The Canadians have done it again! After infecting our girls with Bieber Fever, they’e made suspect maneuvers that make our intelligence agency (headed by Pikachu) think they’re preparing to take over the world. They are apparently going to begin by engulfing alaska, and then proceed to knock out the mainland states. This looks like a job for Superman.
Superman has it all: super speed, super strength, super endurance, the list goes on. His powers of flight have baffled leading physicists all over the globe! But best of all, he will never, ever, switch sides (as long as he doesn't find out that we're the ones who want to take over the world). He’s practically invincible, with enough power to take down the Hulk.
It was recently brought to my attention that the Canadians, led by arch-dictator Justin Bieber, have acquired 2.6 kilograms of Kryptonite. That’s enough to give ol’ Supes more than a little headache. However, my political rivals forget that Dr. Emil Hamilton has equipped our Man of Steel with an anti-kryptonite suit, made from a flexible titanium-lead alloy.
In response to supporters of that arrogant fool Iron Man, if you take away the suit, he’s got no powers. Superman, however, remains potent even in the form of his alter ego, which upon his request is to remain classified.
As the leader of the JLA, Superman has plenty of leadership experience. If he can lead a team of the world’s most powerful superheroes, he can definitely keep track of the USA. Remember, he’s all about truth, justice, and the American way.
Super powers. Super leader. Super Man. This guy is the key to our success. Also, the Canadians failed with Alan Thicke, and they'll probably fail again with Justin Bieber. Superman’s complete list of qualifications can mean only one thing. He is the one to lead the way to a new, American world.