Helping the Homeless Become Real New Yorkers: A Swiftian Proposal

        Observing the streets of New York City can be a dismal experience. It is extremely difficult to do so without encountering homeless people. They beg from their hearts for change but also for actual homes and fulfilling lives. The cardboard boxes and shoddy blankets represent no true home. These people can become very uncomfortable in their so-called living situations, being too hot on a blistering summer day or too cold on a bitter winter night. They are also burdens on other inhabitants of New York City. Their begging for change can frighten some of these residents, particularly children. These people also distress the more fortunate residents of New York City, as they know how bad the lives of these homeless people truly are.
            It is time for somebody to fix this unfortunate truth, and I humbly suggest my own plan for this to happen. I think that the way we can resolve the issue with New York City’s homeless is to ship them by airplanes to islands that are barren of any other human life. After parachuting down onto the islands, the homeless will encounter carnivorous animals. They will be required to fight these animals in order to obtain food and become stronger. After those who become a meal to animals are eliminated, those who survive after thirty days will get transported back to New York City, taking advantage of their newly gained strength to become personal trainers. In this way, they can make enough money to buy property on which they can live. Homeless people will either not survive and be eaten by carnivorous animals or become wealthy New Yorkers.
        This is not meant to be a dangerous experience for the homeless, but rather it should be considered as very rewarding. It will model the television program entitled “Survivor,” so the homeless will experience joy and excitement rather than fear and anxiety. Additionally, this solution not only benefits New Yorkers, but it also reflects on the ideas of one of our world’s greatest and most renowned scientists. Charles Darwin’s study of natural selection suggested that only the fittest individuals of a species are able to survive and reproduce. Moreover, since all organisms have undergone the process of natural selection throughout Earth’s history, it would be downright cruel to not include the homeless people of New York City in this study. They have already been excluded from possessing property, so it would be particularly cruel to exclude them from natural selection.
            A multitude of benefits will arise from this proposal. First and foremost, it will prove that not all homeless people are worthless. We will be able to infer which of these people are truly fit to live. For the ones who are not, feeding them to animals will end their suffering. Additionally, the homeless people who do make it back to the city will obtain much insight and strength. Spending a month on a desert island will certainly provide myriad opportunities for these people to learn more about the problems that real life presents. In the process, they will get stronger when fighting animals, making them fit to be personal trainers. Another benefit relates to schizophrenic men and women. Since these people have visions that represent events that are unlikely to happen on our New York City streets, some of these hallucinations could become a reality on a desert island. For example, if someone sees a lion charging toward him or her on the sidewalk, one should know what to do when they see one on an island. Therefore, we can assume that the schizophrenic homeless, of whom there are many in New York City, will take advantage of their disorder to become successful in the future.
            In addition, the thirty-day retreat will serve as a bonding experience for the homeless people. Since we can estimate an amount of one hundred fifty homeless people per island, one would have many chances to make friends. With the various bonding experiences, including cooking tiger meat by the fire, running from rabid grizzly bears, and singing epicedia to the recently killed, each homeless person has the potential to build lasting relationships. However, I do say that it may be slightly unkind to have these people abandon their new friends after being eaten. Finally, this will serve as a learning experience for the homeless. One can observe the habits of animals while they are not gnawing on human bones. Since there will be a vast plant variety on the island as well, the homeless will also be able to observe these plants in order to learn more about them. Of course, it would be up to the homeless to determine which of the plants are safe to eat, as it will help them learn more for when they return to New York.
            Even an idea as brilliant as this is bound to raise some objections. For example, some may worry that these homeless people may have trouble accessing potable water on an island. I have thought of this possible complication, and I have decided that “LifeStraws” should be hidden around the island. There will be one of these devices, which removes harmful particles from water that is from natural sources, per homeless person on the island, and each homeless person will receive an informative clue that should help him or her find his or her “LifeStraw.” The mentally unfit can easily be eliminated in this way, as these clues should appear awfully obvious to almost anyone. Another objection that I have heard is the idea that homeless people are unfit for an experience like this. I find this comment incredibly cruel. Anyone who makes a statement as foolish as this must reread my proposal. There are definitely some homeless people unfit to live in an urbanized city, but it is heartless to say that all are. The idea of this experience is to eliminate those who are unfit for a normal life. Therefore, we will be left with people who are suitable for lives in New York City, eliminating anyone who would be a liability to everyone else.
            I have spent three years devising this plan, and I have worked out all of its difficulties. Therefore, I am not willing to listen to any slapdash ideas devised from any other men. I recall one that was particularly irrational. This man wanted to use abandoned buildings of bankrupt businesses to house the homeless people, converting offices into cubicles in which they would live. Restrooms would be converted into cleansing stations. He also claimed that the dining hall would be a perfect location for the homeless people to eat meals. My friend did not realize the senselessness of this ignis fatuus. He did not take into account the fact that not all homeless people are fit for such a life. That is why we need to test their intelligence by putting them in life-threatening situations so that we would be left with only people fit for this world. Additionally, he did not devise a system for which these people would earn money. The homeless people in my foolproof plan will develop enough strength on the island to obtain jobs as personal trainers so that they could acquire enough money to support themselves. After hearing this idiotic idea for a solution to the problem, I request that nobody propose his or her own idea to me.
            I devised this plan with no benefits for anyone besides the homeless people. Nothing in this plan can possibly benefit anyone else, including myself. I am a profound member of the Nazi party, and all I want is for my world to be perfect and filled with people who can live fulfilling lives. I simply want to use the proven science of eugenics to put those who cannot do this out of the picture. With this plan, the quagmire involving New York’s homeless people can easily be ended once and for all.