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it's never going to end
Most people wait for the end of the day, they plead the clock to tick on. I beg for it to stop. The end of the day usually contains a goodbye hug, or a lingering butterfly or two. Not for me.
I sit in my 9th period and watch the clock; every second hits me with another sting of heart brake. I know what comes at the end of my day. The last bell rings and I head to the busses. I walk slowly…knowing, dreading, hating what’s bound to come.
The hall is full of people struggling to reach their next destination. I watch them, knowing they’re content with their day unlike me. I look to my feet they carry me to that Hell driven place in time. I want to surrender, I want to turn and run in the opposite direction. I can’t. I want to scream, rant, yell, cry. I can’t.
No matter what I do, it will come. The pain will fall over me once again and remind my heart why it is shattered. The loss will push my soul into a corner of nails where it can do nothing but take it. I feel it coming.
I look out to the buss lot. Groups of people stand in my way of reaching it. I pickup my pace trying to push through without seeing it happen, without my heart being reminded, without my soul braking. I can’t do it again, I can’t feel it again, the hurt is too much. I struggle through the crowd begging to not hurt again. Finally I can see the end of it all. The people begin to get less dense. I feel relief fly over me. “Today I will not brake, I will be-“
There it is. The reality hits me like a train going full speed. I lost my breath and I shut my eyes, rejecting the visual. I feel like dropping to the ground and crying right here. I feel like letting it all go, letting everyone see, letting everyone hear my scream. I don’t though. I bite my quivering lip till I taste blood. Today I broke. I watched my heart recall it’s broken pieces, my soul grasp at its body in fear of its corner. I had almost escaped. I almost got through the day without feeling it. Almost. I feel myself shrink, my legs shake, and my thoughts stumble. Not again.
My eyes open just in time to latch my eyes to his. Time froze something we used to cherish hangs in the air. That’s when I die. I go through this each day. I will dread, I will break, and…I will die.
Time unfroze when she turns around. She glances at my expression and lets a satisfied smile creep across her face. She loves it. She loves my unhappiness, my tears, my screams, and my misery. She turns back to him and gives another kiss as if she is stepping on a spider and it will only die after her second attempt of squishing it. The second squish sends me to Hell.
He looks at me once more before letting pity and regret reflect through his eyes. By then I’m gone. I run away from it all. Tears fill my eyes. Once they drip down my cheek they fling back as if my speed slapped them dead in the face.
My cheeks feel like fire, my backpack hits me with every stride- I don’t care. I pass by my bus and head for the forest trail. I trip over obstacles the path offers and let branches swipe across my face. I run for a mile, I can feel the air moving through my lungs. My side is affected by a cramp but I keep going. The cramp doesn’t match my mental pain.
I follow the path till I reach my street. I still run. I don’t stop till I step into my homes air-conditioned walls. I reach my room and shut the door. No one is home. I shake my backpack off violently. Collapsing on my bed, I feel the weakness of my body set in. I lay there for ten minutes sobbing. It hurts, but it doesn’t hurt enough. I gather energy to turn on a sad song. The music raps around me and encourages the tears to fall even harder. I sit up, realizing how uncomfortable and hot my clothes are. I continue to cry but walk to the mirror and begin to undress. Looking at my face, it becomes apparent that I look like crap. I peel off my undershirt separating my sticky skin from the cloth. The cool air soothes my bare skin. Another tear falls down my cheek, and another, and another. Now I scream, I drop to my knees, I rant to my reflection. Watching my pathetic reflection cry, I begin to feel anger bubble up inside me. I shiver at what I’m about to do. I suddenly reach for my teddy bear and clutch his small body. I think back to when he gave me the bear…
Memories begin to flash, all my past repeats in the back of my eyes. When my past reaches my present I look back to the bear. His black bead eyes look innocent and sorry. I begin to shake rapidly due to the pressure my hands are applying on the bear. Finally all of it is too much. The song plays louder, the lyrics echoing in my consciousness. The tears come down like Niagara Falls, my head spins, my hearts skips, my breathing intensifies until I swing my arm forward and throw the bear at my weeping reflection. The second my hands release the bear I feel the top of my emotions bottle pop off. I watch the bear bounce off the mirror and fall to my hardwood floor. My hands shape into fists and I go to punch the floor. My hair whips my face as I fiercely head back down for another punch. I punch it over and over until my knuckles bleed. The punches slow to a stop. I hold my hands in front of me and stare at the blood run down my hands. It still does not match the mental pain. My body shakes again, this time more in fear of itself. I roll myself into a ball and rock back and forth.
I cry another hour before whispering to my empty room, “It’s never going to end is it?”