I really love her. Don't tell me it isn't true. Can't you see how beautiful she is? Can't you see the way she shines? I know she's only seventeen. I know I can't have her. I know she doesn't love me back. Do I really love her? Is my thinking right? Does her skin really glow? Do her eyes really sparkle? Please, tell me. The first day we met. Did I know then? Did she? What was I expecting? Not her. When she came through that door, shy, nervous, with Him, my heart stopped breathing. Maybe I did know. She signed up. She talked about things that I was too nervous to laugh at, too engaged in her eyes to hear. If I didn't know the moment I saw her, I knew when she left that day. She just glowed. Over the next few months, I rarely saw her. Only once or twice. But that was enough, then. She'd come in and my heart would start again, I would tell her the only words that I could think of, the only thing we shared. She would laugh, but in her eyes I could see her getting bored. I could see her glance away. That hurt. I wanted her to never look away. I wanted her to see me. Finally, It was over. She could come for good. She was always with Him, talking, laughing. I made jokes about them to see if it was love. I desperately wanted them to say no. I got what I wanted. They were only friends. I wanted to be with her, alone. I wanted her to look past Him and see me. I wanted her to know me, only me. I wanted to be the only one in her life. The more I saw her, the more beautiful she got. Every day that passed. When she smiled, I melted. I melted and she couldn't tell. She didn't notice. We talked every day. All day. It was everything I wanted. But she didn't like me back. How? Why? Why wouldn't she tell me? Why wouldn't she explain? “Because.” She said. That wasn't enough. I wanted her to pay for what she was putting me through. She was making me miserable. But how? By being herself? By living? If I couldn't get what I wanted, I wanted to die. Die die die. Be away from all of this. Be away from her alluring smile, her enticing mind. I couldn't do it anymore. She mentioned hurting herself. I was irate. How could anyone imagine hurting this creature? What would the world do without her? I said that I promised I wouldn't hurt myself. It was to save her. I would die a thousand times rather than see her face contorted into a frown. Goodbye :( I can't live without you. Just remember somebody loved you enough to do this. I'm going for a walk, maybe I'll get hit by a car. I never said I was going to jump off a cliff or anything; I don't know where one is around here, anyways. No girl has ever pushed me that close. I can't eat. I don't want to eat. I'll stop drinking too. That''ll move things along. How long can a person last that way? A few days? You won't have to deal with me much longer. I won't live without you. I won't last much longer. Does that mean anything to you? It was over. She told the world. The world came crashing down on me. I sat alone. I sat alone with my mind. It was my mind's fault. Without her, things were clear. I did not love her. Did I even know her? Is this even real? I sit down with the world. My heart is going to burst into nothing, because She is here, and She is my heart. I have to say that she isn't; I have to lie. I tell the world my problem. I tell them about my Bipolar. I use that as my excuse. Was Her heart beating this fast? Did She care about me? Why was She here? The world believed me. I began to believe myself. What was special about Her? She, herself had even asked me that. She did not believe she was special, so why would I? Where are you? I haven't spoken to you in weeks. I saw you once, through a window. You were looking out, but you didn't see me, like you didn't see me the first day we met. You looked past me and into the world. You looked into your happy future and your life. You don't need me. You've forgotten already. I will never forget. Never. I love you.
Does that mean anything to you?
January 11, 2011