The Sunshine Girl
“Sometimes blood isn’t [sic] thicker than water and family will cross you quicker than water.”
-Anonymous
Betrayal hurts the worst when it comes from those who are supposed to love you unconditionally, from those who are supposed to support and protect you. The sad truth of life is that trust is a beautiful lie, and that though it is said that what does not kill you makes you stronger, some scars are incapable of healing.
The little girl with the sunshine hair and the sad blue eyes was nine years old when she made the decision that the day she turned eighteen: she was leaving, forever. It had been another of one of those “bad nights”. The “bad nights” were nights when she was put second to the man her mother had brought into the house, the man she thought of as the soldier. At first, he had seemed ok, always smiling at her and bringing gifts. He was kind to her sister as well. But of course, as the all of the good thing in the sunshine girl’s life did, he later changed. And as always, the little girl with the sunshine hair and her little sister were ignored and used.
In next few months as the news of a new baby, a boy, and a random proposal was given, the little girl thought maybe things would go back to the way they had used to be. For this man, the soldier, would not be her mother’s second husband; he would be her third.
The little girl could not remember her father, though she was told often she looked like him. Her parents had gotten divorced shortly after her younger sister’s birth, so the sunshine girl never got the chance to know him. He was still alive so she was told, but he lived very far away and did not have time for her.
The man who her mother married next was the only man the little girl had thought of as her father, the only man she had called daddy. This man and the girl’s mother had been married for many years, and the girl had been so happy when they got married because the man had two children of his own; a boy and a girl. The little girl now had an older brother and sister. The sunshine girl’s new older siblings lived with their mother, but they visited their father and his new family often. The sunshine girl was always happy during these visits; she loved having an older brother who taught her new and fun things to do like climb trees and how to do a handstand without toppling onto her face. For those few years, the girl was happy.
But as she grew older, she began to understand that everyone else was not as happy as she. Late at night she would hear the fights. Those loud, cursed words that would ring through her young ears and bring the blazingly hot tears that would streak down her face. On those nights, the girl would hold her doll close and hide under her blankets, letting the blessed darkness surround and comfort her. This was the beginning of how the sunshine girl began to be dark.
Years passed and the girl’s father and her older brother and sister were taken from her. The divorce had been finalized so quickly that the sunshine girl never got to say goodbye.
After this had happened, her mother changed. No longer did she seem to care for her children the way she had before. This was the first time she had known true loneliness, and it was the first time her heart was broken. She did not understand what she had done wrong. Every little girl will eventually get her heart broken, but to have it done so young to one so innocent was too much for the sunshine girl. The loneliness the sunshine girl felt those first few months nearly destroyed her. The color vanished from her world. The sky that used to inspire and amaze her with its many colors and faces no longer made her dream of flying. Instead it made her feel trapped.
The things the sunshine girl’s mother said and let happen to her became worse as time went by. The marriage of her mother and the soldier had been only the beginning. The girl’s mother did not protect her when the soldier turned angry, and hit her and threw things and yelled. When the sunshine girl cried, she was called weak, so she learned to not cry. Every time she tried to speak she was told to learn her place and be quiet, so the sunshine girl learned to silent.
Years would pass this way for the girl, with each turn of the moon she grew darker and darker inside. No longer were her smiles real. No longer could she find it inside of her to be truly happy, it was as if a part of her had died. When the soldier too left, a small part of the little girl had hoped for change, for the chance of happiness again. She was wrong of course. Another man came and went, things only got worse.
The sunshine girl grew sadder and sicker with every year that passed, and she was sent to a doctor to figure out what was wrong with her. What the sunshine girl had told the doctor had broken the man’s heart, for she had told of the writhing darkness she felt inside. She had told him of the times when she would stare at the wall for hours, unmoving, while tears fell silently down her cheeks. The doctor had tried to help the little girl, told her mother what he felt needed to change in order for the little girl to be able to be happy and heal, and for a while things did get better. The sunshine girl almost learned to be happy again. It was not to be.
The sunshine girl continued to grow older, always with the same goal in mind; counting the years until she could leave and never look back. She learned to control the darkness inside of her that had long ago turned from sadness into a mass of burning black rage. She learned to hide herself from the world, preferring to wait until she could escape instead of trying to seek help. She had learned long ago that in the end, her mother was not going to allow her to get the help she needed.
Despite her efforts, there still remained days when getting out of bed were hard for the girl, and she had to remind herself that in order to get away, she had to make it through each day. She refused to allow her past to make her into kind of person she felt lurking in the shadows of her heart. She would get away, far away, and make a better life for herself. She would teach herself to be happy again and learn to love the world she had for so long hidden herself from.
The sunshine girl’s mother preferred to pretend the past had never happened; going on with life as if the sunshine girl had never been sick or hurt. The sunshine girl despised her for this, but from it learned to not allow her past to control her. She would rid herself of the darkness, and be the sunshine girl once more.