The rosin crushed under my feet as I rolled up onto my pointe shoes. I could hear the audience chattering as they came into their places. I winked at Ryan, and he waved back. He would be my partner for the night. Tonight was my first night partnering Ryan, after what had happened to Jordan. I started to warm-up on the side of the stage. My lilac tutu flounced up and down as I did some petit sautés. I threaded my leg up the wall into needlepoint, to stretch out my splits. The repetoire for tonight was variations from all of the big ballets. I would be performing the lilac fairy, the sugar plum fairy, agon and the rubies pas de deux.

I moved to the center stage to rehearse rubies before curtain. I effortlessly did 32 fouettes before Ryan grabbed my waist for the finishing pose. I whipped my leg into attitude and Ryan dipped me into a fish lift. I remembered when my old partner used to do these steps with me. Last week Jordan had gotten in a car crash and he was still in the hospital recovering. I couldn’t think about that right now, though, it would distract me from my performance.

“Merde, Clara” Ryan whispered in my ear as he lifted me back up and placed my feet gently on the ground. I turned around and whispered back to him.

“Merde.” Despite common beliefs it is actually considered bad luck to say ‘break a leg’ to a dancer. Merde was the terms dancers us for good luck instead. Alison walked by and I wished her luck as well. She was a corps dancer and it was her first time in a lead role. She was performing the black swan. As happy as I was for her, part of me wished that I could dance that part. It was generally my role within the company, and Mike, the director, knows that. In ballet there was always an upcoming star, and despite my seniority as principal dancer in the company, there was always a chance that the young star could snag my contract with the company.

“Five minutes to curtain, repeat, five minutes to curtain.” Mike’s voice boomed over the loud speaker. I ran to the side of the stage where the costume designer, Lily, pinned the purple flower headpiece into my Barbie blonde hair while one of the costume assistants hairsprayed my tutu, and pointe shoe ribbons. Then, I went to stage left to take my place for the beginning of the lilac variation. The prelude started playing, the corps de ballet ran offstage, the lights dimmed and backstage was suddenly silent. The stagehands pulled the ropes and the sparkly red curtain, to revealed hundreds of people, sitting eagerly on the edge of their seats, waiting for the performance to get started. I remembered back to when I was little, the magic that I felt watching the performances of the amazing dancers. Now, It was my job to show others that magic. I did a few more jumps and then waltzed onto the stage. The lights blinded me onstage. After the final pirouette I piqued, and ran offstage. Stagehands were waiting for me with my sugar plum fairy costume and my headpiece. I quickly changed into my next costume as Lilly took my hair out of my bun, and pinned a crown onto my curls. Then the make-up artists attacked me, covering the purple with loads of blue and pink sparkles. I put some red lipstick on just as the final note of Alison’s variation. I was just about to walk onstage as the curtain came down. I hate it when the stagehands mess up.

“Mike! What’s going on? Why is the curtain down? I dance for the audience, not the curtain,” I demanded.

He replied calmly, “Clara, I called intermission early. I need to talk to you,” He turned on his microphone, “All dancers to the stage, please. All dancers to the stage.

It was a highly rare occurrence for the show to be stopped. We danced through injuries and sickness. Whatever it is the show must go on. I could not think of any reason that Mike would nonchalantly stop the performance after just two dances.

Alison rushed over with her hair half out, wearing one black pointe shoe and one white one. She was dancing again later, and obviously she was half-way through getting ready when she rushed to the stage. Her black shoes made a scuffing noise on the tape holding together the black Marley. Ryan walked up behind me and took my hand.

“What’s happening?” he questioned. The whole company was on the stage now. Mike skimmed the room with his baby blue eyes and when he made eye contact with me he stayed there. I knew immediately.

“Jordan,” I stated. I could feel my smile drop and blood rushed through my veins. A shiver ran down my spine and I squeezed Ryan’s hand. He squeezed back. Then Mike started talking again.

“Unfortunately, Jordan was seriously harmed in the car accident. He has just woke up from a coma and I have been informed that he only has a few hours left to live. The doctors have tried everything but there is nothing we can do to help him. We can cancel the performance if nessasary, Clara. Jordan did mention he wanted you to perform though.” I started walking away. I was in a daze. Jordan couldn’t be dying. He was my friend, my partner, my fiancé, and he meant everything to me. It was all my fault. I had been in the car, five minutes before the accident. I had just asked Jordan to find a parking spot, and he hadn’t come back. I walked down the stairs, still flabbergasted from the speech Mike had gave. I was still in a trance when I heard the five minute call for the end of intermission. Apparently, at some point I had told Mike that I was ready to start the show. And he told me that Jordan was no longer with us. I hadn’t really heard anything anyone had said in the last twenty minutes. I was trying so hard to convince myself that it was all a dream, and that Jordan wasn’t dead, but I just couldn’t do it.

“I’m just dreaming. I’m going to go onstage and dance the sugar plum fairy, and Jordan will be my prince. I’m just dreaming,” I thought over and over. But, before I knew it, I was backstage with Ryan, rehearsing the dance. It was all a blur to me until I got onstage. I was in the spotlight, glaring out at the hundreds of people waiting to see me perform. I wasn’t feeling the magic though. It was the first time ever, I completely froze onstage. So, I looked back at where Ryan was standing in the corner of the stage, and prayed that he would do something to cue me.

Where I expected to see Ryan, I did at first, but then his straight, blonde hair turned curly brown. His eyes were brown too. His defined arms, slowly turned into skinny arms, and I knew who the arms belonged to. I blinked, confused, but Jordan was still the person standing backstage. After our solos, Jordan would be the person waiting to partner me. Suddenly, I remembered the solo. I danced the best I ever had. I piqued, waltzed, I smiled at the audience. I was overjoyed that I had Jordan back.

Alicia said, “ Jordan, wait, what? Did you see him?”

“Hold that thought,” I said, “ I need to go onstage for my pas de deux!”

I ran onstage to Jordan, and did a grande jete into his arms. He gracefully put me down, though his bony elbow poked into my ribs. I was in too good of a mood for that to get me down. My smile was ear to ear. I was ecstatic to be dancing with Jordan again. I did the final fouette and this time Jordan caught me and swooped me into fish. We smiled, as we took our reverence together. Jordan signaled for me to walk forward, but I pulled him with me. I wasn’t letting him go. I didn’t know how Jordan had gotten onstage, and I wasn’t letting him leave again that soon.

“I need to keep this memory forever!” I said to Jordan. He didn’t reply, but I assumed he agreed. I pulled out my cell phone and took a picture of Jordan and I. We both looked so, perfect. I pulled Jordan offstage and handed him to Alison.

“I have to get ready for my next dance. Can you fix Jordan’s makeup?” I said. In dance, everyone wear’s make-up, otherwise they look like a ghost, “ He was looking very pale under the stage lights.”

I pulled off my tutu, and put a black belt over the leotard I had been hiding under the bodice during the previous performances. I went onstage to dance Agon. I loved the quirkiness of this dance. It was so modern and contemporary, yet it was still very classical. It was a very technically challenging dance. You had to be in the perfect position to complete all of the turns in the number. I finished Agon, out of breath, but joyous. I ran to Alison backstage.

“Good job!” Alison said. Before I could ask her where Jordan was, Ryan walked up. He handed me an ivory paper, with perfect handwriting that said Clara Amarella. I ripped the royal blue sticker that was holding the paper closed. I unfolded it slowly and read what it said


Dear Clara,
I’m sorry if me coming to see you causes you any kind of damage. I’ve been told that coming back from the dead can cause grief to those who you loved most, but I had to see you one last time. That last dance together, I will remember forever and I hope that you will too. But I don’t want you to miss me forever. I do have the power to come back and visit people, but I feel it would be wrong to keep haunting you when you have your whole life ahead of you. I will miss you. No one else will remember this night, but I felt it would only be fair to leave you the memory. All the best,
Jordan

A tear dripped down my face and then slowly dropped on the paper. I didn’t try to stop crying. It had been the best night of my life and none of it was real. Well, it was real, but no one would believe me, ever. The ivory paper melted to dust in front of me. I took out my phone, and looked at the picture of Jordan and I.

“Are you okay?” Ryan asked, “It’s time for you to dance the sugar plum fairy. You’re wearing the wrong costume.” I picked up my iPhone to show the picture to Ryan. I stared at my phone, and saw that Jordan had disappeared from the picture. I dropped my phone, and heard it crack, but I didn’t care. I threw my arms over Ryan and whispered,

“Merde, I’ll go get ready. Sugar plum fairy, right?”