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No Other Way To Say "I Love You" (unfinished)
I was in the hall when Calvin came back. I cried out his name, and ran toward him, stopping dead in my tracks when I saw the defined lump in his pocket. I didn’t know what that meant, whether it was a threat or just a cell phone. I knew better than to get close to him, or to discover what lay in that small compartment in his jeans. He looked at me sadly, shaking his head and backing away.
“What are you doing here?” I whispered, leaning against a row of lockers for support. It was quiet, except for the faint noise of teachers speaking behind closed doors.
“You know why.” He answered shakily. His eyes darted from side to side unnaturally. “I love you Kristen.” He spoke a little louder. I hushed him, taking a step closer and regaining my composure.
“Calvin, I know, I know.” I said almost inaudibly. He started rolling his head from side to side. He was not the same. Calvin had overdosed, I could tell. He wasn’t my lover, not now. He was a danger. I had to get him out of here. “Why don’t we go home?” I whispered. “Just you and me. Then you’ll feel better.”
“Nothing can fix me! Not even you.” Calvin shouted. I put a finger to my lips to quiet him, but he either didn’t care or didn’t see. “I’ve done it all!” The teachers had stopped talking, obviously waiting for another authority to break up whatever was going on, not themselves. That tells you how much they care. “Rehab? No! Therapists? A waste of money! Anti-depressants?” The doors still hadn’t opened, bu I could imagine a teachers hand on the knob, waiting. I closed my eyes, praying that Calvin would be quiet, that he’d run away before they took him back to prison.
“Calvin, leave.” I said. “They are going to take you back.” I started rushing through the words. “Calvin, please. For me? Will you run away for me?”
The teachers were opening their doors slowly. “I love you Kristen.” Calvin’s face softened.
“Calvin, please?” Tears streamed down my face. Calvin ran over to me, reaching in his pocket and taking out the lump. Along with the drugs and cigarettes that fell to the floor, was a letter that looked like it had been smeared with tears, and folded repeatedly. He reached in his jacket pocket and pulled out a gun. “For you, Kristen.” Before I could react, the trigger was pulled. Everything went black.
I sat alone on the hospital floor, opening the letter Calvin had left me. I started to read:
I love you. You are my sun and moon. You are my every thought. When you broke up with me, you took the fragments of my heart and left me with none. I do not blame you for my depression or addictions. The reason I am leaving you is because I don’t ever want to weigh you down. I am stopping you from moving on, and that is my worst fear.
Every day when I wake up, the memories flood back. They are always accompanied not only by you, but by him. He is always there. I am not. My memories of you are tainted and faded, left hollow by his presence, a presence I cannot fill. He haunts me, Kristen, as I do haunt you. I don’t want you to feel the way I have.
I understand why you left me that night. Why you took his hand instead of mine. Why he was your first priority instead of me. I know that I scare you now, and I want you to know I scare myself too. The few sober moments are filled with images of you and him, and I can’t live with that. I know getting drunk and high isn’t the right solution. I am ashamed of that. But it brings back the happier times, when we made fun of people like me, when we would go watch meteor showers and see who could count the most stars in the sky. But those memories never last long enough, so I bring them back again and again until I’m wasted and unreachable in my fantasy land with you. I’m sorry I ended my own life, but we both know I was only beating the cancer to the chase. I’m sorry you had to see how it ended, how I made you watch me pull the trigger. I just wanted you to know, to understand what happened. I wanted you to witness my suicide in court and know exactly what I did so another poor man wouldn’t be blamed for my intentions. I know I put you in a bad position, but I would have my end no other way.
I will always love you, and put in a good word with God in heaven for you. Yes, Kristen, I was saved because of you.