Hi my name is Benjamin, but people call me Ben. I’m thirty five years old and currently living by myself in Salem, New Hampshire in a big empty house. My mother comes and visits me from time to time to make sure I’m ok. I took a leave of absence from my job to clear my mind and deal with the tragedy that has taken a very big toll on my life. My mother is forcing me to go to therapy so I can start living my life normally again, but I don't think that will ever happen. Today is the day I go to see the therapist, Dr. Wilson. I dont want to talk about the most awful and tragic day of my life. I’m convinced that my life will never be the same and that this guilt I have with me will stay there forever.

On my way to therapy there was not a single thought running through my head. I felt lifeless, unable to speak. I didnt even know how I was driving. Finally, I arrive at the office and check in with the front desk. The second I stepped foot in the waiting room I wanted to turn around and never come back. I wanted to hide in my house like I have been doing for the past year. I find the courage in me to get words out of my mouth to talk to the nice lady at the desk. She told me to sit down and wait for my name to be called by one of the assistants. I sat on the hard wooden chairs and waited. I felt like I was waiting forever until I heard a soft voice call my name I looked up to find a small young women with the brightest eyes I have ever seen. She escorted me into my small room that surprisingly made me feel a little bit better. She wrote some stuff down on a clipboard she was tightly holding then looked up at me with those eyes and told me Dr. Wilson will be right in. The door shut quietly and I waited there; again.

The longer I waited, the more anxiety started to fill my body. After waiting hours it felt like, the door slowly opened and it was Dr. Wilson. A tall man with a full head of chocolate brown curly hair. He came over and shook my hand firmly and introduced himself. I did the same back. He started to ask me basic questions about me, like what do i do for work? What do I do in my free time? Do I have any pets? And finally the big question was popped. “So Ben what brings you in here today, what has been bothering you?” I didn't want to answer. I just sat there and looked at him with this glazed look. He finally assured me that whatever that was bugging me that I could tell him about it, he wouldn't tell anyone the pain i'm going through or how hard this has been for me. I know I had to do something about my awful situation so I finally began to tell him.

A year ago today, I lost my wife named Sarah. She was my best friend, we did absolutely everything together. She was thirty three. So young and so innocent how could someone that young leave this world so early. She had her whole life ahead of her I still dont understand. I had just got home from a long day at work and walked in to our new house to find her doing the dishes and preparing for dinner. I walked over and gave her a long passionate kiss and started to help her finish the dishes. When dinner was over I asked her if she wanted to go for a motorcycle ride, it was one of our favorite things to do together. She rejected me in the nicest way possible insisting she had to clean up the house and the mess from dinner. I begged and begged her to go take a quick ride to the beach and finally she gave in and we made our way to the beach. It was around 4:30pm when we arrived so the sun was just starting to set. We parked at one of those Meters and I put in 5 dollars which would get us about three hours. We made our way down the the beach and found that we were the only people there. She laid out a blanket so we could sit down without getting all sandy.

We just sat there and talked for two hours. About what our next step in life would be. Kids? pets? We wanted it all. We stood up and got ready to leave. Before we got onto the bike she gave me a long slow kiss. Our last kiss. Its like she knew something was going to happen. on our way back there was no traffic at all, we were the only ones on the highway. Suddenly we heard a loud engine coming our way. I looked in my mirror and then it happened. A car hit us and that was the last thing I could remember. I woke up the next morning in the hospital with my arm and leg in casts and slings and staples in my head. I didn't know what had happened. I was clueless my only worry was where my wife was, where's sarah? A nurse came rushing into my room and tried to calm me down, but it wasn’t working. I just wanted to see her, hear her voice anything just to know she was ok. I finally calmed down and the doctor who cared for me came in and sat next to my bed. He looked at me with a stern look and just stared. I stared confused as to what he was doing. Finally he said I'm really sorry but.. I cut him off and screamed in his face. No she didn't die, Shes alive. shes at the house right now waiting for me to get home from work. I was convinced this was a dream. With my mom at my bed side we started crying together.

Sitting in the chair across from Dr. Wilson I couldn't find the strength in me to look up at him. Multiple tears ran down my face. I started to say over and over again that it was my fault. I lived and she didnt. I should have died not her. She had so much going for her, a nice smart young women with a dream to become a pediatric nurse and work with children. All I did was sit at a desk all day. The guilt has been overpowering my life for the past year and I haven't been functionable. Dr. Wilson looked at me and told me I shouldnt blame myself for the death of my wife or it would kill me for the rest of my life. He said “from the sound of it your wife would have wanted you to be happy and move on. Don't hang onto such an awful thing and try to move on with your life and try to make things better.” I looked at him so blank he was probably beginning to think I was slow. I guess it would be nice getting out of the house every now and then but I still couldn't get over the amount of guilt I had in me. The doctor told me the guilt will gradually get better as time goes on but it will never completely go away. This is something I would have to live with for the rest of my life. as our hour and a half session came to an end, I rose from my chair and started to exit the room. Dr. Wilson opened the door for me and stood in front of me and wouldn't let me pass. I looked at him puzzled and he whispered to me “ everything gets better over time don't let it control your life.” Those words will stick with me forever.

On my way home from my appointment I decided to go visit my wife. I make the sharpest turn and make my way for the cemetery. As I pull into the narrow streets of the cemetery I see her grave stone. A charcoal grey color with the words “A loving wife” on the back. I park my car, take a deep breath and make my way towards her. Last time I’ve been to her grave was the day she was buried. I didn't have the strength in me to face what i have done. I knelt down in front of the grave and its almost like i could feel her with me. I felt a good feeling, almost like she was telling me everything was ok and I need to stop feeling so guilty. I smiled a gentle smile and slowly got up. I was so grateful to have her in my life and I know she would have wanted me to be happy.