The memories I have are very faint… Well I don’t know if they are memories, dreams, or nightmares.  But I do remember things from my past with my family. I always seem to remember one time imparticular, when I used to live with my biological mother.  There was one time when I was with my brother and sister and we all wanted to go to the store down the street from my mother’s house.  My siblings and I were arguing non-stop because I couldn’t figure out if I wanted to ride on my brother’s scooter with him, or with my sister on her bike.  I always seem to remember that one time but nothing else… I don’t know if it is supposed to be some sort of sign to me or what?  I think it has been fourteen years, or since I was two years old since I have seen my biological mother.  I can’t even remember what she looks like or what she was even like.  Maybe it’s because I was so young when I left? Or maybe I didn’t want to remember her?  Who knows…?  Every day now I think to myself why…? Why has all these things in my life happened to me?  Were they supposed to or did I just make a lot of wrong decsions?  I just don’t know what to think or do anymore.  Every day I feel that I have to go through so much just to accomplish a little.  School is always a challenge; just having to get up for school is hard.  Then having to go throughout all the classes and work there is so much to focus on.  Then the biggest thing in my life I have to worry about; something I am honestly good at is sports, especially football it gives me something to do or some place to go like a different mindset so that I can take out my anger and frustration when I am actually allowed to.  I really think that football is a big help in my life.  I have been told multiple times that my anger is really bad and that I can snap really quickly on people.  I have been trying my best to not let what has happened to me in my life get to me but sometimes off the field it just comes out and either it is good or bad but most of the time it is bad.  It really upsets me when I see other people’s lives and how they live or what they have that I don’t.  It all just makes me so angry I have to let the anger out, which is why I play football but sometimes I end up letting the anger out on people before or even after football.  I just don’t like being that kid who had their mother walk out on them when they were two years old.  But it only helps a little that my father found another women, who is now his wife to take care of me all those years when I was younger.  I still only think of her as my stepmother because I know my biological mother is still out there but I would like to think of it as not having an actual mother because I have been without my actual one for my whole life basically.  It is actually what keeps my drive going for the game of football.  Football is such a beautiful thing, sometimes I think to myself that the game of football was made for people like me.  I do so many things for the reason of the sport football.  I go to school so I can play football; I strengthen and condition myself so I can play football. I eat so I can play football; I watch certain things like film dealing with football so I can have more drive for the game.  It gets to an everyday routine or habit of doing things dealing with football.  Every morning I wake up I thank the lord for letting me live another day, then I go through a whole day of school, and then to a long practice. By the end of the day I am worn out and just want to sleep but then I think to myself there is still more that I can do to accomplish even more and be better than I was today.  I continue to just want to drive for success but sometimes fatigue gets the best of me and I end up not being better or even as good as I was the day before.  After all that I just wish I knew what to do to make my life at least a little bit easier.  I want answers to my problems; it just seems so hard to get them.  Why did my mother abandon me…?  Where did she go?  Was I not good enough for her?  I just don’t get it; she could have at least waited till I was older and could actually understand what she did and why she did it.  I just wish she could have put more of a fight into keeping me as I fight for the things I want.  I don’t think most kids know what it feels like to lose one of your parents at the age of 2 and even worse the one who gave birth to you.  I have lost so much in my life but I tend to gain so much back in my future and will continue to do so.  I have lost basically two parenting figures in my life; one to death and one to just leaving me on my own with my father and his girlfriend at a very young age, but also losing my siblings as a kid.  My uncle LeBron was an amazing person compared to anyone else in my life, he was like my second father when my actual father wasn’t there.  That was literally one of the hardest things I could have gone through as a kid.  The day my family was notified, was the first time I had ever seen my father cry and which let me know that the pain was unbearable.  I went so long wondering to myself why it had to be him to go, what did he do wrong to deserve death?  It just makes me think to myself that it could be me next to go.  You never know; yes I have done things in my life that I shouldn’t have but does that mean I deserve death for it?  I believe people make mistakes and God should be able to forgive them and let them get another chance.  Things are just made so much harder being an only child growing up.  Not having that one person to depend on for help with homework or to be able to play with.  That’s something I didn’t have again with not having my siblings when I really needed them.  I do believe my life has gotten a little better but these are still some thing’s that cause me pain and suffering.  But the one thing I always turn back to is myself and football.  I have much success in football and always will until I get too old to play it.  The reason why I like working so hard for football is because I truly love it with all my heart.  Football is what keeps my heart pumping; if I didn’t have the skills and talents to be great at football then I honestly think I wouldn’t have much value on this earth.  I am not that smart of a person and school is something that I am not very fond of; it just does not interest me to have the drive to keep doing it if it was the only choice I had.  Not very many people know how my mind works or what all goes through my head.  I honestly think there are some things wrong with myself.  I’m not sure what it is called but I might have a disorder dealing with multiple different personalities, because I act different around certain people.  Or maybe it’s just me trying to fit in; I’m not really sure.  But that also makes things even harder on me with having to try so hard with so many different people to try and fit in.  I don’t really like the thought of having to change myself for others just to like me but I guess I have been doing it for so long I am just used to doing it.  For instance my friends at school act certain ways, so when I am with them I try to act like them so I can actually say I have friends even though I don’t really believe many of them truly are.  One thing I do know is I understand the way I change or act around people I love though.  I know the way my parent’s act, along with my family and my girlfriend so when I am around them then I think I can act like my normal self and feel comfortable with the way things are with those special people.  I love these people and they love me when I act like the normal me.  So that is the way shall be treated by me.  But now on to something else that has just made my life much more of a bumpy or exciting adventure.  My girlfriend; she is like the most beautiful thing in the world I have laid my eyes on, she loves me and I love her.  My girlfriend and I have this sort of connection with each other in everything that we do or say.  I don’t know how I was able to find someone as great as her.  She is a tall, dirty blonde, who unfortunately goes to my rival school; but is sixteen years old in the eleventh grade.  Onika and I have known each other since December of the 2013-2014 year.  We started dating May 23rd two days before her birthday which was a big surprise to her and her family.  Her mother absolutely loves me actually her whole family does.  I do have times where I worry about her father not liking me but I’m sure if I am keeping his daughter happy then he will be happy with me.  Her family is literally like another family to me; they welcome me at any time.  Like for instance when I do go to their house I just love being there because I love being in their presence.  But it saddens me when I am just sitting there in class sometimes and I don’t know why but I will start to think about all the times I am getting hurt by her or all the negative times I have had with her.  I don’t think about the happy and fun times too much because I am so worried that I am going to get hurt or something is going to happen again.  I sat there one night in my basement thinking... It seems to me that’s all I am ever doing now is thinking because most of the time I don’t know if I am doing the right thing or not.  But then it’s even harder when she catches me off in that stare and ask me what’s on my mind; and because there is so much on my mind I don’t want to say the wrong thing.  But I know if I don’t tell her anything she’ll be upset or think I am hiding something from her.  I just have so much running through my mind I don’t even know what to think myself!!!  I try to be there for so many other people especially when they are weak and need help but I am not even stable so who am I to try and help those people.  But then what makes matters even worse she gets the feeling that I don’t support her as much as I give other people attention.  How do I fix all of this?  What would you do…?  It feels like to me that my mind is trying to play tricks on me.  I honestly have times where I just sit and think to myself, why am I still with her.  But then I also think to myself I do know why I am still with her; because I have too many feelings for her, it’s just those cute things that she does for me to cheer me up.  I actually have someone who can do things for me now, like bringing me food for lunch at school or going out of her way to just come see me for a couple hours.  Whatever she does wrong it’s never easy to just walk away from her; there is always something deep down inside that brings me back to reality. After going through so much pain with her now I feel that I love her again, and I hope I can trust her and have the same feelings I had for her before.  Every time I see her or am with her it’s like I don’t know what to think.  I have just been crushed, my heart feels like it’s been torn out stomped on picked up thrown to the ground and then stomped on again.  After so much time I come to find out that my girlfriend’s best friend has caught feelings for me and now I have lost a friend.  It just doesn’t make sense to me; why does things have to be so damn difficult, I mean they both are very beautiful and I can’t just chose because I already have found the one I love.  I can’t just let that go all because her best friend caught feelings for me.  Maybe I was too nice to her maybe she thought I was flirting when I wasn’t even trying to.  What in God’s name am I supposed to do I don’t want to lose either of them. After taking the time to think through this I have come to the conclusion of my situation. It was a very hard decision but it needed to be made. I went on for days thinking; trying to figure out what the right decision would be or which one I would regret.  It kind of scares me when I have to make certain decisions because I don’t want to make the wrong one, knowing that the other choice could have been better.  It also does not help with me having the problems of anxiety, and really bad anger.  I do not see why it is so hard to not worry about things so much.  But I just can’t seem to get over a lot of things.  It also does not help when other things keep popping up making decisions and life for me even harder.  When it all comes down to it I don’t want to mess up and make the wrong decision.  I wish I could have just a little more support from the people around me.  I am not trying to discourage anyone because there are some people in my life who actually do care and help, I just wish I had more people like that in my life.  I would really like to say I have a lot of friends that I can trust; like almost with my life.  But right now I can probably only use two hands to name those people that I trust.  Because if it is like this now I can only imagine how it is going to be in college with there being more people and more things that could happen or go wrong.  There has been a lot going on lately with me getting ready for college trying to plan out my future and deal with the present it’s just all so much.  I just wish I could fast forward a little bit but I also wish to live a long fun and happy life.  But one last thing, how about you take the time to think about your life so far; when you’re thinking about that turn back to this quote from Ray Lewis a former NFL linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens.
“If tomorrow was not promised, then what would you give for today?”