Isn’t it funny how you change? And then suddenly the world as you know it and everyone in it seem to fade from color into indistinction as you try to find yourself again, make some sense of anything in this big messed-up whirl of sound and time and people.

I have changed. But I’m also just the same. But why do I no longer enjoy being close like I once did? Why do I feel the way I do? Why am I so unsure? Of everything? Am I a sinner? A traitor? A freak? What is different now?

I see her, the me from the past, and myself at once. It’s as if I’m fourteen again, standing on that bridge, crying in my room at night, stranded in a crowded classroom, unsure of myself. Wanting to reach out but not sure how. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. I need more, but the question is, more of what? What am I looking for? What’s holding me back? Why don’t I feel fulfilled, even though I should be on top of the world? What awaits me? What am I missing? How do I find it? Who or what do I need to leave? And who or what do I need to stay?

What is happening? Who will I become?