I won’t bore you with the details. Suffice it to say, I need some help. Someone around here is trying to dispose of a dead body. How should I – err, he – go about doing that?

Burial is not an option, it’s waaaay too overdone. A wood chipper might be entertaining, but then I’d have to clean up all the bloody bits, and I’m on a schedule. Sharks? There aren’t any sharks around here, or I might consider that.

I thought about leaving it on the lawn like an oversized garden gnome, but I’m worried it would start to smell. Mummification would be interesting, but I don’t know anyone who does that. Do you? No? Drat.

Well, I guess I could mail him to Australia and let someone Down There take care of him, but that seems rather rude of me. I certainly wouldn’t enjoy opening my mailbox to find a rotting corpse. Though I guess it wouldn’t be in my mailbox, just a cardboard box. Unless I had a really big mailbox.

But I digress. Zombification would be cool, but I lack the required chicken, and blood sacrifices just aren’t my thing. Vampification seems like a very cruel and unjust punishment, the way pop culture seems to be going. I’d feel so terrible if that corpse woke up and found itself chased by a dozen crazed teenage girls. I’d feel worse for the girls, though – it would totally suck to go out expecting a romantic evening, only to wind up getting your throat torn out.

I suppose that I could donate it to a used goods store. I mean, the sign does say that they take anything. And who knows, maybe some poor soul out there is in need of a new body? It’s just one owner from new, so it would probably fetch a good price.

A real corpse would also make a great Halloween decoration, I guess, but it’s June now. I don’t think I can keep it preserved for that long.

Can you think of anything you could use it for? It could make a great paperweight, or a bookend, or a scarecrow. You could give it to your daughter for her tea parties, or maybe put on a puppet show with it for the younger kids. I bet it would be a smash as a coatrack.

You’re not being very helpful, mister. I thought you guys were supposed to “protect and serve.” Well, I need some protection from some angry men with guns, and I need it now. And now that I’m in your office, I can see that your service is terrible. The lines got so long that you had to give everybody rooms to sleep in, and even new clothes to wear. I don’t think they’re very happy with you guys, they’re shouting some pretty hurtful things.

I mean, really, if a guy can’t go to the police for help, where can he go?