Throughout your childhood, you seem to float on an endless cloud. Some say the world is at your fingertips. You feel happy that you can walk outside and see the sky light up in front of your eyes. Clouds are like canvases. The grass is like a blanket to protect you from the outside world. Running wild with your arms out, the biggest smile you can muster on your face.
No wonder it came like a pile of grief. Such unnecessary turmoil for one who is only fourteen years old. Growing up is something that we can never get accustomed to. Nothing a boy who loved living wild and free wanted nor needed.
He stood outside his house, staring. The birds tried to chirp their familiar tune, yet it seemed to dull in his head like a song being put on pause. Because he couldn’t help but watch as the situation unfolded. His mother stood up abruptly from her chair, as the husband’s eyes watched her closely. His mother had that accusing look in her eye because she knew. She knew about her husband’s long nights with some girl twenty years younger than him.
And it was all because of the boy watching from afar with wide eyes. It all happened too soon when it started to go downhill.
He began coming home late a month ago. At first, he was only an hour late. Then, it was two. Soon, he called saying he was out for the whole night. His excuses were feeble, something a toddler would say to their parents when caught stealing a cookie. Yet, his mother wanted to believe them.
It broke the boy’s heart too many times to heal. Shattered like a mirror filled with bad luck. But at that moment, it was only an accusation. No one but the devil was whispering in his ear about the things his father was doing behind his mother’s back. Behind the family’s back.
But secrets are hard to keep. He was distant that night that he finally came home on time. The boy remembered it clearly. Forever engraved in his mind as a constant reminder.
The door opened with a large bang as he slammed it shut. His father’s eyes were dark, haunting. They almost seemed to be spilling the secret on their own. Spilling terrible imagery of events that he never wanted to share. His mother jumped at the sound, turning her head over to look at him. She wasn’t happy to see him and neither was he. They just seemed to stare, questioning each other’s existence.
Immediately, the father snapped out of it and headed straight for his room. On any normal night, the boy would just watch as naively as he could. Yet tonight was different. A switch in his mind was flipped and he was headed towards his father’s room.
It was a dark place, shadows forbidding him from entering. The pale door was slightly ajar, allowing the lone sound of hollow static to erupt from the television. The boy stiffened, wanting to return to his former state of naivety but his body wouldn’t let him. Instead, he shuffled towards the door and pressed against it.
The father was sprawled across the bed, his arms thrown lifelessly on top of his body. At first, he resembled a rotten corpse, miserable and alone. But, he slowly shifted to the other side of the bed, deep in a fitful sleep.
The boy seemed to be in a daze, his body turned on auto pilot. He marched towards the father’s dresser, staring at the contents spilled over the dark wood. And there it was, his black cellphone. It glistened in the moonlight, as if wanting to be taken and relieved of the secrets it held. He took it into his cold and clammy hands and pressed the power button.
There were five text messages that lit up the screen, each more urgent than the rest. The first one talked about a place, a time and a hidden undertone that made the boy want to retch. The second rambled about how her husband wasn’t home and it would be alright for him to stay the night. The third was filled with overly amorous phrases and emoticons, each word like a stab to the heart. The knife kept on returning, cutting his heart to smaller and smaller bits. The screen became blurry. The world went black. That’s when it all came crashing down. Everything in his life, suddenly laughable.
It all came back to that moment, the one where he finally broke down, sobbing at a phone screen. No matter how hard he tried, images of that night kept on coming up like a predator stalking you in the middle of the night.. And as he watched his mother accuse his father of cheating, it only became ever so clear.
All of his childhood was a lie. As he played with other children and lived freely, he never bothered to see what was really underneath the surface of his life. Everything was sugarcoated so he’d hear it just like he wanted to. Everything was censored so it wouldn’t plague his innocent mind. But, he wasn’t so innocent anymore.
He shielded his eyes from the rest of his parents conversation, turning away from his them and their relationship that was no doubt breaking from the seams. He approached the white picket fence that surrounded his house, keeping in all the terrible secrets of their household from the rest of the world. The generic little fence that masked every house of the terrors they behold, to make them seem all perfect in their little suburban neighbourhood.
He grasped onto the white wood, as if the ground were crashing from below him.
“In loving memory of my youth,” Donovan spoke quietly, in that moment letting go of every single lie he’d ever believed. And every truth, too.