“Jane wake up! Come on! It’s the big day!”              
“Mom, I can’t believe it, it’s today!”
I never woke up so quickly and as excited as I did this morning.
My hair is beautiful, my makeup looks gorgeous and my dress, is stunning. Its lacey texture that unfolds into a mermaid type gown with an open back, is the dress I have always dreamed of.
Never in my life did I feel so radiant. As a kid, I always thought of myself as being ugly and boring. Since I’m black, people didn’t like to be associated with me and I was very lonely. Discrimination was able to affect me and cause my self esteem to plunge. To now see how beautiful I look, and to be able to say it proudly, shows how much I have changed and bettered myself over the years.
I am now in my dressing room and the process it took to get to this point and all I have dreamed of it, is incredible. Never in my life would I have imagined getting married to my best friend, most surprising, in a church.
“You look amazing Jane, when Mark sees you he’s going to fall in love again.” said Nicole.
Who knew Nicole would turn out to be one of my bridesmaids. After how much I hated living with her, I realized she helped me get through tough times. The apartment we lived in formed chaos between us two, but when I felt like nothing she was able to make me feel important.
While I was lost in my thoughts, my mom appeared at the dressing room door all of a sudden and with almost tears in her eyes said, “Almost time to go Jane.”
The car ride here, to the church, felt like eternity, but in a good way. My mom and I were able to speak on so many things.
“It’s truly amazing that you are about to get married Jane.”
“Mom, but the most unbelievable thing is that it’s in a church, who knew.”
Before I was an atheist, I used to think, how could there be a holy spirit if it never protected me? Having gone through so many struggles and feeling alone, supported my idea that there existed no God. I met Mark at my job during a tough time since I had low income. At the start of our relationship I thought he would soon leave me, because ever since my childhood I felt insecure about myself and it manifested throughout my adulthood. We had been dating for long and he continued to accept me for who I was and love me. I then fell in love. Mark is very Catholic, and back then, to me it was unfortunate but I continued to be with him. Most of our discussions were based on religion and that he wanted me to go to mass with him. I turned down his ideas but after so much persuasion I agreed to accompany him. We went for the first time together, I had not been to church ever since I was forced to do so as a kid. As soon as I went in I felt uncomfortable and rejected, it was just like I didn’t belong there. Everyone on their knees praying, seemed strange. All I wondered was, do they really think somebody is listening to them? Throughout the entire preach my head kept falling into Mark’s shoulders, as he had told me because I was so asleep that I couldn't remember.
I continued to go to with Mark because I wanted to make him happy, even though it bored me out of my mind. He didn’t mind that I always complained about it, it was as if he knew that sooner or later I would begin listening and enjoying the lecture. His plan seemed to work, although it took me about a year to actually start listening, when I did I liked it. The teachings brought me into a spiritual state of mind, took me to be at peace with myself. It was an amazing feeling and it made me understand what I was missing out on.
Mark and I had been trying to conceive for a long time, no results seemed to come out. It had always been my greatest wish to have children, and I was devastated that I wasn’t able to. After so long, I just began to believe I was infertile, but during my transition from Atheist to Catholic, I learned that I was pregnant.
That was when I realized why I had had that dream with my father recently. It was just him and I in a dark room. We were talking as if we were best friends knowing each other’s secrets. We spoke about my future most of all, he said he could see me achieving my dream of becoming a mother. He said, “I can see you married, with maybe one or two kids, and most importantly, you’ll be happy. All of that if you are able to make a massive change in your life.” That change would later involve my religion.
We are now arriving to the Church, never so nervous in my life. The car is stopping and I see the rows of chairs filled with invitees. I am trying to see Mark but the heads of people are covering my view. I now have to get out the car, it’s time to get married. I feel my heartbeat speed up and I begin to shake, I’m nervous but in a good way. My mom leaves the car, and she helps me do so myself. We are now walking up the stairs towards the church, just like we practiced, and I think of something. I think how great it would be if my father was able to walk me down the aisle at this very moment. I wish he was still here with me, I lost him too early in my life. It was the main reason why I became an Atheist. I used to think that if God had protected him, he could’ve still been with me. I now know that my father was meant to die at that time, he had to much of a beautiful soul to live in this sinful planet. So God took dad with him. Even though it would be amazing to have my dad walk me down the aisle, it is a blessing that my mother is able to take his place.
Now I am walking down the aisle toward Mark, and all I see is him. I am reminded why I fell in love with him. Throughout the tough times I was given people who were blessings to me, and he is one of them. I remember exactly the first time I saw him. I had recently lost the one stable job I had for a few years, and I was looking for a new employment. While I was looking into a hospital to work at as a receptionist, I noticed he was one of the doctors. I just saw him as one of the doctors and didn’t think much of it, but he did. He seemed to not be able to take his eyes off me, he even almost bumped into a wall. It was funny. He came up to me and kept stalling, but we managed to make a conversation. From the beginning he seemed like a nice person. Then he said, and I remember his exact words, “What’s your number?... You know, so I can contact you about job...opportunities.. here at the hospital.”
We began to talk on the phone, day after day, and we got really attached to each other. I wasn’t in love at first, but after time of getting to know each other, I realized he was the one.
We are now looking into each other's eyes, in front of the whole audience. All I see is Mark, his beautiful smile causes me to do so too. The stained glass windows and altar make me feel like a princess.
“I do.” I say with tears in my eyes. I try to hold them back, I don't want my makeup ruined, but the happiness I feel inside makes me cry like a baby.
We kiss and I hear all the applauses, they’re applauding our love and that makes me happy. I hear the clicks of the cameras which are capturing every moment of this wonderful day. It seems like the kiss lasts for minutes, hours, because as we kiss I reminisce on the life I lived to finally reach this moment in it. I think of the future kids we will have, because I know we will have children. We will now be able to have children the moral way. Before becoming Catholic, Mark and I had been trying to have kids but were not able to. Doctors always told me there was nothing medically wrong and that we had to keep trying. It was frustrating and sad because I felt like I couldn’t do the most important thing women were supposed to do. After becoming religious, I began to believe that the reason why I could not have kids was because I was an Atheist. One of the main reasons why we decided to get married was to be able to have kids without sinning. I know that after this day we will be able to easily have kids, and my greatest dream of becoming a mother, will be granted.