i
thought i knew
how much blood was in the human body.
i didn't

christmas eve
a family party
the happiest i'd seen you in years
you wrote everyone their own card,
i love you,
i'm so grateful for you,
and, added at the very bottom of mine in blue fine-point pen,
i'm sorry.
later I will be left wondering
why didn't I see it
when you said, no thanks
you can take the pie home
i probably won't get a chance to eat it anyway
-why didn't i ask you why?

christmas morning
i woke up at 2:24 AM
and i knew then, you were dead.
so i ran
and ran
and ran
eleven and a half miles
til i found you. my little sister
in your little room
in your little house, all alone
but it wasn't you. it wasn't you

the carpet in the little room was red
the deepest red
and your carpet is not red, it's beige
the walls were red
and your walls are not red. they're sky blue
(you're twenty-three. why are your walls still sky blue?)
your hair was red
and your hair is not red
it's gold. a million shades of gold,
so it couldn't be you,
and it couldn't be your apartment
because your carpet is beige
and your walls are sky blue
and your bedspread's got little birds on it
and you hate the color red
so it couldn't be you,
and it couldn't be your apartment
because your carpet is beige
and your walls are sky blue
and your bedspread's got little birds on it
and you hate the color red

and had it been anyone else i would have run to you screaming
help me
help me someone has died
comfort me
but, my little sister, you were dead on the ground
and i didn't know what to do
so i did what i would have done
had it been anyone else
and i screamed
and screamed
and screamed

three months passed. today is Tuesday
the fifth of April
i wake up at 2:24 AM
every morning
like clockwork
i run eleven miles to the For Sale sign in your yard
(it will always be your yard)
and i pound on the door
you're never there
so i scream
and scream
and scream

if i do it enough
someday your carpet will go back to beige
your walls to sky blue
your hair to a million shades of gold
i'll keep screaming
and you'll stand up, a pistol still in your left hand
tap me on the shoulder with your right
ask me what's wrong

and i will lift the pistol from you
and feel the cold of your hands
go warm
see the blue of your lips
turn to pink
as you touch my skin

but today is not that day.
instead
today is the day i pin a list to my wall-
i painted it dark grey. it used to be yellow-
on green notebook paper
of the questions i have for you
i just want to know.
why did you buy milk on Christmas Eve?