The Collins Dinner | Teen Ink

The Collins Dinner

July 4, 2009
By Lonnie BRONZE, Livingston, Montana
Lonnie BRONZE, Livingston, Montana
4 articles 0 photos 4 comments

It was a Friday night at the Collins family when all four members were eating dinner and having a peaceful conversation. In the Collins family, there was Ted the dad, Teresa the mom, Malachi the first born son, and Tara the only daughter and baby of the family. The Collins had a rectangular dinner table, so Ted and Teresa sat on both ends as Malachi and Tara sat on the sides.

As they were eating, Ted looked up and said,

“So, how was your day . . . ,” he began before he was cut off by Tara.

“Well daddy,” said Tara excitedly, “I had a terrific day! It all began when . . . .” Suddenly, Ted cut Tara off and said very angrily,

“Hey! I didn’t ask you to start talking Mrs. Motor-mouth! Geez!” Ted suddenly turned to Malachi and said, “how was your day son, since Ms. Interrupt over here has to make the world about her!” Tara looked down in shame as Malachi began talking excitedly.

“Well dad, today I went . . . .” As Malachi talked, Ted lifted up his right leg and put his bare foot on the table. Soon he grabbed a fork and started digging between his toes as Malachi told him everything.

“Uh-huh. Yep. Yeah, sounds great,” said Ted with no interest in his tone at all when he turned to Teresa.

“How was your day dear?” Soon, Ted put his whole big toe in his mouth as he bit at his toenail.

“Well dear, that lovely next door neighbor Sharon had the nerve to call me something rude. So I went over there and punched her flat in the face.” As the mother talked, she smiled and sounded like she was just sweet.

“About time,” said Ted, “she drives me crazy.” Ted turned back to Tara with a mean look.

“And now Ms. Interrupt, how was your day?”

“Well dad . . . .” began Tara when Ted turned to Malachi and said,

“Boy, get beneath the table and rub my feet.” Malachi got excited and said,

“Oh boy!” Malachi disappeared beneath the table, Ted turned back to Tara as she still talked. With Teresa, she was scraping her teeth with a fork, then burped louder than a big, fat, hairy man. As Tara talked, Ted then looked beneath the table and said,

“Malachi, get my big toe out of your mouth!” Ted looked up at Teresa, “honey, what’s for desert?” Teresa looked offended.

“You know what, I don’t bother you with stuff you don’t want to do! Now shut up and leave me alone.”

“I love you too,” said Ted sarcastically. Soon, Tara finished. “Wow that was a horrible story Tara. Next time you talk, why don’t you try talking about something that’ll actually catch my attention.” Tara glared at Ted when Malachi got back in his chair.

“Wow, that was a lot of cotton!” said Malachi.

“Son. Where did you go?” asked Ted angrily.

“I was massaging your feet.” Ted stared at Malachi for a whole minute when he said, “i can speak everything but gibberish son.” Next thing he knew, Ted socked Malachi in the stomach. Malachi stumbled his way to Teresa when she stood up and said with a sweet voice,

“I love you honey,” and with that, she punched him in the stomach. Malachi stumbled to Tara when she tripped him. When Malachi got to his feet, Ted yelled,

“GO TO YOUR ROOM!” Malachi soon found himself running to his room, then Ted and Teresa looked at Tara.

“Young lady, why aren’t you following him?” asked Teresa. Tara looked nervously from parent to parent.

“Um . . . because you told Malachi only?”

“Wrong little lady,” said Ted slowly, like a crazy person.

“Tara, GO TO YOUR ROOM!” With that, Tara ran to her room, and soon Ted and Teresa were looking at each other.

“Our kids are so wonderful,” said Ted as he once again put his bare foot on the table.

“Our family is so perfect,” said Teresa as she stretched her arms, revealing her massive arm hair. Ted and Teresa stood up and walked together to their bedroom, and their untouched buffet of food just sat there on the table getting cold . . . or at least until their weird grandpa who walked hunched over like a wild man came and ate it all.

The author's comments:
This was actually a short story I wrote for my friend to show to his teacher. His teacher had written a story about this goody-goody family who had a nice family conversation, and me of course being the opposite of goody-goody wrote this story as a parody of the teachers. I know it's corny, but it's only a parody!

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