She smiles and laughs as if nothing is wrong because that is what she has to do. She has to keep up the act to keep from crying. All the smiles and laughs just to keep from crying, just to numb the pain of life. The pains of loneliness, lack of love, and the extreme lack of trust in her life. Behind closed doors no one knows that her body is filled with cuts and scars. Behind closed doors she is alone with a knife and no protection from herself.
Right now she has four cuts and many scars. The cuts are for everything that has gone wrong in her life, while the scars are the problems that she has managed to fix. She has scars that are healed yet the cuts are too deep not to feel the pain. One cut stands for the longing of a friend. A friend she can talk and hang out with. She wants someone who is there for her in times of sorrow and grief. She wants a friend that she can call her best friend. She needs a person who knows her better than she knows herself, a person who can help her even when she can’t help herself. The second cut is the love and affection she never felt. The love never felt from friends and family, even when it was said. Love is something that she fights for but never succeeds in getting from anyone. Next she has one for the trust she never gave. She could never trusted anyone completely because they always let her down. She longs for someone she can trust with the secrets of her life and heart. All she wants is someone to trust her enough so she can trust them. Lastly, a cut for the heart she has trapped behind hundred of walls. Her belief stands, that the better you hide your heart the less chance you have of ever being hurt. She hopes for someone brave enough to take the time to break down each and every wall of her heart.
Still she smiles and laughs and no one ever questions her because she always did what she had to, to keep from crying and feeling the pain. All she wanted was love, a friend, trust, and someone to protect her heart. She is behind closed doors crying with a knife because no one is willing to make sure she is truly alright. She sits behind closed doors waiting for someone to care about how she actually feels. The girl behind the closed doors is me.