Thinking about this makes me nauseous. The pain in my stomach was worse than the cramps I get when it’s that time of the month. We told each other that we could talk about anything, but never did the talk ever get this deep. It was the first time we opened up to each other about something that meant a lot. I wish more people could talk to me about deep things like me and my close friends do. I started to notice that my family and friend read me as different things. I’ll start with my family, one side views me as “spoiled”. Meanwhile the other side sees me as a “daddy’s girl / his little princess.” But throughout all of their opinions, I get the sense that to my close friends, all I am to them is the “lucky one”. Lucky one is defined as fortunate and lucky’s antonym is unfortunate, or unlucky. I never really saw myself as either of these even though you could consider me as both. During the moment when I realized I have something they don’t, really made me put a different perspective on things. I realized that I am one of very few in my circle of friends that has their father full time and present in life.
The first time in my life where I put two and two together was back as a child. It was just another normal day at school. It was the middle of the year; I was a tall, but happy 4th grader. There was nothing out of the ordinary about that day; so I thought. As the day went on and it was just about the time for recess I noticed my friend’s family in the hallways. Not knowing what it was about I continued what I was doing and went to recess. When the noon bell rang letting all the rowdy classmates that recess was over, all the kids wandered their way back in to the class rooms. Soon after my wondering mind of why exactly my friend’s family was filed in the hallway was answered. My teacher made an announcement saying my friend’s family was in an accident and he was going to be gone for the rest of the day. Well not only was he gone for the rest of the day but he was gone for the rest of the month. Every day there would be that one kid who always asked where he was, and questioned even if he was going to come back to school. His cubby became cold and abandoned for that month, hoping to be greeted by his smile as he would put away his belongings. During the month the class that my friend attended was asked to make cards and posters for my friend in this difficult time. Results of the accident had led to the death of his grandfather, dad and cousin. Nobody saw it coming and that was the scariest part of it all.
During the first couple of years, he didn’t really talk about the accident. If I were to ask him anything about it today, considering how close that has made us, he’d have no problem with answering it. At that moment I started to think about how much some of us have it better than others, or how if one factor in your life was changed, how different your life could possibly be. As I started my days as a teenager, I was exposed to a lot more things in the world. When some more of my friends started to share with me that their dads had passed too, or that their family was splitting and they were staying with their moms, I didn’t know how to relate. I was still young minded and didn’t understand how great it is to have a father present in my life.
My friends and I always talked about how any guy can be a dad, but it takes a real man to be a father. I can name more of my friends, which are fatherless, than I can count how many fingers I have. Crazy, huh? When times are rough and I tell my fatherless friends “I hate my dad”, I’ve always have this thought that in their head they say “at least you still have one”. And to be honest my life would be completely different if I didn’t have him. From decision making to the support any girl like myself would desire. I swear talking about this sometimes hits home. While you wake up every day, preparing yourself just as if it was another day and suddenly it’s not. Your brain has a party of all the things you cherished with him, from your first steps, to playing catch with him. Or you have brain flashes of how the future could have been, like him whistling at your graduation as you walk the stage. Thinking that’d be the man who would help you pick out your tux or walk you down the aisle. But to some people not having a father triggers the simple things, just to think that on every Father’s Day or their dad’s birthday that passes, they can’t share that day with who they would want to. They reminisce while I think how “lucky” I am to have friends like them.
I try to cherish the little moments while being the support system people know I can be. I hurt for those who lack in having a father because there’s nothing like having a relationship with a person who has a father figure like mentality. From being a mighty guy, protector, brave, role model, discipliner, fighter, encourager, coach, builder, teacher, lover, supporter, and to some little boy or girl, that their “hero”. So they might miss out on having a father but having supportive friends, makes up for the loss. We have each other. But I can’t say I can one hundred percent relate when I’m not on the fatherless roster. I just pray when the time comes, I won’t have any regrets because you never know if life will take a turn for the worst. So hope for the best, prepare yourself for the worst and be grateful that things are the way they are, because they could be a lot worse. He may be physically without a dad, but he will never be one hundred percent fatherless. Their spirits always lives.