Am I worth it? Have I ever been worth it? My parents don't think so, so why would I believe anything different?
My name is Annabelle Swanson, I am 18 years old, and I suffer from Anorexia. My parents think that I do it to get attention, my friends think I do it to feel pretty, my ex-boyfriend thinks that it's his fault. But it's no ones fault but my own, they can't control me, no one can, I'm a train wreck. My entire life surrounds food and eating. When I wake up in the morning it's a struggle to ignore the stomach pains and get ready for school. It's my last year of high school and this THING has been going on since Freshman year. I really don't know how it all started but I think it was because I was overweight my whole life and I had finally had enough.
Ever since I was a little girl, my family thought food was the answer to all of their problems, my dad used to think pasta and meat sauce would make my smile turn upside down. Don't get me wrong, it did, but after 14 years of shopping in the plus size section I got tired of it. When I went into middle school things got bad, I was teased everyday for my weight and my curly frizzy hair. I didn't know what to do, and I couldn't tell my parents, they would call the school and make a big scene, than I would forever be known as the "tattle-tale" in school. That was the last thing I needed. We'll somehow they found out and I couldn't figure out how they did.
One day in 7th grade, I was sitting in Ms. Newman's English class reading, and over the loudspeaker I heard "Annabelle Swanson please report to the principals office." All of my classmates looked up from what they were doing and joined in a chorus of "oooohhhhhsss". They all pointed and laughed and I felt very alone. Ms.Newman shushed the class and dismissed me with a look of pity on her face, I hated that look, all the teachers gave it to me. It was as if they knew what went on, but they didn't do anything to stop it. They thought shooting me apologetic looks when the other students were busy was enough. If only they knew what I was like now. Would they feel bad knowing that they could have done something all those years ago? It wouldn't have made a difference either way.
As I walked down the hallway to the principals office, some of the 8th grade boys pretended to throw up when they saw me. I hid my face the best I could behind my frizzy stray pieces of hair that fell around my face. I adjusted my glasses as I opened the door to the main office, Mrs Potters,the receptionist at the front desk smiled at me. She pointed towards a tall wooden door, with a nameplate on the front of it which said “Dr Gates".
He was probably one of the scariest men I had ever met in my life and I knew he didn't like me. He thought I was weak and that I shouldn't let what the other kids say get to me. He was in the military and he didn't have any children, so he didn't know any better advice to give than to say "suck it up" and give you a hard slap on the back that he considered comforting, but would later form a scar. I reached for the door handle and took a deep breath, when I opened it I saw the back of two heads. I walked over and sat down in a dusty and uncomfortable chair in the corner of the office. I looked up and saw my parents looking at me with disappointed glares and sadness glazing their eyes over.

Dr. Gates sat down in his chair and began talking, my father looked away to talk with him, my mother never looked away from me throughout the entire meeting.I said maybe two words throughout the entire meeting, and it was about an hour long. I had nothing to say, my mother took my cell phone, not that I cared, I had no friends to call or text anyway.Now that I mention it, I don’t have any friends at all, everyone hates me, and if they don’t hate me, they make fun of me, to protect them The only thing I would miss was my music but I have my old IPod that I can listen to.
My mother took my phone for two months, she knew that I didn't care. She made me try out for the cheerleading squad and of course everyone laughed at me. The head cheerleader gave me a fake routine that she knew I couldn't do, and of course I made a fool out of myself and everyone laughed and teased me about it for two weeks.
The rest of 7th grade was terrible, I was teased everyday and it only got progressively worse.
Eighth grade came around and honestly I couldn't have dreaded it more. I am dreading this year even more than I was last year. I really hope this year goes by faster , if it doesn’t I won’t be able to deal at all. I wondered what I did to deserve all of this, I had been a decent kid my entire life, I've never even had a detention, I've never failed a class, and I've never done drugs or drank alcohol.In fact alcohol scares me, and im too much of a good kid to get involved with drugs, even though I’ve been offered them countless times. I started becoming depressed, my parents starting fighting more and it became so loud sometimes the neighbors would call the police. My dad had been arrested about three times since the start of the year and it's only November. I really hate the holidays and they're approaching fast, if you wanna know why I hate them it's because all of my very large and very loud Italian family comes to visit and I can’t stand any of them. 8
8th grade came and went, I gained four pounds and lost one, I began to eat my feelings and emotions. My parents decided that it was time for me to see a nutritionist. My mother had made an appointment with someone who was recommended by her coworkers. About a month later I was on a "special diet", which was basically a safe way to avoid calling me fat. I tried my very best to lose the weight and I did. I lost 30 pounds but I didn't look or feel any different. My clothes were baggy on me and I didn't have so much acne but I still felt gross and worthless.

As freshman year began, the bullying was just as bad as it was in middle school. The new principal had already met with me two times because I skipped classes. Could you blame me though? I could barely pay attention in class because of all the whispered threats and kids taunting me, so why would I bother to show up.I saw a girl in the hallway one day, she was literally as thin as a rail and you could see the outline of her ribcage through her t-shirt. She had dark purple bags under her eyes that were covered with a thick layer of concealer but you could still easily see them. She looked exhausted and very pale. I didn't think she was in my grade, and she didn't know anything about me, so I walked up to her, and tried to make a good impression.
"Uhm...Hi Im Annabelle."
The girl turned around and looked at me, she smiled softly and says "Hi, I'm Claudia."
I asked her a few questions, and she answered and asked me a few. We had a lot in common besides the fact that she was the size that I had wanted to be for so long, and for some reason I couldn't achieve it. She was actually a freshman just like me, but she had moved to Connecticut from Nevada and she didn't know anyone.
For the first time in my life, I felt like I had a friend, someone to talk with, someone to share secrets with, someone to talk about boys with...I finally had a friend, little did I know that having Claudia as a friend would hurt me more than it would help me.

Claudia and I became inseparable, we went over each others houses and had sleepovers like normal teenage girls. We loved being together and I was so happy that she didn't care what size jeans I was. She liked me for me. In the back of my mind there was always a lingering curiosity about why she was so skinny, and why I never saw her eat more than apples and water.
One day I decided to ask her,as we were walking home from school .I looked at her and said "Claudia, can I ask you something, something sort of important?"
Claudia nods her head and I said "How did you get so skinny?"
Claudia took a deep breath and says "I will tell you, but promise me that you won't tell anyone ok? Not your parents, not the principal, and especially not my parents. Got it?"
I nodded my head, and she started explaining it all to me. Something in my head clicked, and from that day on, i've suffered from anorexia. It wasn't easy trust me, I would starve myself for days and days and cry myself to sleep from the pains in my stomach. I worked out and went for runs everyday twice a day, I got sick a lot and stayed home from school. I would jog to the park and do things I wish i could take back.
Anorexia... Anorexia has left a permanent scar on my life. I still have anorexia and I dread every minute of my life because of it. Its ruined friendships, its ruined relationships, its created barriers in my life that I want so desperately to break.

I wish the pain would go away, I wish my body would let me have food and keep it down, I wish my body would let me eat and enjoy the taste of the food instead of counting the calories and obsessing over how much sugar is in something.
I, Annabelle Swanson suffer from anorexia, and its something so terrible i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I wouldn't wish it on anyone in the world. No one deserves to go through this pain, but I guess I just have to endure it.
This was my story... Anorexia is my life, my life is Anorexia.