“Please, Sylvia give me a moment to think” I said. !
! “Okay I will give you some space.” Sylvia starts getting up to leave, when she turns around and says, “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”!
! “Sylvia I just don’t know if I can do it any more!” I weep, tears running down my face. Sylvia’s heart sank, she looks like she can’t breath. I can’t believe I just said that. I was planning not to tell anyone. It’s too late now, I will have to tell her. “Sylvia, I need this to stop! All the name calling, the yelling, and the immense pressure to do well.” !
! “Oh,” she said, her face looking as though she was a mother that had lost her child. !
! “I wasn’t planning to tell anyone because I thought that if I ignored it all, it would eventually go away. But it hasn’t, and I don’t know what to do anymore.”!
! “You could go talk to the councilors, couldn’t you Kat?” She said phrased as more of a question than a statement. !
! “You and I both know that it won’t help, it’s not like they do anything. And if they call my mom... I just don’t want to have to deal with that.”!
! “You’re right,” she agreed. !
! The bell rang and we went our separate ways. It is sad the only time I get to see my friends is at lunch. I don’t even have a single class with any one of them. So, I just drift through school, having uneventful day after uneventful day. I only say that it is uneventful because all the name-calling and bullying is normal to me now. Even though it is a normal occurrence, that doesn’t mean that it is any less painful. It is always the same though. You’re fat, You’re worthless, You should die I mean nobody likes you anyway. I hear the same thing everyday, but at home there is no telling what could happen. It all depends on their mood, I never know what to expect. I try to stay away from home as much as I can. I will do anything just to stay away, I am tutoring five people just to have an excuse. Someone nudged me and I realized that I was spacing out. “Sorry I was lost in thought, what was the question?” I said.!
! “Next time please try to pay attention,” the teacher said. !
! “Okay, sorry.’’!
! I kept spacing out, I couldn’t help it. I would be doing my work, then I would start worrying about going home and I would become lost in the “what ifs.” After school I went to tutor again, I could barely help students with their homework. I was so worried, even more than usual. I am never like this. I’m usually very productive, even when worried. Why Is today so different? I realized I was spacing out again. “Sorry I am kind of out of it today,” I said slightly blushing. !
! “It’s ok I was just wondering if um...” Chris said slightly embarrassed. I saw that he was blushing and I didn’t know why. I couldn’t think of anything that he would have to be embarrassed about. I have been tutoring him for a while and I thought that we were comfortable enough to know that it is okay when we make mistakes. !
“Well, Kat I was wondering if you um...never mind,” he said sweetly. !
! “I have to go anyway, bye.”!
! “Goodbye, I hope to see you again,” he yelled after me. !
! As I walk home I am overtaken with worry. Why is this happening? What is going to happen? Sylvia has stopped talking to me, maybe I took it to far this morning. I will apologize tomorrow.!
! There it is, my house. The one on the end of the block, misleadingly yellow. Mom says that happy colors make a happy looking family. Happy families are normal families, and that’s what all of our friends think. It doesn’t help though, our neighbors can still hear the yelling, no matter what we try. I just hope that tonight isn’t one of those nights. !
! I walk through the door and, for some reason, I don’t get that bad feeling. That feeling you get when you know something bad is going to happen. I walk in and set my stuff down, and
?say hello to my mom in the kitchen. I walked up to my room, started my homework, and grabbed a snack. Tonight seems like there will be no problems, as far as I know. !
! “Kat, how was school today?” My mom asked.!
! “Just a normal day mom,” I replied, “I am going to bed. I finished my homework, and watched the news too. Did you hear about that girl?”!
! “Yes, it’s terrible what she did. Anyway, goodnight dear,” My mom says. It’s good that she’s happy. I got into my pajamas, sat on my bed, and started to think. I think about how many people hate me, and about how unimportant I am. I start to think about that girl on the news. They said that she was bullied, and had been cutting for years. One day, she finally gave in and committed suicide. I think about how she said that the cutting helped her. If it helped her, would it help me? No, it’s stupid, I couldn’t do that! I am not that desperate, am I? If I tried it, it wouldn’t be that bad, right? !
! I found an old pencil sharpener in my desk, unscrewed the blade and tried it. The thing was, I couldn’t stop. It’s calming to run the blade over my skin, to watch the blood trickle down my leg. It makes my worries go away, and I like it that way. I stop when I herd a knock at the door. I hid the blade and covered the cuts. “Come in?” I yelled. !
! “I thought you were going to bed?” My mom asked.!
! “I am, I was just finishing up some reading.” !
! “Okay dear sleep tight.”!
! “Thanks mom, goodnight.” She closed the door and turned the light off. I lay down, it stung, but I like it. I stay up another hour, just thinking about school, how Sylvia didn’t talk to me the rest of the day. I know there are some bad rumors about me, but we have been friends for years. Would she leave me for that? I guess if the rumors involved her she might, but that’s fine because I don’t want others to be dragged down this path with me. !
! The next day at school I try to talk to Sylvia. All she did was roll her eyes. I was kind of thrown off by that, but I carried on with my day. It was a nice day, everybody seemed to ignore me, and I liked that. It was such a boring day that I feel asleep in third period. After school let out I ran into Alexia, she was the one who started all the rumors. She is ganging up on me, with Sylvia! “Sylvia what are you doing here?” I asked in complete astonishment.!
! “I am not your friend Kat, I don’t stand up for you anymore” she sassed. !
! “You are my best friend,” I said almost to tears. !
! “She hates you Kat. We are just here to tell you to leave her alone.” Alexis retorted. !
! After a month, the bulling had gotten worse. I don’t know if I can take another black eye or bloody nose. I have told the teachers and I have been trying to stay away from them like the teachers told me. My grades are starting to drop, that means that life at home has gotten worse. I have stopped tutoring but Chris is still trying to talk to me. I told him to leave me alone, he might get bullied if he does. He hasn’t talked to me after that. !
! Since then, I have grown into a depressing state. Every time I think about school or “friends” I get sad and my thoughts turn to suicide. I can’t help it, it just pops into my head. I usually shake it off. But my house is terrible, and school is worse. I just can’t take it anymore. I have decided that I will be on the news next. !
! I was on the news the following day. Breaking news: A girl was found dead in her room last night by her parents. They didn’t report it until late this morning. Her funeral will be held next week. !
! This poem was read at my funeral, my final request:!
! ! !
!
The Girl!
By: Kat !
!
I was the girl you didn’t notice ! The one that hid in the corner ! Well you notice me now !
The hallways full of you scorners! !
There is so many ways ! To say that I hate you ! But so many more !
To thank you !
I thank you so much!
For telling me I am worthless!
I hope you are proud !
Cause it seems you have made quite a mess ! !
A mess you can’t clean up!
One that could have been prevented !
If the right steps were taken !
If only I could have vented!
!
If only there was one !
That would have cared !
Enough to love !
For nothing could be compared!
!
I would still be here if there was !
I would be here to love back !
If only that person existed !
But it doesn’t and so my heart turned black.!
!