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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1989 comments.

spud.the.penguin said...
on Nov. 20 2010 at 5:30 am
spud.the.penguin, Watford, Other
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
Class, you have homework.

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I love the twilight saga however, the morganvile vampire trilogy is much better. I'm not saying anything bad about twilight it's one of the best books I've read.
DyingToSurvive BRONZE said...
on Nov. 19 2010 at 7:10 pm
DyingToSurvive BRONZE, Pomona, California
1 article 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
I just swayzed that mother

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I read these books in the sixth grade in about a month and a half, in the seventh grade i realized that they were stupid. you have written something that i could show to twilight fangirs and say 'suck it' and i thank you.

jacob: (with intensity) I'm in love with your chld {awkward pause] to funny

girlsknowhowtoparty SILVER said...
on Nov. 18 2010 at 9:22 pm
girlsknowhowtoparty SILVER, Loveland, Ohio
5 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
If life gives you lemons - throw them back and demand tacos!!!! O-O

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hwsrgwejgtesgtbhjabghewv byhgseV ghevg
TristeLuvz2Write SILVER said...
on Nov. 18 2010 at 6:19 am
TristeLuvz2Write SILVER, Groton, New York
7 articles 3 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life&#039;s Not about waiting for the storm to pass. It&#039;s about learning to dance in the rain.<br /> &quot;Maybe I should call Bella and hang up!&quot; --Quil Ateara, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

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lol i think this is the best thing ive read in along time. :) i would really love it if anyone looked at my work and critiquted it :) but this was amazing
Silvertext BRONZE said...
on Nov. 17 2010 at 9:48 pm
Silvertext BRONZE, West Lafayette, Indiana
3 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Imagination has rules, but we can only guess what they are.&quot; ~Mason Cooley

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lol! it's about time somebody did this! Great!

~Silvertext

Sushi3195 GOLD said...
on Nov. 17 2010 at 7:12 pm
Sushi3195 GOLD, Solon, Ohio
13 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;We are who we are. She is she. He is he. you are you. I am I. But when he and she come together or you and i come together... we are no longer taking on the world by ourselves... but with each other.&quot;- Kyle King<br /> <br /> &quot;think of the trees around us, some

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that was awesome :)
jaani-androphile BRONZE said...
on Nov. 16 2010 at 5:27 pm
jaani-androphile BRONZE, San Diego, California
3 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
oompa loompa doopity doo jeffrey&#039;s stirring up some chocolate for you- macabre

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Hahaha thank you for showing all of us how dumb Twilight is :) I can predict the whole book just by reading the blurb. I love this xD
XiaGaiana BRONZE said...
on Nov. 16 2010 at 12:59 pm
XiaGaiana BRONZE, New Orleans, Louisiana
4 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
Anything is possible if you believe...<br /> He who fails to plan, plans to fail.<br /> All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.

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Nice one!!!! I love the saga and this is friggin GOLDEN! My EGGO is PREGGO...soungs like Juno got thrown in the mix too :)
MeanPeopleDead SILVER said...
on Nov. 16 2010 at 9:51 am
MeanPeopleDead SILVER, Rouseville, Pennsylvania
7 articles 0 photos 19 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;i yam what i yam and that&#039;s all that i yam&quot; -popeye, the sailor man<br /> &quot;it&#039;s better to burn out then to fade away&quot; -kurt cobain

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AHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAAHAAAAAA.
Araya3895 said...
on Nov. 14 2010 at 10:37 pm
Must. Make. MOOOOOOOOOVIIIIIE!!!!!! That made me happy. Well done :)
HarryPotter said...
on Nov. 14 2010 at 9:16 pm
That was perfect! It really does sum up everything and show you the stupidity of Twilight. Thank you!
theonewhosalwaysthere said...
on Nov. 14 2010 at 7:03 pm
theonewhosalwaysthere, Sterling, Massachusetts
0 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
People who have no weaknesses are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them. <br /> Anatole France

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Graet Job!!!!! LOLZ so funny... you really did sum it up though!
fairbrat BRONZE said...
on Nov. 14 2010 at 6:43 pm
fairbrat BRONZE, Sacramento, California
3 articles 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
Better to ask forgivness than permission

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that is very funny! great job!
TasteDaSkittles BRONZE said...
on Nov. 14 2010 at 5:03 pm
TasteDaSkittles BRONZE, Bayfield, Colorado
3 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;dream on&quot;

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lol very funny great job
WinterFairy PLATINUM said...
on Nov. 14 2010 at 4:33 pm
WinterFairy PLATINUM, Chicago, Illinois
45 articles 15 photos 111 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Don&#039;t dream it. Be it.&quot;<br /> &quot;Singing is praying twice, and dancing is singing with the body.&quot;<br /> &quot;Paper is more patient than man.&quot;<br /> &quot;Where you live shouldn&#039;t determine whether you live&quot;

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rotflmfao!!!!! lol!!!!!! so hilarious! keep it up :)
alwayssunshine PLATINUM said...
on Nov. 14 2010 at 2:11 pm
alwayssunshine PLATINUM, Charlotte, North Carolina
24 articles 5 photos 147 comments
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This is so funny! I was picturing the whole thing happening and trying not to burst out laughing!!
Berta BRONZE said...
on Nov. 14 2010 at 1:55 pm
Berta BRONZE, Somewhere, Massachusetts
3 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;In riding a horse, we borrow freedom.&quot;<br /> Helen Thompson

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So funny!  I love it!  Keep writing.
hancampbell GOLD said...
on Nov. 14 2010 at 1:46 pm
hancampbell GOLD, Woodside, California
19 articles 0 photos 36 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;You may say I&#039;m a dreamer, but I&#039;m not the only one. I hope someday you will join us, and the world will live as one.&quot; &lt;3<br /> <br /> &quot;Not all who wander are lost&quot;

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favorite part:

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause].

 

hahahha. nice job!

elisabethphoenix GOLD said...
on Nov. 14 2010 at 1:28 pm
elisabethphoenix GOLD, Louisville, Kentucky
18 articles 0 photos 21 comments

Favorite Quote:
proverbs 31:30 :D

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You. Are. My. Hero.

thank you :)

Mert said...
on Nov. 14 2010 at 11:02 am
That was so cool girl keep up the great work girl.Girl power