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Quibbler Article: Lover's Lurgy
Rumours have been flying in the grips of owls, and through the wind of words, about a man named Elphius Gribbon. Gribbon, 53, is a wizard who lives in Tinworth, West Country, on the tall hill overlooking the village.
"Elphius has alway been a queer bloke, I says." Gribbon's neighbor told the Quibbler. "Always tending his horklumps in the front yard. Singing to them. I tried to offer him a cuppa once. Elph declined it and said he was content drinking his donkey's trough water."
While Gribbon's behaviour is questionable, he's never gone far enough to land himself in St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. His erratic tendencies have mostly been kept within the grounds of his own property. However, recently his range has broadened. A Tinworth insider (Gribbon's own wife), claims that he has fallen in love with the famous Whomping Willow in Privency Park, Portree, Scotland.
The Quibbler (TQ): So, Mr Gribbon, you've received a lot of press about your association with the infamous Whomping Willow in Privency Park. Do you have a say on this matter?
Elphius Gibbon (EG): I must say, I’m surprised that the new travelled so fast. I’m rather flustered at all the attention. I mean, if I could have one wish, it’d be that Delilah would accept me…
It turns out that Delilah is the name that he gave the object of his affections. Might I remind the readers of the Quibbler that a Whomping Willow is a very dangerous tree that should have a Ministry Classification of XXXXX because of its violence? It’s a miracle that Gribbon has remained unharmed by his romantic pursuits. Villagers have claimed to have spotted him serenading the tree, as well as throwing a love potion at it and somehow placing a box of Honeydukes Best Chocolate at the base of its trunk.
It turns out, that the Willow is not the victim of a love potion, but it is Mr Gribbon himself! Through thorough archival research, it was discovered that Elphias Gribbon is a known potion experimenter. Various attempts at love potions are the majority of his history with the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes at the Ministry of Magic.
“He melted his house one time.” a Ministry insider said. “We couldn’t salvage anything, as everything was acid or burnt to a crisp.”
Though mentioned before that Mr. Gribbon had been able to avoid St. Mungo’s for his psychological conditions, the hospital received several visits from the eccentric Mr. Gribbon on many different occasions for other services. The most recent having been removing an extra pair of frog legs which had grown on his head overnight after drinking a potion ‘to cure the heebie-jeebies’. At the time, his wife explained that he was creating a love potion that would be stronger than the famed (and feared) Amortentia. It was effective. However, instead of falling in love with the person who poured them the potion (his wife), he fell in love with the first thing he saw. It just so happened that he saw the Whomping Willow in Privency Park.
“I could have mixed. an antidote,” Gribbon’s wife said later, “but it was really amusing to watch him run around, trying to please a tree. Also, we got so much attention. See, look, he’s doing it again!”
I spent the rest of the day with Mrs Gribbon, watching the lovesick wizard try to offer the tree a bouquet of horklumps. It is best to remember that potion experimenting is an extremely dangerous hobby, and must follow Ministry guidelines. It is best to do it under the careful eye of an experienced potioneer, as well as extensively research beforehand. A prime example of a concoction gone corrupt is Gribbon's own case with the love poison, and it's advised that you test it on a toad and not yourself, or you'd better hope to have a close friend who won't sit back and watch you embarrass yourself!