Mission of My Life

February 21, 2018

I stared at the pale, feminine body in the mirror pointing out all of the mistakes that were made. Asking questions that were impossible to answer. “Why was I born this way?” I thought aloud. Other than being born in a female body my appearance was nearly perfect. Dark brown hair which I kept in an undercut and blazing blue eyes that stared back at me. I was about 5”4 and weighed 110 a little under average for a fifteen-year-old. Suddenly my older brother, by a year, Brandon burst in.
    “Oh, hey,” he exclaimed with embarrassment. He looked over at my tear filled eyes, instantly his faced melted into sympathy. “Hey, Jackson. What’s wrong?” he questioned softly. I looked down at the floor and then off behind him. Outside the door, my identical twin sister Jayla and younger brother Malakai had gathered to see what was going on. Brandon quickly closed the door and repeated himself.
   “Nothing, I’m fine,” I whispered as I squeezed past him towards the door. I felt his hand grab my arm and pull me to the stool.
   “Something’s wrong. Is it someone at school?” he questioned in a more serious tone. His blue eyes glared into mine as if they were looking for a sign. His brown, almost black hair falling into his face.
   “Why was I born this way?” I questioned him as a tear fell. “I wasn’t meant to be a girl I was meant to be a boy.” I stared back at him knowing there wasn’t a true answer for my dysphoria.
   “I don’t know man. But what I do know is that you and I gotta stick together. I mean you and Randel are the only ones who know I am gay. But it gets out.” Before I could respond my sister came marching in determined to find an answer to why I was upset.
   “What’s wrong Jack-Jack?” she questioned as she pulled herself up onto the bathroom counter. I glared at her trying to send her the vibe that she wasn’t wanted.
   “I told you not to call me that.” I snapped before rushing to the room Brandon and I shared. Jayla tried to follow but Brandon was faster and was right behind me in a second. When I got to my room I slammed the door in Brandon's face before falling face first into my bed. Brandon slowly came into the room closing the door behind him. He sat next to me letting me know he was there for me. I cried and felt bad for myself for about an hour before Randel, Brandon’s secret boyfriend, called. Randel was nice he had blonde hair and green eyes that looked like a pasture. After Brandon told him what was going on we decided to meet at the park and hang for awhile. I gathered my things and put on my forest green hat I have worn for as long as I can remember.
  “Bye Mom” I yelled out behind me. “Brandon and I are going to the park with Randel” Malakai who just turned six came running up to the door with all his park toys. “Sorry, bud it’s only for us,” I told him as I looked into his black eyes. We had recently gone through with the adoption for him and it was a really big part of our lives. “Tomorrow, I promise” I shouted as I closed the door. I ran to catch up with Brandon who was halfway to the park already. Randel was already there by the time we got there but Brandon still half-jogged to greet him and kiss him on the cheek. After that Randel came and gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. I shrugged and looked over at Brandon who had Randel’s phone in his hand.
  “Hey. Umm… Babe who is this Stephanie girl. She says she loves you too. And she can’t wait for your date tonight. Randel, what is she talking about?” Brandon questioned getting more panicked as he went along. Randel snatched the phone and shoved it in his sweatshirt pocket.
  “Brandon I have something to tell you.” He stared into Brandon’s blue eyes. “I am bi. I have an interest in girls too. And I met this girl and I am really sorry but I am breaking up with you.” Randel sped through his words faster than an auctioneer. I looked over at Brandon. He broke down. I yelled at Randel to leave before running after Brandon who had broken into a sprint back home.
  “Brandon wait please,” I shouted after him. He slowed down and stopped before crashing to his knees crying. “Brandon are you okay?” I asked him. He fell into me and I accepted it. After about fifteen minutes we went home to the comfort of our room. “Brandon, Are you gonna be alright” I bluntly asked. He nodded as my mom called up for dinner. Brandon and I got cleaned up before meeting the rest of the family at the dinner table.
  “So how was your day guys?” my mom questioned beginning the routine. My dad shoveled food into his mouth and Malakai watched and copied.
  “Fine” Brandon sighed. My mom looked at him and gave him the death glare.
  “That has an attitude in it, Brandon. Do you want to give it another try?”
  “Alright fine. Randel broke up with me hear that? What do you want for me to skip over rainbows?” He exclaimed.
  “So you are gay?” Our dad looked at him. As I looked over at Brandon I saw a tear stream down his face. He jumped up and ran off towards our room. I looked around the table before following. Brandon was crying into his pillow.
  “You alright?” He looked up in response to my voice.
  “No I just came out to the whole family” he stumbled between tears. I hugged him as tight as I possibly could but he pushed me away. I left towards Jayla’s room to talk to her.
  “Hey, J-J what are you up to?” I asked as I entered her room. She looked at me but continued with her business.
  “What’s it to you?” She snapped back. “All we ever hear about is how your testosterone is working and how great Brandon is at acting and making sure Malakai is okay cause he is adopted. What about me? God, it’s no wonder I had to pretend to be okay with you being trans.” She ranted. She stopped in her tracks and looked at me. “No, wait, Jackson, that’s not what I meant.” But she had said too much I ran back to my room and slammed the door waking Brandon up.
  “What’s wrong?” He rushed over to me.
“Jay doesn’t truly accept me she said so, she let it slip, my own twin doesn’t even love me.” I cried into his shoulder.
  “You know what that means?” He asked. “It means you have to stop holding back your strength.” He smiled. After that, things started to get better.  My family began to accept our life choices. It was a mission of life or death. Victory or defeat. I chose to win. Without the help of Brandon, I wouldn’t have taken this mission. My mission will never end. Nor do I want it to. I discovered who really cared for me. My mission is the mission of a lifetime. My mission was discovering who I am.






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