{Our lives are a sum total of the choices we have made.}
I couldn’t look down . Down there where my life had turned for the worse. The thought of the blood, the body, and that moist and that stained grass down there below me. My life could never be the way it was.


That day was windy. A cool breeze carried the leaves through the air and my brown hair was pulled back by that gust. The birds flew high through the sky and their wings flapped like the sound of a heartbeat. Slow and steady. My friends and I started toward my house. As we walked through my door, I felt my stomach drop because I heard the wine bottles clanking. I pulled my friends upstairs to my room as quickly as I could because I knew of the beast that was awakening.



Time passed when I suddenly heard noises coming from downstairs. The beast was awakened and alive. I couldn’t let my friends see him this way. So I had to quickly rush them downstairs and out the door. They looked at me strange like I was an alien from a distant planet. They knew something was up but I didn’t really care I just wanted to get them out of my house so that I could have my reputation spared. But then I heard the creak of the kitchen door upon my ears. There the monster slipped out tripping and sliding on our polished wood floors. We then entered the presence of the beast.

“Hello girls!” He slurred out of his mouth. “How are my girl’s only friends?” The embarrassment flushed over me. He kept talking to them but neither my friends nor I could understand the language he was speaking and my friends were becoming uncomfortable. Suddenly anger and sadness was building up inside of me and my mind was going to explode. So I finally just pushed them out the door.






I wanted to start yelling at my father but I knew he didn’t know what he was doing like a baby, reckless and clueless. And I loved him.
Why’d your friends leave so early? They sure did seem nice.” He then attempted to hug me but I tried to doge it and I failed. He then whispered into my ear saying
“Joy you are the greatest daughter ever! I love you so much!” Then he slipped and scurried back into the kitchen. This was my normal.





Hours passed. The birds weren’t chirping their normal joyous song. The moon was full and shining bright. My ears suddenly heard stumbling footsteps coming up the stairs and through the hallway and the opening of the doors to the balcony. The fear was bubbling up inside me. Suddenly I got up and rushed to the thing that was about to be gone forever; the one person who loved me the most in this world. I swung the double doors open to be greeted by a loud haunting thud. Life at that moment was crushed. Tears began to stream down my face. I couldn’t think; I couldn’t speak.




The birds never flew in the sky anymore. The wind had ceased to blow. All my emotions no longer existed. My friends had left me when I really needed them the most. But my friend Tom was the only one there for me.



Being broken like this made me see people differently. My mother was weak. My friends were cowards. And Tom was different he was caring, loving, and thoughtful. I’d never noticed him that way before.


“Joy are you doing ok?” he just stared at me like he actually wanted to know. I tried to push out all the words in my head out of my mouth but all I could say was,
“I’m trying to be Tom, I’m really trying.” Finally I just let my emotional walls down. I just started to cry. Tom then just started to hug me. He knew I was broken and alone. But we both didn’t know that I’d never be that joyous and happy girl I was. Tom was the only one that kept me going.




That day was cloudy with fog everywhere. The sun was trying to come out but it just couldn’t come out but it just couldn’t get through all the mess in the air. There was warmth but it still felt very cold. By myself I walked home from school that day. Then I heard my phone ring. It was Tom’s mother. She told me Tom had suddenly fallen ill and was going into hospice. I slowly hung up the phone. I couldn’t breathe. All my thoughts began to scramble. My whole body just started to shake, so I just began to run. I sprinted straight towards my house as fast I could, swung the door open and slammed it behind me. Racing up the stairs like a runner with no finish line, I rushed to my room with tears streaming down my face and tore the open the door and just started to knock down everything in my path. Was I becoming another form of the beast? At that moment, I thought of my father. My soul couldn’t strive without his presence in my life, so I made the ominous walk toward those balcony double doors. As I turned those gold door knobs, I kept telling myself
“This is not the right thing to do. You are just under a lot of stress.” But my feet kept moving onto that balcony.



I looked out upon the city, upon the big wilted oak tree that my daddy had planted when I was born, upon the grass, and I just asked myself
“Are you really gonna do this?”





Then I started to lean forward, moving closer to my bed for eternity, when I suddenly heard the flapping of wings and a faint chirping noise. One single bird flew across the sky. Then I remembered that day. The day he went away from my life, many birds soared through the sky in that memory. Was this a sign from heaven? Was this my daddy telling me no? Maybe he wanted me to live my life. Maybe he wanted me to make him proud. Should I live or die. This was my choice.

{Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives.}