Obesity is an epidemic. One in three adults in the United States is said to be obese, a statistic that is bigger than Rush Limbaugh’s ego. We must take action to reduce the obesity rate in America. Do you think inspiration comes easy to those who thrive on high cholesterol and fatty foods? No, of course not. Fat people have no sense of right or wrong. Our only course of action: send the obese to the moon.

Some may argue that sending obese people to the moon would be harsh. I would disagree. What would be harsh is sending them to the gym. Why, you might ask? They may go for a week or two and then give up due to the plain atmosphere, lack of sugary foods, and hulk-like meatheads walking around. This would throw anybody off. Also, consider their extreme laziness; it’s almost as embarrassing as their ability to run on a treadmill.

Exercising on the moon is a motivational strategy that will propel the overweight people into action. No more will they feel self-conscious and judged by all the normal people at the gym. Their fear will dwindle because they will be able to lift heavier weights. The decrease in gravity will allow the obese to enjoy themselves as they develop a newfound strength. They may be more apt to lift weights and exercise because the fatties weigh much less, making the moon a more comfortable fitness environment. Or they might lounge around and find ways to eat the moon because they think it’s cheese, but hey, who knows with these people?

Until recently, obesity did not affect as many people as it does today, and therefore did not pose a huge threat to the population. The increased amounts of chemicals and artificially flavored ingredients in our foods have subsequently raised the obesity rate. I don’t believe there is anyone to blame here (capitalism actually) besides the fatties themselves (no, really, capitalism is a big reason).  (How could you blame them? Have you had a spicy McChicken? They are to die for. Literally, they are to die for because people die when they eat too many.)

On the topic of food, the diets obese people follow are grossly unhealthy. It’s like they don’t even know that vegetables exist. Newsflash, tubbies, there is more to life than cream encased in yellow spongy goodness. Sending corpulent people up to the moon will allow them to experiment with a different diet. They may enjoy several of the types of healthy space food they are forced to eat given the lack of fast food restaurants in outer space. Ah, the beauty of this solution! 

Shipping portly people to the moon would also save our environment. Could you fathom the amount of oxygen they must be taking up just by living here? The constant wheezing just to get up from the couch to grab another 64-ounce soda must be grueling. The environment may not be able to take much more of this. I’m only thinking about the planet here. You wouldn’t want your grandkids to grow up not seeing a single tree because some heavy folks sucked all the oxygen out of the air.

Something must change. Obese people pose a plethora of problems. You get tired of lookin’ at ‘em—they refuse to exercise because they are lazy, they suck the oxygen out of the air, and they eat crap that is so processed that Upton Sinclair and Rachel Carson would turn in their graves. Our only hope for humanity is to send them to the moon. Or maybe we could just invest in exercise programs and cheaper, healthier food options, but what do I know.