In my controll | Teen Ink

In my controll

August 14, 2010
By Dr@maGeek SILVER, Mckinny, Texas
Dr@maGeek SILVER, Mckinny, Texas
7 articles 0 photos 16 comments

My eyes stung with the tears that I forcefully kept in. I like to pretend that Im strong. It gives me the little bit of insanity I need to survive.
I knew I could be happy if I tryed but thats just it, I dont want to be happy. Im guilty and vulnerable that way.
"Crap" I said frusterated with my own stuipid self as the first tear excaped, warmly sliding down my sore face. The sad thing is that im never suprised by my emotions, I know that ill be weak, be strong, make them all laugh. Its all denial. I like it that way. It hurts more when its self inflicted. Causing myself pain just like how I do whenever I take that knife and slice open the skin on my forarm, watching with secret joy as I see the blood and know the regret.

Ive been hiding here for a half hour now. Nobody ever goes after me, that horrifys me. This is all just making me cry more. I look over at the mirror and without thought, hit my fist agaisnt it with all my mite. I scream and cry. It hurts badly and im not brave about it.
I panic and feel my heart beat with my bloody hand ,its going insaine. I felt free for a moment and It confused me. I glanced down with suprise glued to my face. My hand flew away. A shard of glass that stuck out of my hand before is now barly showing from my cheast.
I stabbed myself! I was going to die. Die alone. No no please I dont want it! "Help!" "Please god not now" I yelled in a raspy voice I didnt reconise. The door flung open and there was a teacher standing there, a whole class behind her. "Oh my god' she screamed and ran to phone and dialed nine one one. Soon the fire alarm went off and huge crowds ran by, their faces stared horrified as they reconise me and see blood. "No No please not now!" I begged god. Then nothing. Did i pass out or am I dead? Maybe Ill never know.

The author's comments:
I wrote this when I felt confused, lost and hopless. I just hope sombody will like it enough to comment or else it will beacome like all my other failed writting.

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