The Secret
“I would like to get married,” she said to me over a dinner table at a restaurant.
“That’s nice,” I said in a nervous tone. The rain started pouring down in heaves and hitting the building with a loud thud every couple of seconds. She tried to say something, but the rain drowned out her voice. I have to tell her the secret, I thought to myself. There is no way around it, I have to tell her. I started to get agitated and I noticed her staring right at me.

“What’s wrong, she said. Is there something that you want to tell me?”

“I forgot to take my dog outside this morning,” I said out of desperation.
The conversation started to get awkward, which was completely my fault because I nudged her off. I really liked her though. Her sweet blue eyes told a story every time I looked into them. I knew I had to tell her. The steel bars still haunt my mind. The mental problems that I had, the voices in my head, I can still remember them vividly. As much as it kills me to talk about it, she has the right to know. Moments later, the waiter came by to give us our bill and I welcomed reality back.

“I enjoyed the dinner Jim, but you never paid any attention to me,” she said slightly annoyed.

“Let’s do something next week,” I said holding the door half open ready to run to my car.

“Bye”, she said in a nice sweet tone. Then she walked out into the dark lonely night.

I stood staring at the door for a long time hoping it would give some kind of answer to my problems. I’ve never felt this depressed since I spent time in the penitentiary, I thought to myself. When I got home, I threw myself onto the couch not knowing what to do. I laid there unmoving for a couple hours before I dozed off.

The next morning, I woke up in a haze. I didn’t bother to call in for work that day. I just stared blankly outside watching the beautiful sunrise. The sun, a monster in the sky, shot beams of light through the window illuminating the whole house. Instantly, the darkness inside my old rickety wood cabin vanished. Out of the corner of my eye, a band of rabbits were playing together outside. The past that has died inside of me will have to be relived. The horror I felt in those years is difficult to explain. Despite the possibility of the news ruining our relationship, I was going to tell her.

“It won’t destroy our relationship right,” I said toward them. An idea hit me. I will tell her over dinner again, but I will down play the sexual assault part. The next couple of days went very quietly as I thought over my conviction that I put aside because I had not confronted it myself for a long time. However, I decided to call her and set up the date.

The day of the date took a lot out of me. I struggled to get ready as I had to catch up on the work I missed the last few days. “Let’s go, let’s go, I’m going to be late,” I said out loud scrambling out the door with my jacket half on. Not willing to pick her up late, I sped out of the driveway and onto the road. The twenty minute car ride to her house felt like a century went by because I was visualizing the conversation we’d have at dinner tonight. I pulled into the driveway and instantly I felt chills go down my spine.

“How are you doing today Jim,” she said in a nice and sweet tone.

“Uh…fine,” I responded nervously.
“Well, that’s good to hear, she said. Where are we going to eat?”
“Same place as last week,” I responded quickly. She then turned to look at me like something was up.
“They have great food there. I really enjoy it,” I said with more confidence.
We then pulled up to “Water,” a large modern day restaurant characterized by many as a white building, large, with big glass windows sticking out on all sides of it. The foggy night stood out with a bright full moon staring at both of us. The frigid temperature hit my face like a row of sharp needles when I jumped out of the car.
“It sure is cold outside today,” I said to her while rushing to the front door of the restaurant.
“You got that right,” she responded next to me. We walked into the restaurant and encountered the waiter.
“Where would you like to sit,” the waiter asked behind the counter.
“The window spot over there looks good,” I said to the waiter.
“Okay, follow me,” he said. The waiter walked over to the table and handed out the menus.
“Let me know if you have any questions,” he said.
I waited until he vanished out of view before I said, “Meghan I need to tell you something.
She popped her head out from the menu. “What,” she said.
“I need to tell you something,” I said again a little more loudly.
“Well spit it out,” she said with her head stuck in the menu.
Here it goes, I thought. “You know how you asked me about marriage last week.”
“Yes,” she responded still looking over the menu.
“Well, there’s something I think you should know.”
“And…”
“I don’t know how to put this, but I spent a year in jail five years ago.”
“You…What,” she responded like she hadn’t heard me right. Her eyes were looking directly into mine. They started to narrow.
“I…abused a child sexually a long time ago, I said pausing for a while before going on. I had mental issues in the past, they controlled every aspect of my life,” I told her. Her eyes moved away and focused on a wall across the room. She sat there patiently for a couple of minutes. I could feel her tense up.
“I didn’t think it was that important, I said after a while. I’ve changed and you know that. Remember all the activities and fun we’ve had together over the last couple of years. The past is the past and I’ve let go of it.”
A long time went by before anyone said anything. However, it started to snow and the wind blew the white specks all around outside. After minutes of complete silence, she turned her head toward me and started to speak.
“How can I trust you, why would you withhold this form me for so long?”
“I have a hard time talking about it. I didn’t want to bring it up.”
The snow came to a screeching halt. The moon, easily visible from inside the restaurant, seemed lively. Time seemed to stop momentarily.
“Our past together isn’t real any more Jim; you’re a different person to me now.”
Catching on to our conversation, the people at the other tables started to look at us wildly.
“Remember our beautiful vacation to Mexico, with its beautiful beaches, breathtaking views, and sunny days or our time volunteering at the homeless shelter,” I said.
Now I started to laugh reflecting on our time together.
“Remember when we got lost hiking that one year in Arizona on spring break. The rangers had to find us and drag us out.”

However, she seemed to feel unphased by my recollection of our time together.

“It’s too much to take in at one time, she said staring right at me. Trust is essential and I don’t feel like I can trust you. Secrets cannot be withheld from others that you truly care about.”

Her arms folded across her chest, she walked out of the restaurant.