Who’da ever thunk that you could make rich, pure oil out of your own annoying relatives? I sure didn’t! But, it’s true! Great new advances in the world’s oil dependency have been made! Men! Women! Children! Everyone’s getting in on the amazing black gold industry!

Researchers last Tuesday discovered that, after being unintentionally boiled in a large pot of chili, a man that was buried turned into the wonderful gooey stuff! After being six feet under for approximately 2 days in a solid gold plated wooden casket, the man completely decomposed, and when the grieving family came by the next day to drop off flowers and chocolates they found oil spouting like a mini-volcano from under their grandpa’s headstone. As it turns out, the chili helped the old guy decompose and gave the essential stuff needed to make him turn into black gold.

The Stevens family remarks, “We knew exactly what it was when we found it,” (who doesn’t now-a-days?),” so we instantly decided to sell it! It’s what he would’ve wanted anyway. I mean, he was all old and dead and stuff, so what good was he anymore but to sell him and finally make a profit off of the old man” In fact, the family made so much money off their dear grandfather that they’ve decided to try this entire process again. The Stevens comment,” Our grandmother has been in the intensive care unit at the hospital for a while, [that’s why grandpa was getting the chili, it was for her] and after we all made a fortune from ol’ grandpa, we’re sure going to pull the plug now because what good is grandma now when all she’s doing is sitting around in that gurney” The Stevens family is planning on going this weekend to the hospital to give Grandma Mabel the good news!

In fact, after the Stevens family figured out that they could make money off of their relatives; this has been catching on as the latest craze around the nation! Families everywhere are going to nursing homes and taking those leech-like old people out to finally turn a profit on them. Everyone is being sold as black gold!

Another family, the Millers, comments on their experience with the process of turning their great grandma into beautiful black gold, “As soon as we heard about how to do this, we immediately went to Grandma’s house and began the process, but first we tried to fatten her up a bit so we could get the maximum amount of oil out of her, I mean we all want the most oil right?. But, after a while we got bored with trying to feed her, she kept refusing the food! So, we all just threw her in the chili pot anyway and started the process, and now, after only a few days, we’re loads richer!” In fact, one Miller, Sally, plans to perform the whole operation again, all by herself!, “Unfortunately we don’t have any more grandparents left so I have come to a decision to just try and use my mom and dad.” Little Sally Miller says,” we’re going to Boca next week and I think I can pull it off then. I have all of the chili already made and as soon as they both fall asleep, I figure I can get them into the big pot and be done with the whole process in a few days. And think of it, after I do this, I’ll be even richer than my parents ever were!” Oh, isn’t everyone just so proud of little Sally Miller?

Who will ever need electricity or wind power when everybody is being used to make the most amazing stuff in the entire cosmos? No one, that’s who! Electricity is dull, and wind power moves nobody, oil is truly the one and only way to power the world, and what’s better oil than the kind made out of the people you love?

And if you’re one of those people who believes in the “ozone” layer theory, blasphemies! Oil doesn’t deplete the ozone layer! That is just something made up by the pale people of the world complaining about how it’s too hot or how they got to be too sun burnt. And sunscreen is just their way of making you believe in their crazy theories!

Believe in oil, and believe in your relatives to produce the most!

Just remember kids, the only right way to murder your parents is when you make a profit off of them by selling their remains to oil companies! Now go out there and be like the Millers, the Stevens, little Sally Miller, and all the other families who are turning their worthless relatives into gorgeous, amazing, black gold!