Obesity is a BIG problem here in the United States. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more than 35% of adults in this nation are obese, and the estimated annual medical cost of obesity tops 147 billion dollars. This outbreak of fatness is ridiculous. And what is our government doing to prevent this? It’s relabeling the food pyramid so that pizza is considered a vegetable! Instead of encouraging children to eat healthy, leafy greens that cleanse their body, the government has bent the guidelines so that a slice of greasy, oily junk food is considered healthy. Although this maneuver allows Americans to temporarily cheat themselves from eating beneficial food, they will ultimately suffer the consequences of obesity. This will not do.
The solution is not difficult. We can’t just encourage people to lead healthier lifestyles. We must force them to. Through regular exercise and balanced diets, the people of America can rise above obesity as well as the diseases that accompany it (such as heart attacks and diabetes). I have a plan.
I propose that every week we hold a nationally televised event called the Hungry Games that every citizen of the United States will be required to watch. In these games, one hundred obese participants, one girl and one boy randomly chosen from each state, will be thrown together in a dangerous arena to fight to the death (although I suspect that in their poor physical condition, they will be too busy trying to avoid booby traps and bloodthirsty beasts to be able to do much harm to one another). These participants will fall between the ages of ten and eighteen and have a body mass index greater than thirty. The final survivor of the games will receive – drumroll, please – a lifetime supply of vitamins! This will enforce the idea that everyone in America must remain fit and healthy, even the winners, who will receive a plaque in the Hall of Fame for the Hungry Games and forever be honored.
Just as the ancient Romans threw people to the lions in their famous “bread and circuses,” America will have a new form of entertainment in the Hungry Games. Wouldn’t you be rather amused to see a morbidly obese boy desperately waddling away from a monstrous grizzly bear that plans on ripping him to shreds? Or to witness a chubby girl panting and sweating as a fire erupts all around her? You and your friends and coworkers can choose your favorite candidates and bet on who will be the last one standing. Who knows? You might win a fortune. May the odds be ever in your favor.
The main goal, however, is to drastically reduce the obesity rate as well as the death toll from obesity-related illnesses. Currently, according to the National Institute of Health, there are 300,000 deaths per year resulting from the obesity epidemic in the United States, while according to my calculations, only 5,148 deaths will occur annually in my plan. Instead of showing Americans photos of impossibly thin, photoshopped models that discourage and dishearten them, this policy forces them to change their lifestyle at the threat of death. This strong motivation is worth killing off mere thousands to save hundreds of thousands. When the number of obese children in America decreases so much that there are not enough participants, the Hungry Games will be abolished. But once we again have enough obese children, the games will be reinstated, which is bound to happen as people forget the terror of a battle to the death.