Friday, October 19th , 2023- Amsterdam, Netherlands

When I first escaped, the hellish thoughts that once suffocated me had been forced to the very back of my mind, a place where I vowed to never go. My soul had been cleansed, a new one arisen. I could finally breathe in the sweetness around me, and let life fill my lungs. That euphoric feeling, however, did not last. Right when I thought things were working out just fine, my fears returned as whispers in the night, begging me to listen. And that’s exactly what I did.

“Hattie! Wake up, I’m going to get coffee,” shouts Annie, ripping the fleece comforter from my body. Groaning in vexation, I wipe the sleep from my eyes and give her the best death glare I could muster up. My body refuses to leave this heavenly bed, but I know she won’t take no for an answer. She walks around the penthouse (courtesy of the Conservatorium Hotel), and opens all of the blinds, allowing the morning light to illuminate the glass interior of our room. It’s been nine days since we’ve landed in Amsterdam, and it has been worth every penny. For the first time in awhile, I finally feel free of worry. It’s just me and a close friend, soaking up the adventures of being young adults.
I mumble a few incoherent words under my breath, and unwillingly lift myself from my sanctuary. Stretching, I turn to my dear friend and take a good look at her. Annie’s all dolled up in a grey sweater dress, with a bold red scarf and matching red heels. Her hairs all curly and whatnot, and the biggest grin is plastered on her face. “Please, get dressed so we can leave.” Without another word, I force myself to walk over to my suitcase, and sift through my belongings. “By the way, it’s 56 degrees, so wear something warm. And decent.” With that being said, she exits the room and shuts the door behind her.
Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to go out today. I just don’t understand why she goes all out to look good for strangers, but I may as well not disappoint her. I grab my favorite pair of dark skinny jeans and pair them with a basic black sweater, and black ankle boots. I’ll even wear a matching red scarf for kicks and giggles.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
After about an hour and a half of making myself presentable, I unlock the bedroom door and find Annie pacing back and forth in the living room. When she sees me, she instantly smiles and checks me out. “You clean up nice, young grasshopper. You even tried to coordinate with me a little.” Feeling proud of myself, I spin around jokingly and take a bow. “Why, thank you. Now, coffee it is.” We both grab our phones and purses, and head out of the door, ready to begin yet another beautiful day.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
After searching for bikes, Annie and I pedal our way to the Starbucks on Utrechtsestraat 9. The first day we got here, I immediately found my way to this cafe with the help of a few bystanders. I met a girl about the same age as me who works there. Jordan is her name; Jordan makes the best caramel macchiatos I’ve ever had.
As we ride through the busy streets, we make small talk here and there, trying to pass the time. At last, we spot the familiar chalkboard sign outside of the cafe, and bring our bikes to a stop. Locking them in the nearest parking rack, we rush in to get our dose of caffeine. The bell above the door jingles, and of course Jordan is on her shift. “Hey gals! Sit, sit. Heaven in a cup, coming right up!” she says with a smile. We return her kind gesture and take a seat at our usual table, right next to the counter. After a few moments of settling in, Jordan’s already serving us our caramel macchiatos and chocolate chip cookies. “I’ve gotten so used to you guys coming in every mornin’, I’d be upset if you didn’t walk through that door one day.” Annie chuckles lightheartedly and takes a sip of her drink. “You know we’re only going to be here for a few more days.” Jordan’s smile falters for a split second, but she recovers. “Yeah, I know. I can’t help but get attached to the customers here. I love you people like family, ya know?” Annie and I both glance at each other, before getting up and embracing Jordan in a friendly hug. The next few hours are spent speaking to Jordan on her breaks, and socializing with the locals.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Annie POV

As Hattie sleeps on the couch, I can’t help but look at her and be proud of myself. We spent the whole day stress free, without a care in the world. We laughed, ate enough food for the next 3 days, and reminisced on the good memories we had. Not once did a frown appear on her face, and for that I am thankful.
Not wanting to wake her, I grab the remains of our pizza and relocate to the bedroom. I make myself comfortable under the comforter and decide to watch PLL re-runs. . .

Hattie POV

Today has been an exhausting day. I got a chance to take Myana on her first bike ride. We went out for ice cream, and she even made a few friends at the TunFun Indoor Playground. It brings me absolute joy when that little ball of sunshine is around, and for that reason I am beyond gracious. While Myana stares up at the T.V. screen, I admire her beauty. Her caramel colored skin and her golden brown curls, her grey eyes and her bright smile; this child is a gift from the Gods.
“Alright, pumpkin. Time to go to bed!” I playfully yell as I scoop her up in my arms, scattering kisses all over her face. “Mommy! Stop it!” she giggles. These are the moments I live for.
I run down the hallway and stop at her room door, clearing my throat clownishly. “Princess, you have arrived to your kingdom. May I enter?”  She looks me in the eye and a smile creeps its way onto her face. “Of course, mommy. You’re a princess too.” My heart warms at her kind words, and I open her door, slowly walking her to her pink canopy bed. I gently lay her down, and watch as she yawns and crawls under her cover. Almost immediately, her eyelids flutter and her breathing slows. I lean in a place a chaste kiss to her forehead. Before I make it to the door, her barely audible voice stops me. “Where ya going?” she asks me. “Sweetie, I’m just going to the next room. Go to sleep, young grasshopper.” “I love you mommy.” “I love you too, to the moon and back.” With that being said, I turn off her lights and proceed to my bedroom.
After closing my curtains and dimming the lights, I grab my Macbook and open the baby monitor app. I know I just left her a few moments ago, but I like to reassure myself that she’s okay. As I watch her peacefully sleeping, I can’t help but wonder what she’s dreaming about. Unicorns? Fairies and pixie dust? Growing up? Whatever it may be, I hope it makes her happy.
Just as I am about to shut off the video, a faint humming catches my attention. . . I know I turned off everything. There’s nothing playing in her room. I continue to watch the grainy, black and white image on screen, and the humming only gets louder, the song more clear. “A la nanita nana nanita, ella nanita, ella. Mi nina tiene sueno, bendito sea, bendito sea.” Where the hell is that coming from? It sounds like. . . me. Out of the shadows, a figure walks over to Myana’s bed and sits on her bed. “My dear child, you’re so beautiful.” The figure tenderly places a kiss on her forehead, right where I last left one. In a state of shock, I make no movements whatsoever. My eyes stay glued to the scene unfolding before me. The body turns in the direction of the baby monitor and I try my best to make out the features. It’s me. Okay, that’s not possible. I blink my eyes in a frenzied fashion, trying to convince myself I’m the victim of a wild imagination. And then, she speaks. “Oh Hattie,” she whispers with a chuckle. “You’re not dreaming. I’m here. I’m here.” She flashes me a devilish grin and right before my eyes, she is gone. Dropping my laptop to the floor, I rush out of my room and down the hall. I flip on the light switch, and frantically lift Myana into my arms. My throat closes up, and in seconds, I am gasping for air. Calm down, it wasn’t real. I carry Myana back to my room and close the door, placing her on my bed afterwards. She’s still asleep. Thank God I didn’t wake her. Pacing the floor, I turn on the bedside lamp so I can see a little better. Anxiety courses through my veins, bringing me to my knees as I let out a muffled sob. This is overwhelming. Come on, it was just your imagination. I mean, how could your 16 year old self be here, in this time period? Just forget about it. But, I can’t. It scared me, and I don’t even know why I’m so shaken. I can just feel the bad vibes.
I attempt to gather my thoughts and get myself together. I rise, and climb in the bed next to my child, keeping the light on for reassurance. I’m not afraid of the dark, I’m afraid of what’s in it. I pull the heavy, satin comforter over the both of our bodies, and pull Myana in close. I wrap my arms around her protectively, and she subconsciously snuggles into me. I then close my eyes, and beg sleep to overcome me.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
I awake only to see that Myana is not lying next to me anymore. Panicking, I try to get out of bed when suddenly I am sinking in a large body of water. I fight to get to the surface, kicking and flailing my arms and legs since I cannot swim. My lungs are rapidly filling with water, and I can’t see a thing. Cold. Dark. Silent. The only audible sound is the constant splash of water, and my choking. I am above water for just a second. “Myana!” And then I sink. Again, back up for another quick moment. “Myana!” Back under. I can slowly feel my body shutting down from the lack of heat, but I refuse to go down without a fight. With all of the hope and strength I can gather at this unfortunate moment, I am able to keep my head above water a little longer. Frantically, I look around, but only fog is before me. “Somebody help! Please!” My voice echoes, my plea for help unheard.
Just then, I am being pulled from the water, a large hand scooping me up. I attempt to jump out of fear, but the hand gently closes around me, like a child who has just caught a butterfly. As the hand raises higher, the temperature get warmer, and my surroundings become lighter.  The hand stops and opens, bringing the second hand closer to keep me from escaping. “Mommy? You’re so small.” My head snaps up at the familiar voice and her stare at her angelic face in awe. “Myana. . . W-why are you so big?” I ask. She giggles and squints at me. “I’m four, silly. I’m a big girl.” Just then, another figure appears over her shoulder. It’s sixteen year-old me. Again. “Well, well, well. I see you caught a little fish,” she says in a monotone voice. Myana looks up at her and laughs. “It's not a fish! It’s mommy!” This is just a dream. I stand tall and with a shaky voice, I speak to her. “Myana, we’re going home. Let’s go.” “But mommy, this is my friend. I want to stay with her.” She pokes out her bottom lip and gives me that irresistible puppy dog face. Younger me speaks, “Yeah, Hattie. We’re having fun.” I look into her eyes, and see flames. She notices my horrified expression, and a wickedly grins. I rapidly blink my eyes and try to wake myself. She speaks again, “Oh, sweetie. You think this is a dream? This is your worst nightmare.” That’s it. I’ve got nothing to lose at this moment, so I jump. My body breaks through the surface of the cold water, and I let myself sink.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Annie POV

A shrill scream awakes me, and I run to the living room. I watch in horror as Hattie flails around on the couch, screaming in apparent agony. “No! Please, please! Please leave me alone!” she sobs uncontrollably. With tears in my eyes, I rush over and grab ahold of her. “Hattie! Wake up! Wake up!” I violently shake her until her eyes flutter open. Immediately, she takes my hands in hers and get on her knees in a pleading manner. “Annie, please!” she weeps. “Please give me Myana. Please.” I try to hide my pained expression as she looks up at me, begging me for help. Crying with her, I place a gentle hand on her cheek. “Hattie,” I pause. “Mayana’s not--” “Please,” Hattie whispers as she closes her eyes, lowering her head. She didn’t want to hear the truth. I close my mouth, and pull her up onto the couch. She lays her head onto my lap, and her breathing slows a little. I hum to her, and tell her that everything will be alright, that Myana is sound asleep, even though I so badly want to tell her the truth. For now, I will pretend.
I will pretend that the child is actually here, safe and sound, even though that’s impossible because she drowned several months ago. For Hattie’s  sake, I will pretend.