This Is Your Mind... | TeenInk

This Is Your Mind...

December 30, 2010
By bahannahpeel PLATINUM, Bloomington, Illinois
bahannahpeel PLATINUM, Bloomington, Illinois
27 articles 0 photos 73 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Schools corrupt the mind." The Loco Focos


Long, dark corridors surround me and I am trapped. How am I going to get out of this place?

I run, my tennis shoes make loud echoes on the tile floor, sending reverberations up and down the walls. I open a door. A screen fills the far wall, a video of me when I was five, riding on a John Deer tricycle project onto it. Freaked out, I close the door and cross the hallway to another one. Another screen. This time, me when I was eight at the fourth of July fireworks, my favorite backpack in between my shoulder blades. I slam the door and go to another room, the same only with another forgotten memory of me.

A figure steps out of one of the thousands of doors, cloaked in black and hissing at me. Heart racing, I throw myself into one of the rooms and shut the door behind me. In this one, I’m just a baby, giggling and gurgling at my father. Mesmerized, I forget why I came in here until a scratching sound starts coming from the outside of the door. I jump, and run closer to the screen, farther from the door.

It flies open, the dark creature making a horrible sound, ripping the terrified shriek from my lips. It moves in short, jerky spurts that scare me more than the noise. This alien thing is familiar. I don’t remember why. Its long, gnarled finger isolates itself from the hand, and it curls it towards itself, gesturing for me to come forward. To follow.

Should I? All it could possibly do is make my death quicker if I go to it. So I do. Maybe if I obey, it will be merciful. It laughs a raspy, creepy laugh and turns into the hallway. A crusty hand grabs my own and leads me forward into another, darker room. On the screen is a scene of a dark night, no stars or moon to shed any light. I show up, eleven years old and running my heart out. The creature follows.

The creature is a monster from a forgotten nightmare. What is this place?




It speaks.
“This is your mind…” it says menacingly. “The long, dark corridors of forgotten things… still here… waiting for you to find them… and now you have.” It rasps. Shivers fall in waves down my spine.

I run for the door, swing it open, and bolt down the passage, nothing but more rooms come in to view.

My childhood memories. All that I have forgotten, here, rusting and collecting dust and cobwebs inside my mind. Now there’s no escaping.


The author's comments:
I was thinking about psychology for some reason at the time, and I began to wonder if all of my memories were still in my brain... Could I retrieve them if I really tried?

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This article has 2 comments.


on Jan. 8 2011 at 9:29 am
bahannahpeel PLATINUM, Bloomington, Illinois
27 articles 0 photos 73 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Schools corrupt the mind." The Loco Focos

I appreciate the feedback. The narrator first of all, is a girl, though I didn't specify in the piece. She is freaked out because why the heck are there videos of her on the screen? Who took them? was she being stalked?

I realize that it doesn't flow quite as smoothly as I would have liked, but this was just a fun piece, more for the idea than the writing.

As for the ‘room with the doors’ you mentioned, that is the corridor she’s been running down all along. I figured that restating it would be unnecessary.

And, the ‘I jump and run closer to the screen, farther from the door. It flies open’ I assumed since I had literally just said door, it would make sense, since the door was closed and she couldn’t see the monster.

I really appreciate the feedback! Thanks for the critiques. Oh, and I put it under ‘science fiction’ not ‘historical fiction’ so I have no idea how it ended up under ‘historical fiction’.


amaranth178 said...
on Jan. 7 2011 at 9:16 am
amaranth178, Washington, District Of Columbia
0 articles 0 photos 118 comments

I think that you have a great idea, but some of your diction could be revised to better communicate your story.

First: the section where the narrator is running through the halls of his mind and finds the first video (sees himself when he's five years old). Honestly, I don't see anything particularly scary about riding a tricycle. Why is he 'freaked out?' Did something traumatic occur a few minutes later? Why is the narrator frightened by that image?

Second: there is the phrase "favorite backpack in between my shoulder blades." I understood what you meant, but in order to make your piece as smooth as possible, I think it would be wise to change a couple of words.

Third: the scene with the doors. It would have helped if you noted the fact that the narrator had left the halls or found himself in a large room, whatever shape, with what seemed like thousands of doors, some of which he could not even reach or something, you know? Unless the corridors were lined with thousands of doors... Either way, a little more detailing with the scenery could have helped.

Fourth: there is a bit of confusion between "I jump and run closer to the screen, farther from the door" and "It flies open, the dark creature...." I think you meant that the door flew open and the creature jumped out, but the way the you phrased it, the monster could be flying open o.0 So.

Again, the concept is good. You were consistent with your verb tenses and I did not see any noticeable spelling or grammatical errors. I especially liked the fact that the narrator was running through the halls of his mind with tennis shoes. That was an interesting detail.

I guess this is sort of historical fiction.

Well, keep writing!