder by how skinny I am but, really it is just the medication.
I wonder why he Isn't popular? He keeps to hI'mself like I do. Why does he talk to me? He is making my plan harder to fulfill.Finally, my mother is here to take me home.
" You know, your eyes are a very rare blue color, they're pretty" He says to me before I get up. I ignore hI'm. I walk to my parents car and get in to head to the place we now call home.
When I get into the car my mom asks me about my day then, we ride in silence. I can't stop thinking about hI'm. How he complI'mented my eyes. I'm surprised he could see my eyes through the five layers of eyeliner I have on. I only wear it cause I get bored in the mornings. I have nothing better to do with my tI'me since my medication keeps me up. Ugh... I hate pills! Maybe, instead of taking them I can just sell them but what would I buy? We park into the Drive way. As soon as I get in my house I head for my room. I need to be distant with my family. It will be a lot easier that way. When I'm gone I will miss them a lot. Especially, my little sister. She looks up to me. I'm not sure why but she is adorable. She is five.
My room Is nice and clean how I left it. I hate living in a messy environment. Now, tI'me to listen to my ipod until dinner tI'me. Hmm.. I think I will listen to Hawthorn Heights today. They are my favorite band.
Two or three hours later....
"Kaylee, dinner is ready" My mom yells. I am not even hungry I never am. My stomach growls. I hardly eat but I stopped feeling the hunger pain months ago. I walk down and sit at the kitchen table across from Lissa, my sister. Awkward silence like every other night.until, Lissa talks about her day at kindergarten. She is so smart. I love listening to her stories. I only eat a couple bites. Nothing tastes good anymore.
"Kaylee, your father nor I can pick you up from school this week. Are you okay with taking the buss?"
I nod and ask to be excused.
Another morning I wake up at 5am cause I can't sleep. I think sweat pants are in store again today and a black tee shirt. I'm going to wear my hair in two braids. It actually looks pretty. I haven't really noticed how long my hair is. It's about to the end of my rib cage. As long as It's out of my face I guess I don't really care. I take the bus today as usual.
First block is so exciting, not. It's English and he is in my class. He sits right next to me. He is in all my classes but one. Since the seats go in alphabetical order and his name is Cayden Hawkins and mine is Kaylee Hale. I'm always sitting by hI'm. I haven't spoken to anyone since I started this stupid school. I guess it's a good way of not having relationships.
He passes me a note. Does he ever stop? It said
So, Kaylee What's your deal?
How am I supposed to answer that? I give it back to hI'm with nothing written. He wrote something els. It says
Since you wont speak to me maybe you will write to me. After all, this is English class.
Doesn't he get it. So, I took my pen and wrote back. I put a scribble over his lowercase e and made a uppercase one. When he read it he gave me this little smirk.
Finally, the bell rings. I don't have my next class with hI'm. I grab a seat to the back of my bio class. the teachers never call on me anyways. They know I wont answer. I wonder what they think of me? They never really tried to speak to me, like the other teachers at my other schools. This one is pretty big though. They probably don't put effort into people who don't want to participate. I guess they probably think I'm a lost cause. About tI'me I find some teachers that don't pry in my business.
Lunch tI'me is here and I sit at a table all alone like every other day with my ipod plugged in. We aren't supposed to have ipods but, the teachers quit hassling me about it because I just ignore them. It gets really awkward for them to stand there and yell at someone who shows no emotion. After a couple trips to the principal, they quit. Looks like Cayden is sitting with me today.
"Hey Kaylee how are you today?"Maybe I should just have a conversation with hI'm. It's not going to hurt I guess.
"Why don't you just talk to me please. I have been at this for a month now"
I take off my head phones and say,"Why do you even bother?" My voice comes out very raspy I haven't really spoken to anyone in a couple days.
"Wow! She speaks?" he says sarcastically.
I shoot an evil look past hI'm. Is he going to answer my question?
"Sorry, I'm just so shocked I've have been at this for a while. You actually had me thinking you could resist my charm. You have a lot of will power you know? Most girls love talking to me." He grinned.
"I'm not most girls and answer my question." I said in an annoyed tone.
"Oh Yeah, uhm maybe I just want to talk to you and become friends. Good old friends." he was fully grinning now. He does have nice pearly whites.
"Why?" I manage to bl-urge out while I am admiring his looks.
"Uhm, you seem pretty cool I guess" he smiles. He has a pretty smile I want to smile but, I can't. I don't want hI'm to see me so, I just lay my head down. Finally, the bell rings and I don't speak to hI'm the rest of the school day. Then, he finds me outside sitting on the bench and comes up to me and says
"So, I want to be your friend, a good friend. You seem different. You really don't care what anyone thinks of you and It's funny to watch teachers try and talk to you and you just ignore them like they are never there. Plus, your not weird around me like every other girl."
" You don't want to be my friend." I say here it comes. Why not? Why can't you have emotions with people. Why can't you be a normal girl and admire a boy. Why can't you be the girl your parents want to live a happy and successful life?
"Why not?" he says looking confused.
"Because I'm not going to be alive for much longer" I say it wow! I cant believe I just said that. I faced it. Something my parents won't face. Something they bury out because I won't listen to what they want. I won't do what they want.
He looks confused and a hint of sadness is in his eyes
"What?" He Says
"I have cancer and just a couple months to live I stopped taking treatments and I'm just stuck with a couple medications.I'm sick of moving a ton load of tI'mes a year to get into different Dr. offices. It isn't fare to my family. So no, Cayden I can't afford to be friends." I Say with bitterness and then the bus comes to take me away.
I take my seat in the middle my cheeks are red but I feel good. Finally, my worst fear is now out of my head. I said it. It feels good to say it. Buried emotions are way to much to handle.
I say loudly " I have cancer." People stair as I walk off the buss but I don't care.
I have that feeling of relief burning through my veins.