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It had been over a year since I had lost her. Just one year, yet I remember it like yesterday. Some days I thought it was yesterday. I couldn’t get past it.
We’re driving together; she’s belting lyrics to her favorite song that’s on the radio. “You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be; and I don’t want to go home right now. And all I can taste is this moment, and all I can breathe is your love. And sooner or later it’s over; I just don’t want to miss you tonight. And I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think that they’d understand. When everything’s meant to be broken; I just want you to know who I am.” I’m just sitting in the drivers seat laughing. I had told her before that I don’t sing, that I can’t sing. She denied it and told me I could. I still never sang, not unless I was around her and only her.
“And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming. Or the moment of truth in your lies. When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive.” She sang. I was laughing at her. She was really a fantastic singer, she wasn’t trying right now so she sounded horrible, but I still couldn’t stop listening and laughing. I was so in love with her.
“RED RED RED!” She screamed. Why was she screaming? I looked to her and back to the road. I looked back too late, though. I was running through a red light and a trailer truck was heading top speed at us, or even more specific, at her. “Louis!” She screamed looking from the truck to me. Everything started going in slow motion. Her hair is flying around her face because she turns quickly to look at me. Her blue eyes are dilating, and her breathing is quickening.
“Samantha!” I managed to say softly. I slammed my foot on the gas and managed to speed up enough to save some damage but not enough. I watched as she flew backwards into the seat from the speed and then leaned to me from the collision of the truck and her side of the car.
“Louis!” She gasped. That’s the last thing I remember her saying before her eyes closing and me blacking out. I woke up in the emergency room. I had a bandage on my arm from some glass that cut me, other than that I was fine. I got up from the bed and started searching for Samantha. I immediately regretted leaving the room.
There, on a bed, in the halls, was my Sammy. She was completely soaked in blood. Where were the doctors?! Why was nothing being done about this?!
“Samantha!!! Sammy!!!” I screamed. A doctor ran out of the room next door.
“Mr. Tomlinson! What are you doing out of bed? You need to get back in bed!” She said trying to pull me away from Samantha’s body.
“Samantha! Why is no one helping her! She shouldn’t be seen like this! She needs help! Help Sammy! Samantha!” I screamed. The nurse was still pulling me. People were starting to stare and doctors were hurrying to me trying to calm me down. One had a needle and was going to try and inject me with it to tranquilize me. I was moving around too much though. I wasn’t going to let them stop me from helping her.
“Mr. Tomlinson! You need to get back to bed!”
“And you need to help her! Why is no one helping her?!” I was begging for an answer. I started being pulled away and back to my room. I held on to her, the bed she was on was a rolling bed so she came with me. She got stuck in the door, though.
“Mr. Tomlinson, let go of her. You need to let her go.” A Doctor said.
“I can’t let her go! I need to be with her. She needs to live!” I cried.
“Sammy! Sammy I’m so sorry! This is my fault! Samantha!” I cried.
“Let her go, we’re going to do our best on her.” A nurse said.
“She needs better than you’re best, she’s an angel! She honestly came down from heaven to me, God sent her for me! I’m the one who should be in that bed!” I sobbed.
“Mr. Tomlinson, we’ll do better than our best! I swear. I personally will make sure my team works as if we’re working on God himself! I promise you’ll see her again before you leave.” The nurse said.
“Promise?” I said looking up at her. She was blurry from the tears in my eyes.
“Promise.” She stuck out her pinky finger for me. I know it was childish, but it made me feel so much better. I locked my pinky with hers and slowly let go of Samantha’s bed. I gave Sam a small kiss on her lips. I wished this were like a fairytale where she would awake with true love’s kiss; no such luck in this world. I lay in my bed as the nurse wheeled Samantha away.
“She’s going to be okay. She’s going to be okay. She’s going to be fine!” I tried to convince myself. “God? I know I haven’t talked to you in a while, but please, for Samantha? She needs a miracle. Please, let her come through. Your daughter needs you. Please. I love her so much. Uh, I guess that’s it. Amen?” I prayed. I hadn’t prayed since the day I met her.
“Go talk to her man!” Harry said.
“I can’t, she wouldn’t want to go out with a dork like me.” I said, still watching her with wanting eyes.
“Lou, if you don’t, I’ll ask her out for me!” Harry threatened. “I know you don’t want that.” It was true, Harry is a ladies man; but he has a good shag and then he’s done. He leaves the girl without a second thought.
“I can’t.” I said in a deflated tone.
“That’s too bad, man.” Harry said while getting up and giving me a pat on the back. He had his usual horny smirk on. I stayed where I was watching him go up to her. I would’ve left, but before I could, he pointed to me. He gave me a cocky grin and waved as she looked over at me. They looked back at each other and Harry nodded before breaking into a light jog to me.
“What are you playing at Styles?” I asked, thoroughly confused.
“She’s waiting for you. Go say hi.” He smiled.
“Wait, what?” I asked. “What did you tell her?”
“I told her my friend was a football player and was shy but had a huge crush on her.”
“Harry!” I said angrily.
“Yeah, yeah, you can thank me later!” He snickered and gave me a push towards her. She had her eyes on me so I couldn’t escape. She pulled her brown hair into a messy bun.
“Hi.” I said nervously when I got over to her, stuffing my fists into my jean pockets.
“Hey.” She said and gave me a kind smile. I had seen her smile a thousand times, but it was never meant for me. Every time I saw it made me melt, having her mean the smile for me was a bonus.
“Sorry about my friend.” I said, not really knowing what to say.
“It’s fine, my friends do the same thing all the time! But it just show’s they care.” She said in her beautiful American accent. I smiled.
“Yeah. He’s a cool guy.”
“Yeah.” She said. She was looking up at me so she looked back down to her book. I cleared my throat.
“Would you maybe want to go out sometime?” I started shifting back and forth between the balls of my feet and my heels and back again. She looked up; it looked like she halfway couldn’t believe it, and halfway hopeful.
“Really.” I said.
“Yeah! Yeah I’d love to!” She said with a giggle.
“Really?” It was my turn to be surprised. She bit her lip.
“Really.” She said, biting back a smile.
“Cool, um, we could get some ice cream or go to a movie.” I was rambling.
“Ice cream sounds good, then maybe we could play some Fifa later.” I was shocked.
“You play Fifa?!”
“Well, when you have three older brothers, you learn how to kick a** in video games!”
“That sounds like a challenge…” I chuckled.
“Maybe it is.” She said cheekily.
“Well then, challenge accepted!” I smirked.
It had been over 3 hours. The nurse hadn’t been back yet. Every time an hour passed, I grew less confident of her survival.
“Hey man, you okay?” I heard someone speak in my doorway. I turned and saw Harry.
“No. She’s not going to make it. I know it.”
“Have faith, bro.”
“I tried. I tried having fait 4 full hours ago. It’s gone now.”
“You never know, it could be a miracle in disguise.” Harry said, trying with all his might, and failing, to make me feel better. Someone else cleared his or her throat behind Harry. He quickly got out of the way and sat on the chair next to my bed. It was the nurse again.
“Is she okay?” I asked anxiously.
“She’s…. resting.” The nurse said.
“Did she make it through? Is she going to live?” I asked. The nurse just shook her head.
“She’s in a permanent coma.”
“But she’s technically still alive!” I said. I was trying to keep the faith.
“Well, technically, but she’s never going to wake up.”
“But she’s still alive.” I said. I was going to hold on to that no matter what.
“Mr. Tomlinson, I should tell you now, if a coma patient doesn’t wake up in 12 weeks, we’re obliged to take her off of life support.”
“What?! No! We’re supposed to grow old together! We’re supposed get married, and have kids, and live on the country side with a dog and cat.”
“I’m sorry Mr. Tomlinson. But on a good note, you can go home now.” She said. “I’m sorry.” She left the room.
“Is she serious? She’s going to put you going home on a good note at a time like this?!” Harry spat.
“What am I supposed to do, Harry?”
“You’re going to put some close on, check out of this lovely resort and then sign in to visit her!” Harry said in a booming voice. I nodded and quickly changed into a pair of clothes that Harry intelligently brought with him in a bag. We walked to the front desk and when I finished signing out I politely brought up that I’d like to go see Sam.
“Oh. I’m so sorry Mr. Tomlinson; but only Family can see coma patients. As you are not married I’m afraid you may not go see her.” The receptionist said.
“Excuse me?” I was so confused and shot down.
“Well, were you engaged?”
“No; well, I had the ring, I was waiting for the right time.” I said and pulled it out of a pocket from my dirty, bloody, jeans from the accident.
“Well, I’m afraid you waited too long. You see, only family and fiancés may see patients in her condition.”
“No. No! I have to get to her!” I said about to cry again.
“I’m sorry, there’s no possibility.”
“C’mon mate, let’s go.” Harry said and held me tight to him and pulled me away from the counter and to the doors. I tried to get away but Harry was too strong. I managed to turn to face the receptionist and a security guard. The nurse from earlier was walking by and stopped when she saw me being pulled out by Harry.
“You promised! You promised me I’d see her again! You lied! LIAR!” I sobbed.
We took Harry’s car since mine was totaled. Samantha had gone through the windshield, the truck put a major dent in my car and one of the doors could not open. When we got back to my flat, all of Samantha’s things were lying around. I couldn’t deal with it. Harry saw this and we quickly got back in his car. Before Samantha came into my life, Harry and I had been sharing a flat. It was just like old times.
Two whole months went by in the blink of an eye and I hadn’t been back to the apartment. Harry had gone back to get all of my clothes for me because it would have been too much. He also snatched up a picture of the three of us at a park when Sam and I had just started dating. He tried to hide and kept it because he knew how much it meant to all of us, but I saw it one day in the bottom of a drawer in the bathroom. Seeing her smiling face brought so many good memories and tears flood over.
Sam’s family had made a visit to London to see her in the hospital. I had met her family once before, they were a really nice American family. I could tell how much she meant to the whole family, especially when her younger brother threatened to beat me up if I broke her heart. I couldn’t bring myself to face them on the visit. I left the key to our apartment under the mat so that they could take care of her stuff. They invited me to visit her in the hospital over a phone call once but I kindly declined and explained that I wasn’t allowed. They understood and didn’t call again.
Harry had a new lady friend, and this time she stuck longer than a night. I think he felt bad about just a girl for a night and then move on. I think he saw how it hurt me. The flat was getting kind of crowded so I offered to move back into my flat since Sam’s stuff was gone and her parents and brother went back to America. He didn’t want to accept right away in fear that he would seem rude and heartless. But, after his girlfriend came over more and more, I took it upon myself to leave. The day I moved in, I found something her parents left behind. A teddy bear. This was the bear I gave her on our third date when we went to the fair. I won it for her. The teddy bear was sitting on top of a letter; it read:
I am completely in love with you. I want you to know that I am taking a month to go home to see my family, but will be back very soon. I so want you to come, but we don’t have the money for even me to go, my parents are paying for me.
Also, I am telling you now, that day when Harry came over to me, I didn’t give two s**** about him, I only cared about the boy he was sitting with all day. I had seen you just like you had seen me and I wanted to talk to you so badly. I was way too shy, I am now admitting that I tried did the reading, messing with my hair, smiling at everyone, to see if you would notice or come over to me. I guess it worked.
I honestly don’t know why I decided to write this to you, I’m just so mesmerized at how beautiful you are that I can’t remember why I started. Oh, that’s right! I’ve written this letter before but quickly threw it away when I finished. I wanted to tell you that I am pregnant. I am pregnant with your daughter. The reason I’ve been sick lately is because of her. I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve taken liberty of naming her Emily. I hope you don’t mind. I feel like a fool for not telling you out front that I was pregnant, but just didn’t know how you would react. That’s also why I am visiting my parents. They’ve always been big on the whole “no sex till marriage” thing. I thought it would be good to tell them in person or else I would probably be disowned and you would probably be killed.
I can’t wait to see you in a month and start taking belly pictures with you. Our family is already starting to grow. Our family is strange but I’m sure Em will love it.
I love you with my soul and spirit and heart,
I dropped the letter. How could this be? She was pregnant?! So I managed to kill my girlfriend and my daughter at once? My heart was beating had and I could feel tears coming again. I had been crying almost everyday since the accident. I grabbed my keys and drove to the hospital. The receptionist recognized me right away and tried to stop me but her parents had already told me what room and floor to go to in case I changed my mind. I started heading to the room but when I opened the door, no one was there.
“Mr. Tomlinson?” It was the nurse who lied to me.
“Where is she?” I asked weakly, I didn’t think she heard me but she answered to my surprise.
“She’s gone. For good. I’m sorry, we found out she was feeding for two and she was getting weaker and weaker. Her parents saw this and signed the papers. She left yesterday. I was sure someone told you.” I just looked at the bed. “Her parents left this for you though.” I turned and saw a necklace. It was a locket with a picture of us kissing inside. I took it and wrapped it around my hand before leaving. I got back in my car and started to drive. At first I didn’t know where, but I soon realized I was going to the overlook where I had planned to take her to propose. It was a cliff. When I got there I parked and jumped the safety fence to keep people away from the danger zone. I looked down at the fall. I killed our family before it began. I wanted to be with my family.
Without a second thought I jumped. On my way down the locket around my hand flapped around with me, the picture open to be seen. On my way down I thought about everything. Harry, my sisters, my Mum and Dad, Samantha’s parents, her brother, Harry’s girlfriend, Emily. How Emily will never have her first day of school, how she will never go to High School, how I will never help her through her first heartbreak or give her away. She will never graduate from any school; I will never teacher her how to drive or point a gun. I thought of Samantha, how we will never get married, or how she will never see her family. I thought of how she told me to always live through the tough. I thought of how she told me to go sing. Suddenly I was thinking of singing. I could’ve had a career, made good money, Sammy would’ve wanted me to live and love again. I suddenly realized everything I could’ve done. I realized that what I wanted in life and that