My alarm woke me up with the annoying loud pitched beep, beep, beep noise. Great another day, with all the stress, anxiety and suicidal thoughts going through my head. I was hoping to just die peacefully in my dreams. I looked towards my dog, Scout. She turned her head in a very cute way and whimpered.

“I know Scout, me too I’m disappointed I woke up as well,” I sighed and threw my head back.

“Welp, I’m among the living let’s eat.” I went to the kitchen and started breakfast. Scooped a cup of dog food for Scout’s bowl. She ran to it instantly and began chowing down. Scout’s one of the most adorable creatures I’ve ever seen, with her brown smooth fur, rolls on her face, neck and back that lead to her curled up tail. I love her so much, she’s my best and only friend. Which is pretty pathetic that as a 22 year old a dog is my only friend, but it’s okay because she’s all I need. I don’t know what I would do without her.

I cracked the egg over the pan and enjoyed the sizzle it made as it made contact.

I grabbed my breakfast, eggs, bacon and toast, a typical breakfast but still scrumptious, then I sat down and turned on the TV. Time to see what stupid crap fear they’re feeding us today.

“We are learning some more news about an Oregon man who killed his mother and sexually abused her body afterwards. We have told you before about William Smith who killed his mother, Gloria Smith on October 13th, 2017.”

“Damn,” I turned to Scout and made eye contact, “people are messed up in the head for real. I can’t watch this while eating. Sickening Scout, sickening.”

I turned off the TV and finished off my breakfast. The one good thing about having depression is that it let’s you take naps easily. Just had a mental breakdown? Nap time. Just canceled all your plans with friends because you didn’t have enough motivation to go out? Nap time. Just feeling hopeless, worthless and pathetic? Nap time. I could go on to list the many other reasons for nap times but that would take a life-time to complete. Anyways the point is, after I had sadly woken up, and enjoyed my breakfast to the lovely news of some guy killing his mother and raping her dead body, I decided it was time for a nap.

I was woken up by Scouts whining hours later. It was now four in the afternoon. Good thing it’s my day off. Scout jumped up on the couch and started licking my face and whining at the same time.

“Ugh, what do you want, leave me alone, I just wanna sleep,” she laid her head on my hip and wagged her tail, giving me those big honey brown puppy eyes. She’s the only one that can get me out of the house, that and a drink.

I grabbed her red leash, and her cute pink poop bag. Great time for the outside world. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for the cloudy gloomy depressing rain that was to come, correction I was. It’s my daily mood. I threw my hair but tight in a bun, toss on a jacket and grabbed Scout.

“Hello world,” I said aloud. I walked Scout down to the local park. It’s a small park yet it catches the eye with its huge pine trees that reach for the skies and its tall grass that makes you disappear like you’ve entered a maze. It’s a calming place that brings me warmth; too bad the weather kills the mood. Although the weather wasn’t that much of a drowner anymore, though it was still cloudy, gloomy and a tad cold; the rain had stop. Maybe Oregon couldn’t cry anymore. I could relate to that.

“You’re lucky the rain stopped, Scout,” I reached into my bag and Scout began to twirl because she already knew what I was trying to fish out of my bag, “Because now, we get to play ball.”

I smiled and I threw the ball as far as I could across the open field. She took off at a very impressive speed towards it, then brought the ball back but made me walk five feet just so I could throw it for her again. This repeated about 10 times over.

“Alrighty Scout, last one. I’m going to throw it as far as my human body will allow me. One..Two..”, I was feeling like a baseball player, I flung my leg up and arm back, and tossed with all the might in my one-hundred and ten, five foot three inches body had within it, “Three!” I said after the ball had already began soaring across the sky, and Scout began using all her leg power to chase after it as it went across the field and passed the alley that lead to a neighborhood. I started walking towards the alley to make sure Scout didn’t end up running off. I had her in my sights, still after the ball. As she was getting ready to jump up and grab the ball in the middle of the neighborhood street, I heard two of the most unpleasant sounds and some of the most heart shattering images.

The two unpleasant sounds were Scout yelping and the sound the car tires screeching as the car sped off through the neighborhood. The heart shattering images were seeing Scout focused on the ball one second and the next watching her yelp as she gets trampled under the tires, and seeing the car paint rose red on the road as they sped along. My heart dropped and I ran towards her.

I was unleashing a river from my eyes. I laid her head on my knees. She looked at me and made eye contact. Her eyes looked as if she was crying too, soft whimpers that kept getting softer until silence followed.

“You’re okay Scout, you’re okay, it’s okay you’re okay, it’s okay,” I kept repeating over and over but each time I did her body grew colder.

Nothing but silent tears streaming down my face. I picked up her ball and placed it back in my bag, then I picked up Scout and started walking home. As I was walking back home it began to rain again. I kept my head down and continued walking. I got to my front door, unlocked it and slammed the door behind me. I placed what used to be Scout on her dog bed in the front living room and grabbed a shovel and went to the back yard.
I dug, dug and dug and dug. The rain wasn’t all too helpful. Two hours later the hole I dug seemed to be big enough. Before I opened my sliding door, I asked for Scout to please greet me with her tail wagging and her body full of life. I took a breath and opened the door to more silence, my eyes finding Scout’s body where I had put her. More tears fed the river pouring out of my eyes. I placed my head on her chest wanting to hear just one beat, one thump. Silence is cruel.

I picked Scout up with her dog bed and placed her in the hole I had dug. I grabbed her ball and favorite toys, and her lesh. I picked some of the flowers in the yard that she would always try to eat. I placed all of it with her and began covering it with dirt. Once the hole was just a patch of dirt again, I put her collar on top of it.
“I know this is cliche, but whatever here goes it,” I sniffled. “Well, you were a good dog, Scout. You were my best friend and my only friend. You were like my child. You provided me with happiness and joy. It pains me to use all these past tense. But, I’m sorry that you died. I’m sorry for throwing the ball too far. I’m sorry that the people who hit you didn’t have the time to stop, to show sympathy. I’m mad at that, not that they hit you. But at the fact that they couldn’t have cared enough to stop their car, to hit their brakes and showed some remorse. Like I said early today, Scout, it’s sickening people are messed up. I love you and I always will. Rest in peace Scout, I’m sorry.” I cried more and walked inside and closed the door behind me and flopped on the couch.
The only thing I could think about was alcohol, I couldn’t get it off my mind. For the past forty-five minutes all I have been doing is staring at the ceiling trying to wake up. Sadly I was awake and this wasn’t a dream. I decided it was time to go out and get a drink, it was only nine o’clock so it wasn’t that bad of a time to get sad drunk. I grabbed my keys and walked towards the door. Then I looked down and realized I was covered in mud and blood. If I go outside looking like this it’s going to send the wrong image. So I hopped into the shower and had a mental breakdown, after I was done having my mental breakdown I got dressed and looked at myself in the mirror.

“Wow, what a hottie,” I said sarcastically looking at my pale skin, swollen honey brown eyes that looked like Scout’s, messy hair that was in a bun, my oversized sweatshirt, grey sweatpants and last but not least my uggs. I look like a typical teenage white girl who’s having breakdowns over highschool, how lovely. I better make sure to grab my ID.

I grabbed my keys and my wallet and this time successfully walked out the door. I got into my car and drove to the most depressing bar I know, Manny’s Tavern.

When I got there I ordered two shots of whiskey. I looked at my surroundings. Yup this place sure did fit my mood. I was one of five people in the bar, all of the drinking alone. The table I was sitting at, had a dim light that hovered above. The whole place was dimly light. Dark and sad. I took my shots, and ordered two more.
“Oh what am I going to do?” I said to myself, I took my shots and ordered more.

“Scout was one of the things keeping my alive and I killed her, it was my fault.”Another shot forced down. “Should've never thrown that ball.” Another shot.

“I’m just so dumb.” Another shot, and another were taken. Things began to get blurry and started to spin. My body was flushed over with warmth. I only wish I could suck the warmth out and give it to Scout. Slowly and slowly my vision started to darken. Another Shot. It felt like a tunnel. I was feeling better or to be fair I wasn’t feeling another.

“I’m so pathetic that I’m getting drunk and having breakdowns because my dog died. My only friend in the world. I have no family that cares for me and wants to see me. I’m alone. I have no one. I already wanted to curl up in a ball and die and now I couldn’t think of a better thing to do, so pathetic. I can’t with this life anymore, I feel like I’ve snapped.” I couldn’t tell if I was saying these things inside my head, or if I was saying them out loud. Things kept getting darker and darker until I couldn’t see or feel anything. Just blackness and one thought.

“This world is messed up.”