I was 9 years old when my father took his own life. It hurts to remember hearing my Father cry at night. I would curl up next to him and he would hug me, kiss my head, then whisper "I love you," and I would echo it back to him. This happened so much that I just started falling asleep in his bed. He would always read comic books to me. He had the most creative voices that always made me smile and laugh. I really miss those nights, I really miss him.
    My mom wasn’t home a lot and when she was they would just fight with each other. Although I didn’t want them to fight I still wanted them to see each other. I thought that maybe they could work things out.
    I thought that I would be enough to make him stay. It hurts that I wasn't. I would stay with my grandparents a lot, when he was still alive. I didn't think much of it.
"He's sick so people are helping him get better," they would tell me.
    I wish they would have just told me what was going on with him. I guess they thought he would get better. I know I did.
   He lay in his casket. I knew it was him but it didn't look like him. I could see the layers of makeup that covered his face, glue peeked through his eyes and mouth. They had him wear a turtleneck, I didn't know why because he never wore them.
    My grandparents told me when I was 20 years old. They told me that he had not died from a brain tumor but from sadness. I sat in silence as I tried to put the puzzle pieces together in my head. My heart dropped when it clicked that he had taken his own life. All my emotions came storming out of me, questions shot out of my mouth. Why? How? Why didn't you tell me sooner? Did he say goodbye? My grandparents confessed that he had hung himself, that explained the turtleneck. At this point they handed me the letter, the letter my father had left me. The letter where he said goodbye to me. I looked at it as it sat in my hands. On the front of the letter “Leo” was written in stunning cursive. I stood up to try to escape this horrific pain that shot through me every time I took a breath. I was weak, my legs wanted to give out. I didn’t let them. I ran to my room, sat on my bed and slowly opened the letter. My weak shaky hands prevented me from opening it any sooner than I had. This is the letter he left me.

Dear son,
I hope more than anything that you will be happy with whatever you do with your life. That you will always have a open heart, to see the beauty in the places that no one can find any. Please care, not only for yourself but everyone. Help the fallen and the broken. Smile whenever you get the chance. Put as much peace as you can in this world while you can, we need it. I hope that you will live in the present/moment, the past is the past and you can’t change that, there is no use staying there. The future has not come yet. I can say that the unknown can be frightening at times but if you worry about it too much you won’t be able to live a happy life. Now son, stay young until you can’t, I know that you’re eager to grow up but you will never be able to go back to these years once they're gone. Don’t cry about me. Do not blame yourself or anyone. You were the greatest thing that ever happen to me. Do not miss me for I am right here and here I shall forever stay.
I will never stop loving you Leo, don’t forget that.
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     It hurt to read but it gave me a sort of closure. He had said goodbye. My mother never got the chance, and I always think about what she would have said if she knew she was going to die that day in her car. I ran downstairs and saw the tears falling from my grandparents faces and I hugged them, anything to make them feel better. Since my father died I have written him a letter every month. I don’t know if he can read them but I still write them because if there's a chance he can, I want him to.
My grandparents drove me to where my parents rested in the ground. I am 26 years old now and am finally able to tell people the whole story. Here are some letters that I wrote to my father at different ages after he passed away.
Dear daddy,
 
   It’s been 17 days since you left. I think that writing you a letter will help with the bad feelings inside me. Grandma and grandpa are doing everything they can to make me feel okay but I know they are hurting too. I wish you could have stayed longer, everyone does. I can’t look at the stack of comic books next to your bed without tearing up. Daddy, will I ever forget your voice? or the way your hugs feel?  People feel bad for me they say “you poor little boy” or “I’m so sorry for your loss.” I’m glad they care in all but I don’t want so many people crying in my face and hugging me. I kiss the picture of you that I keep next to my bed every night. I wear your shirts as much as possible so you’re always with me. I don’t really know how to go on without you, I don’t smile like before. People can see my sadness and ask if I’m okay, I say yes because then they go away. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop hurting like this, grandma and grandpa said it will get better, will it? I’ll see you again someday.
I miss you daddy. 

12 years old
Dear dad,

Today in english we were told to write about our hero, as you could guess I chose you. I want to be as good a father as you were one day. Even when you were sick, you never stopped loving me. You fought to stay with us but the sickness was too much. It helps to think that one day I’ll see you and mom again. I made some comics with the both of us in it. You’re the greatest superhero that ever lived and I’m your sidekick. No matter what we encounter we can always defeat it and keep the whole city safe.
  When you died a part of me did too. I don’t think that I will ever be happy again and that crushes me. Don’t be sad it’s not your fault, you wouldn’t leave me if you had a choice. I’ll see you again someday.
I miss you dad. 

After finding out my father had killed himself
Dear father,
 
   I just read your letter. I can’t be mad because you’re already gone so there’s no point. Thank you for saying goodbye, I wish you didn’t leave though. I felt every emotion known to man when grandma and grandpa told me the truth. I’m glad that I never killed myself after you died. I wanted to more often than not. I knew if I was to die I might have a chance to see you again. I realize now that even though I miss you more than anything. I can’t live in the past, like you stated in the letter. I will never be happy if all I do is think about you and what I could’ve done to keep you here or where everything went wrong.
    I can’t remember a time in my life where I felt at peace until now. I have an amazing partner and a loving cat named Lucas. We all live together in an apartment in a small town located in Michigan. We plan to get married in August and to expand our family. I know you’ll be next to me when I state my vows. I haven’t forgotten about you but you no longer take up all the space in my mind. You may not be here physically but I can always find you by picking up a comic book.
I’ll see you again someday.
I miss you and I love you dad.