Plagiarized 3rd Quarter Project
Ouverture Étrang
Welcome to my collection of poetry, nonsense, and writing.
Welcome to the corner of sardonic wit and inept social commentary.
Welcome to the drip drip drip faucet of borderline-insanity-drooling-lobotomy-patient-absurdist-desert-commune-society-organic-hydroponic-vitriolic-no good-fly swatting-at batting-riff raffing mental hogwash leaking from the glacial integrity of the mind.
If you’d just take off those shoes and hang up the coat ‘n stay awhile.

Welcome to the straitjacket, flickering light bulb, white room and unpleasant voice inside your head yelling one inane thing after another;
I am that voice and I am here to frustrate and confuse you with my rambling.

Welcome to Americana traditionalism.
Welcome to baseball, the independent haberdasher, the automobile, the stars, and the stripes.
Welcome to where the umbrella salesmen and saleswomen rejoice as from the darkened sky comes a stale urine-storm of calamitous, maledicted verse and run-on after run-on run-on sentence.
Welcome – to paradise!

Der Philosoph
Said the student learned of Descartes:
“I think therefore I am, am I therefore smart?
I have read Fred Nietzsche, Camus, Jean Sartre;
I drink coffee, smoke cigarettes and study liberal arts.
Am I not enlightened?

He continued his rant from Plato to post-Kant
And found there no use in fighting.

He was slapped with the trout of economic doubt -
Got a real job and quit his philosophizing.

Entr’acte Un

Don’t buy a cat. It’s a bad idea because the concept of a getting cat is paying top dollar for a purebred sentient (and pretentious) being that has retractable claws. While a fellar can stroke a cat, the same goes for about anything – so in essence, the money goes towards the meows. Dogs aren’t great either. Take away a cat’s attitude and what’s left: a featureless, insipid quadruped that does next to nothing. All-in-all it’s a poor (not purr) investment as the money goes towards being patronized and condescended by one’s pet.


Il Rosso Microcosmo Mundo del Sogno:
Or Why the Political Far Left Prevails from Triviality;
A Trick Learned from Aristotle.


The next time toiletries are available – abundant – trim one’s fingernails. If one does not trim his or her fingernails, not only is hygiene compromised, but a domino effect is created. “Why wash the hands if they are unkempt in the first place?” If one’s hands are left to become dirty, from where is any incentive to clean a room, wash clothes, or even bathe? Yet having said that, one day, the squalid living becomes excessive – for the stench of laze and a lack of industry vexes the nostrils and upsets the stomach. An individual showers, shaves, shines shoes, and so on. Except after getting out of the shower, what occurs? One brushes his or her teeth - then flosses. He or she will indeed floss, but I made no mention of trimmed nails. Always will humans forget about the fingernails. Dirt and dust from weeks are wedged thoroughly under them, and what happens when one’s hand slips while flossing those back top teeth? The mouth gets scratched. And then what happens? Well, those fingernails were compellingly dirty; infection happens. The mouth gets infected from the debris under the nails (which were consequently trimmed – for better or worse) and one must visit a doctor for medication. So the doctor is consulted and medication is prescribed – medication from the People’s “Republic” of China. Except not – simpleminded reader, never would I make a leap as drastic as that. Stay keen; stay keen.

The medicine is merely made synthetically in a pharmacy downtown. From inorganic materials these drugs are crafted. Thus those mineral harvesters’ and miners’ naturally occurring metal and vitamin outcrops are left untouched. Demand is shirked and due to economic principles wages are slashed. So the workers bargain collectively and form a union. A radical union is created. And let it be known that this union is created in Minnesota. Minnesota is where many Scandinavian descendants reside. Scandinavia contains Finland. Finland was formerly a part of Russia. Russia was formerly the U.S.S.R.; Russia was formerly “Red.” Russia had Karl Marx. Thus the Miners’ Union becomes a radical Communist Union. And many western states have industrial mining companies. The communism spreads; also, Virginia produces more anthracite coal than any other state. Thus the union’s influence spreads west to east, east to west, and capitalistic democracy is defeated permanently by the communists.


Entr’acte Deux…
I don’t want to hear about dreams other people are having. ‘Cause everybody has dreams. And typically they don’t even make sense. A person can walk up to you and tell you about their dream and just be making stuff up and you’d be none the wiser.
…et Trois
Seems like society is all down with suspenders. Everyone must wear a belt because the elusive secret society of menswear elites is calling the shots. I don’t want my tax dollars going to them. I call the shots as to what holds up my trousers.





A sentence

At this point, I lack the impetus to create the magnificence typical in my regular prose (yet not the narcissus to acknowledge that fact), so I – for the sake of meeting requirements and having fun, for all work and no play makes a dull boy – shall write a single sentence containing as many of the required rhetorical tools as possible. No extended hyphen system, no boundless semicolons – rather, one solid and grounded complete sentence. Without further ado:

I could smell the charisma emanating from the effusive, ebullient performer and better if only I took a shower to rinse off his rancid, acerbic breath; sitting here I realize that Broadway, you burlesque harlot, do little to entertain me because the critics of this play have been contemptuously bitter, I could be at a friend’s party away from these thespian dorks that cannot act, and the performance thus far has not entertained me or conceivably anyone else, including many celebrities given their testimonies – so here I sit, front-and-center before the foul-breathed male lead with the fervor of New York City theatre living my bloodstream and understanding that if I don’t run screaming from this theatre, I will be left here for an eternity.

Entr’acte Quatre
I become irritated at people that walk at any speed. I get angry at anyone slowing me down and at anyone taking me over too fast. The whole system of walking just needs a tweak - driving, too. I was once on a highway – minding my own business, traveling at a reasonable speed – and was passed. The road is not the place for rage, however, so the event was inconsequential. That being said, about three minutes later I had to pass that same set of wheels – it was pulling the reigns and slower than the original speed it saw fit to overcome! The things folks do sometimes are beyond me. I ‘spose I am merely the jaded passerby with no right to complain.
Diatribe #4 in D:
Finis

There are things I don’t understand. Lots of behavioral things just go over my head. One of those things is observational comedy gone amuck, so keep I’ll this ‘ere relatively short. It’s relatively strange when my creative direction is analyzed in this particular piece. I think what I am now doing is having fun with the project. Like an epiphany, I suppose, the sense of purpose within me has been achieved. It’s not about meeting the requirements – or even doing the assignment. The 3rd Quarter Project is designed to entertain. If the goal was to gauge the class’s learning, there would be a big quiz, test. But we’re doing a “creative writing piece.” Thus, I have been green lighted to provide the spark of interest among the countless contrived short stories and silly limericks; I am the surreal and frustratingly syntactically liberal light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps while sifting through the assignments on a laborious evening of repetition, the insights provided into the psychotic madness of my mind created a unique brand of boredom: a fanciful, whimsical misery that yielded at the bare minimum a raised eyebrow of amusement. Hopefully this has been the case – however, the time has now come, and this project must end.